Attempting About-face

I began exercising this week. The Lord graciously and unexpectedly provided me with two workout buddies that are committed to being physically fit and committed to encouraging one another and me! It is so awesome because I have been praying for a buddy whose schedule would be compatible with mine...and I got two! We did a couch to 5K workout this morning and made plans for next week. We will also be setting goals together. I am pumped about this!

It has taken a few weeks months just to stop myself from going full steam ahead in the wrong direction, but now it feels like the ship is finally starting to turn. Over the past 12 months I have gained about 30 lbs. Slowly, surely choice by little choice I did that. As I have known for quite some time, the weight gain is merely an outward evidence of an inward problem. Being FAT is not the problem; WHY I am fat is the problem.  But I digress...When I finally realized how far I had gone off course it seemed like quite a daunting undertaking to get back where I was. But then again, so does heart failure, high blood pressure, cancer...among other things that are more likely to happen to me if I'm overweight. So I really began praying about getting turned back in the right direction. I knew that I could not motivate myself out of thin air to get back on track. It has been slow going since then but I feel like I am beginning to get more and more traction each week. I am slowly beginning to make better eating choices, still with an extra splash of creamer here and there, but I'm good with that.

As I was walk/running this morning I had an awesome thinking session. It hit me that nothing of REAL importance is different today than it was one year ago. Yes, I do weigh 30 pounds more and none of my clothes fit but those are not things that, in the long run, matter. Maybe they matter to people. Maybe others notice the way I look on the outside. Probably not so much, but if even if they do what does that mean to me? What can man do to me?  What can the thoughts of man do to me? I refuse to be trapped by a fear of man.

What is significant is that I am forgiven for the backsliding, laziness and gluttonous behavior that has occurred and I am turning the ship around. I am asking for help to turn the ship around. I can still make the same choices I was making a year ago and not have to worry about anything else. I am capable. (2 Peter 1:3) The good choices--that is what was on target one year ago. Not how I looked. And making good choices can happen right now. There is nothing stopping me from making those choices. If I allow myself to indulge in self-pity, self-disgust, wallowing in the fact that shopping (among other things) isn't as fun right now... then I will not be able to focus on doing the next right thing. I will instead be focused on how long it will take to make shopping fun again and then I will just want to quit. Is my goal in life to have fun shopping? Nope.

Moving forward. Slowly, surely.

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe. Proverbs 29:25

It's Complicated

"People make things complicated because they do not want to do them. Stop complicating things and just do them."

Ugh.

I read that somewhere this week (for the life of me can't remember who or where it came from) and it was a gut punch. Yes! Just do things. If I spent one tenth of the time actually doing the things I think about, analyze, debate, research, etc. I might just be king of the world....

But honestly, that's easier said than done. I could just vow that I am going to start, right now, never again analyzing or hashing out or going back and forth on stuff. But I'm not going to make that vow because that would be silly.

What is more reasonable is to think about all of the things that are hanging in the balance in my life right now and pick one of them to just put to rest. Quietly and without analysis. Almost without thinking about it. I can do that with one thing. One thing is a start and it's more than no things. It will be a little less talk and a little more action.

It could be anything: a relationship that needs mending, a directive that needs to be followed, a decision that needs to be made, a job that needs to be done, a mile that needs to be run...

I can make it complicated, or I can just do it.

I think what it's going to be tomorrow is to go check out a gym I've been considering "checking out" for weeks. I have been thinking about going in there for a look around. But I keep going back and forth, pros and cons, wishy-washy. Why don't I just go in there and make a decision?

Because then I will actually have to do something.

A-ha!

I believe this is what they call procrastination. Can anyone else relate?

Home Again

Tonight I attended a new session of First Place 4 Health. FP4H is a Christ-centered wellness program that basically changed my life. In a nut-shell it is a weekly meeting that incorporates Bible study & memorization, wellness education, encouragement & accountability. Putting Christ in the center of your life and allowing God's word to guide everything else leads to balance: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual wellness. It is an awesome program that I have missed dearly for the past year. It feels good to be "home" again.

Last fall my husband and I began serving in a ministry that conflicted, schedule-wise, with my FP4H meeting. I was also afraid that I would not be able to manage the responsibilities of the new ministry as well as my commitment to FP4H. So last Fall I stopped attending FP4H. The strange thing was, I knew that I would not be able to maintain my health without FP4H or something very similar. But I also knew that God was calling me out of it for the moment. It was very disorienting and scary, almost like walking into fire.

Actually, that analogy is a pretty accurate one. The past year has been frustrating, humbling, confusing, painful, upsetting...a challenge to say the least. But, God is good. He has forgiven me much, comforted me, taught me, surprised me, uplifted me. He's just carried me along, in the dark, through the fire and I'm still here. Though it has been difficult, this season has served as somewhat of a breather from the whole weight/food/health "thing" and I think I needed that so I could, well...breathe. And see, with fresh eyes. And hear, with fresh ears. So much has been revealed to me about the desires of my heart, what I really believe, what drives me and where I am going.  Simply put, He is bigger and I am smaller.

Now it seems that God is making a way for me once again to focus on my health and return to FP4H meetings since there is no longer a schedule conflict for me. This is so exciting! I've got a new perspective, new goals, and a new vision of progress. I'm excited to begin again, as always, by His grace. At the same time, I'm a bit overwhelmed and if I'm honest-disappointed in myself because of how much ground I lost in the physical wellness department. I do want to acknowledge those feelings, but I will not dwell on them.

I debated and prayed about blogging and how it fits into the picture of my over-all wellness. While I think there are times I probably enjoy the approval and commendation of people (specifically through the use of social media) more than I should,  I still believe writing is a tool and a gift that the Lord has given to help me in this struggle of life. I better use what He's given me because this is a nasty and relentless fight! Sometimes I resent that fact that this is my struggle. It's embarrassing to always have to come back to this place.

But this is where He meets me.

So why waste my time or energy in shame? He is waiting, He is here. So on we go.

I think it will be interesting to see how the past year will influence my efforts toward wellness going forward. I feel that I have changed a lot though I'm not exactly sure how. Ready to get the clutter in my head on paper...or on the screen, as it were.

To my weight-loss blogging friends: hopefully we can just pick up where we left off. I'd love it if you would  leave a link to your blog so I can visit and update my blog roll. Thanks!

Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Psalm 40:4

Life in Brief

Hi, there. Brief life update:

I'm trying to let my fingernails grow out.
I work at a coffee shop now.
I had my first cavity.
I am a student again.
I am steadily "outgrowing" all of my clothes. :-/
We are preparing for year #1 of home-schooling our kids.
We are planning to build a house sometime in the next 12 months.
I really miss blogging and reading friend's blogs. I hope to figure out a way to get back to it so I can write about all this stuff going on!

They Can't Hear You

Can't talk a plant into growing and producing fruit...have to give it TLC. 

Feed it grace.

Lord, show me how to love today. You do it.