Vintage

This is one of my very first posts entitled Are You There Skinny Me? It's Me, Fat Me.

Hmmm. So I haven't posted on here in a while. I think we all know why, so I'll just cut the crap.

Here's the deal. I WANT TO BE THIN. I feel like that reality is unattainable. That is frustrating, maddening, depressing, and self-destructive. What to do?

All I know to do is something that I have done a million times before (it seems) and that is to diet. And exercise. This is NOT rocket science--I know. The only problem is that I never do these things long enough to get thin. And I wonder--even if I did do it long enough to get thin...what then?

When I am on a health kick, I find myself longing for the day I can eat fast food again. Heck, I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant with Glory partly because I knew I could loosen up my healthy eating habits. Even though what I was doing (WW) was absolutely not difficult and I had lost 30 pounds. What is wrong with me!?!?!?!

Ahhh! Grrrr! Arrrrg.

So, here I go again.

There is a book I read before and the lady (who had lost a bunch of weight by praying and relying on God) said that there is a skinny person inside all of us. Really? Really, cause I am starting to wonder. When is my skinny person gonna show up?

Hello, skinny person inside me? Yeah, you. I'm really ready for you to get your butt out here. You gotta be cramped up in there--you haven't been out in 30 years for crying out loud. Where ARE you? If you could start making your way out here, that would be great. Thanks.

October 2009

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I decided to take one of you sweetie's advice and revisit some of my older posts. This is one I wrote before "the change" but I was SO ready. I have really come a long way. I know that. The skinny person is on her way out. She heard me talking to her back then and she hears me talking to her now. I am so thankful for this experience. SO thankful. I hope that always comes through my whining. No amount of frustration will ever take away my joy :)

Today has been a MUCH better day as I indicated on my REAL FAT Facebook posting earlier. I made good choices all day, even resisted Taco Bueno at one point. I am going to go for a walk later this evening. This is GOOD. This is very good.

You all have been so sweet to encourage me and I KNOW there have been prayers offered on my account because I feel strengthened and renewed.

I do want to say one last thing before I end possibly the longest blog post in blogging history...

I was really upset yesterday. I think that was pretty clear. But the thing that bothers me is not that I have come to a standstill with my weight loss, necessarily. As my good friend and best cheerleader pointed out in an email, it's like I'm resting on a landing of a very big flight of stairs. (She said it better) My body needs to catch up with my weight. And I'm okay with that.

Let's just put it this way--you have NO idea what I have been eating the past couple of weeks. It would scare you. And that's what scared me. Resting in between the flights with a bottle of water and fresh veggies--okay. Resting in between the flights while double-fisting burritos, downing full sugar Dr. Pepper, etc...not so much.

Thanks again, you guys. You are the best. Now--moving on...

Weigh In: .5 lb Gain

182 lbs. (I sat down for a second while I was taking pics last week and when I looked in the mirror I about fell over! I DIDN'T KNOW I STILL LOOKED LIKE THIS SITTING DOWN!)

This photo says it all.

Still a lot of work to do. I am sorry for all the Debbie-downer posts lately. But this would not really be a true account of weight loss if I didn't have to go there sometimes.

Today I was about to enter the grocery store for some medicine when I had a literal knock-down -drag-out fight with my own self in the car. Over food that I wanted but didn't need. It wasn't pretty. There were some tears. There was ALOT of frustration.

Why is this still happening? After 6 months of what I thought was a forever-changed lifestyle, I am finding myself slipping back into old habits and even at times WANTING to go back to them.

The thought of a salad is making me sick. I don't want to cook anything. I just want to eat and eat and eat junk. And junk is bad. I don't care how you look at it--this is BAD. (Isn't it , Kate?! This has to be bad) And I thought maybe it was that TOM, but unless that TOM lasts for a month in some people, can't be it.

This is horrible. This is a serious addiction and if you don't believe me well...just do. I feel like I am under such bondage. I know that's a lie; I guess I'm just sad because it really hit me today that I am always going to have to REALLY struggle with this. And I am mad at myself. You can tell me not to be, but I still will be so don't bother.

I have faith in something bigger than me. I always have. I always believed that someday I would be saved from my weight. I still believe that and I believe that once again and forever and ever He will continue to pull me up and set my feet on a rock. So I'm waiting. I'm being still. I'm crying...and trying not to eat chocolate and quarter pounders.

In lieu of comments, please pray, dear friends.

Destination: Reality

Okay. Seriously. This little relapse of mine is over. I have fallen and I need up! I thought I would just wait for it to pass, meanwhile eating anything and everything that I wanted and even didn't really want but hey, it was there. Unfortunately, this is not going to pass on it's own. I'm actually going to have get my lazy butt up and do something about it.

This morning's breakfast was the kicker. My eyes were much bigger than my stomach, as always. I am visiting someone at a hospital so I went down to the cafeteria and loaded a plate up with biscuits and gravy, sausage AND bacon, hash browns, and a token (very tiny) bowl of fruit and yogurt.

Halfway through the meal I was sick. This food is not good. This food does not make me feel good. Is it a coincidence that I have felt like crap for the past couple of weeks? The past couple of weeks where I have barely exercised and eaten like food was soon going to be a thing of the past? No. It's no coincidence. This kind of behavior is BAD. On so many levels.

Hello...Reality? Yes, hi. I've missed you dearly. Even though I thought your wicked step-sister, "Keelie's jacked-up, fat mindset" would be a more fun place to live for a while--now I remember it's not. I just purchased a one-way ticket home to you, Reality, and I will be there by lunch.

Easy Avocado Salsa

1 can black beans (drained)
1 can chipotle shoe peg corn (drained)
1 can Rotel tomatoes
1 bell pepper (small dice)
1 red onion (small dice)
3 T pickled jalapenos, chopped
garlic salt to taste
2 avocados (small dice)
juice of 1 lemon or lime

Simply mix all ingredients except avocado and lemon. The longer it sits in fridge before serving, the better. Also key is chopping all the veggies in a small uniform size. (No one wants to get a big hunk of red onion).

Just before serving, add the avocado, squeeze lemon juice over top, toss and get out of the way--quick! This stuff is GOOD and won't last long.

Serve with chips, steak, tacos, fish...anything really.

Comfort or Truth

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth--only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair.

The moment these words left the pages of the C.S.Lewis classic Mere Christianity and permeated my mind, I knew they were going to be very meaningful in my life. I wasn't exactly sure how. I wasn't exactly sure what those words meant even. But I knew they were special and I have kept them close.

Today as I struggled with urges that I haven't felt in quite some time (the urge to binge) those words from C.S. Lewis came to me...

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth--only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair.

Right now I am looking for comfort. What are the things that bring me comfort? What are the things that bring you comfort? Food? Food comforts me. When the first twinge of anxiety or fear sets in, food is there. So is TV. So is shopping. But I'm on a spending freeze :) and I couldn't watch TV today, so food it was.

That Mr. Lewis is right. When we are looking for comfort, we will not find it. The Truth is what I long for...so why do I want to settle for only seeking comfort when despair is sure to follow?

I have been afraid of grief and suffering my entire life. I have tried to avoid and dilute pain and even the fear of pain, namely by eating. My simple, human mind wants to be comfortable. But my search for comfort has lead me away from the Truth. The truth is--that to fully experience life and living the way God intends, comfort has to take a back seat.

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth--only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair.

I recently heard someone say something very simple but it hit me in possibly the most profound way anything ever has. She said that she wants to FEEL her whole life.

I am so afraid of feeling anything that is not comfortable to my heart. There is a breadth and depth of emotions that terrifies me. But what the Lord is showing me is that this is where truth is found. This is where my Deliverer saves and reigns and heals and ultimately COMFORTS me.

In the depths. That is where true comfort is found.

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth--only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair.

I want to feel my whole life. (Wow. Did I just think that? Did I mention this is scary?) My prayer is that these lethal layers of intended protection that I have piled on myself through years and years overeating will continue to be stripped away. And even though it really scares the pants off of me, that I will allow myself to just feel stuff.

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6 NIV

If you are still reading, bless you. This was some deep stuff and it probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me:)

P.S. You can listen to the interview that really spoke to me about all the "feeling" stuff here. Move bar to 13:45 on the video to hear the specific portion related to this post. But the whole thing is really good!