Tiring

So I spent the day licking my wounds from the weekend. Poor, pitiful me. Don't get me wrong--the weekend was great! We had a super time camping and riding a real train, spending time with the family. It truly was a wonderful time for making memories and getting away.

I just hate that for me, every single thing has to revolve around food.

Every moment is a battle in my head...

Am I going to eat that granola bar? Well, no I think that might be one too many grains and then I'll want more sweets...well, but if you don't eat it now then you might want candy later. Okay yeah, let's just have this apple. Oh wait the kids are having goldfish. Oh my gosh those have never looked so good to me in my life! Apple, apple, apple. Must. Eat. Apple. Okay, good. Disaster averted. Now what about dinner? What if I get too hungry before it's done? What if it doesn't fill me up. What am I going to eat on the way home tomorrow? What if we have to eat out?It's okay. You can do it. just come up with a plan. Stick to it. Like you tell everyone else. Ahhhhhhhhhh!

And I try so hard! I really do. But then one little mistake and it's like all that work is totally negated. The mental toll this takes on me and I'm sure countless others, is just too much sometimes. I'm not kidding. It's like you need a break sometimes. I read Kimberlynn's writing about this once (she said: I truly love this journey and all the amazing changes that have taken place over the past year, but at times it can also be exhausting. It's tiring always being on top of everything...thinking ahead and working through every problem that comes my way. read more) and it was the first time it ever really hit me. You just have to be so "on" mentally, emotionally, and physically all the time to fight what we are fighting. And I never thought about it like that.

After all this time you would think I could do a better job of dealing with this stuff, but one thing that is made more evident to me with each passing day is that is that it doesn't get any easier. The mess-ups happen less and the rebounding comes quicker but it's not any easier. None of it is.

What am I talking about exactly? Going off a plan. Walking into the trap. And then the aftermath. I can't explain it, either you understand what I'm talking about or you don't. If you do understand then you're shaking your head going "Yeah, it's frustrating as heck!" and if you don't, you're shaking your head the other way going "This is ridiculous."

Does ANYONE know what I am talking about?
Is ANYONE wallowing with me right now?

Well, at any rate, it is what it is. Sorry, I don't mean to be all Debbie Downer here if you're reading for the first time and just getting started trying to lose weight. Maybe you want to hear that it does finally get easier and everything just falls into place and you just have the mind of a skinny person all of a sudden. Well, sorry. I love you too much to tell you that. This is not easy. Ever.

But there is hope.
As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. Psalm 70:14

And that's how and why I keep going.

These are some photos (that I took photos of--sorry for the poor quality) from a few years ago when we went on the same camping trip we went on this weekend.

When I get frustrated...

When I'm fighting back the tears...

When I just want to throw in the towel and hide under a big pile of Chick-fil-a nuggets...

I remember what the Lord has done. He has carried me from there to here and he's still carrying me. When I'm tired, he's there. When I"m crying, he's there. When I'm falling a part, he's there...picking up the pieces and putting them back together better than they were before. Stronger. More interesting. More beautiful. He's there and he's carrying me.

Where are we going? I'm really not sure. I know where I think we're going and where I want to be going and that's pretty great. But that's only what my silly, ridiculous mind can come up with. (You know the one that wants me to OD on fried yard bird because I ate a few too many handfuls of goldfish) I am certain the destination is far better than anything that mind can dream of.  

So hope. Everything rides on hope.

Down But Not Out

What is up with all the "down" attitudes around the blogosphere this week? I thought it was just me, but I have read blog after blog of peeps who are super frustrated and having a hard time. I haven't posted about it much, but I have felt myself slipping a time or two in the past few days. I am starting to lose the fire I began with. Why is this happening to us? WHY?!!

I had time to think while I was perusing aisles at the supermarket tonight and it hit me. Biggest Loser fans--you will get this. We are at the point in the show where one of the super heavy-weights is holding onto the rails of the treadmill. Pretty soon Bob comes up to tell them to get their blankety-blank hands off the blankety-blank treadmill. Then the person says they can't. They start to cry. Bob laughs in their face and hurls a few more obscenities their way...

But underneath it all--the spitting, the cursing, the rage--what Bob is really trying to say is: DON'T YOU DARE GIVE UP.

This is when they... I... YOU have always given up before. Am I right? This is when it isn't new anymore. Going to workout doesn't have quite the same appeal it did. It is getting harder. The pounds aren't melting off and it's just not as rewarding as it used to be. This is the crossroads we all come to and we have to make a choice.

This time I say we make a different choice. We have to. Do whatever you need to do. Cry, scream, eat a gallon of ice cream (okay, maybe don't do that) but whatever you do, when you are done doing it--choose to press on. There is a prize to be had and I, for one, have never gone far enough to reach it. This time I am. I SO am.

Are you?

Put Your Arm Down--The War's Over!

When I was in Jr. high, there were these quirky sisters named Bonita and Groberta (names altered to protect the innocent). They were twins and they were CHARACTERS. As we traveled on a field trip one day, in the big yellow school bus, Groberta yelled out a phrase that has forever been etched in the silly part of my brain. She saw her sister with her arm raised high in the air to indicate she was "present." Without pause, Groberta exclaimed, "Bonita! Put your arm down! The war's over!" Oh my.

Well, ever since I had my last baby my perspiration has been oddly excessive and unusually fragrant, if you catch my drift. (And believe me, if you are anywhere near me while working out, you WILL catch it.) I feel like everyone at the gym is looking at me as if to say, "Hey lady, put that thing down--the war's over!" I know, I know! I surrender! I am prepared to purchase the best deodorant money can buy.

Any suggestions?

Is this postpartum-and-beyond sweat condition a phenomenon I am not aware of?

Sausage Ball Stand-Off

Last night the kids and I stayed over at my parents' house as we sometimes do when Justin is on shift. Around 7 pm my 4 year-old declared that he would like some sausage balls. My saintly mother promptly obliged. She sat down and for about 20 minutes used her hands to mix the most irresistible sausage balls this side of heaven. Seriously unbelievable.

Side note: I think they'll have sausage balls in heaven, don't you?

Now, I have been given a spirit of self-control, but COME. ON. I had to smell all 5 batches being baked. I refrained. I then had to wake up at 3 am with a coughing hacking baby and sit in the same room with them on an empty stomach. I refrained. I then had to watch everyone else eat them for breakfast while I ate my Raisin Bran and banana.

In the past, I would have already put away a whole bag of those puppies but it really wasn't that difficult to pass them up this go round. I know what they taste like. I've had plenty in my lifetime. I know how to make them. I know where to have them made for me. If I just HAVE to have a sausage ball at some point in my life--I can. But for now, I'm good.

Sausage Ball, you CAN'T defeat me!

A Unique Addiction

Food is the only addiction in the world (I can think of) that can't be given up completely, forever. It's a cruel reality. You have to eat. You have to eat to live. To sustain life, you must daily and frequently consume the very thing that is consuming you.

Alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling...these are all extremely hard-to-kick habits. I am not trying to make light of recovery from these addictions, but when a person decides they are going to quit one of them they can do just that--quit. You can't quit food or you'll die.

Sometimes I think it would be nice just to have my mouth wired shut for a month or so. I'm not sure how healthy that would be (or if you can even do that and survive) but man, it seems like it would be so much easier that way.

There's no point to this post really....just me whining. Ever thought about this though?

Are You There Skinny Me? It's Me, Fat Me

Hmmm. So I haven't posted on here in a while. I think we all know why, so I'll just cut the crap.

Here's the deal. I WANT TO BE THIN. I feel like that reality is unattainable. That is frustrating, maddening, depressing, and self-destructive. What to do?

All I know to do is something that I have done a million times before (it seems) and that is to diet. And exercise. This is NOT rocket science--I know. The only problem is that I never do these things long enough to get thin. And I wonder--even if I did do it long enough to get thin...what then? When I am on a health kick, I find myself longing for the day I can eat fast food again. Heck, I was so happy when I found out I was pregnant with Glory partly because I knew I could loosen up my healthy eating habits. Even though what I was doing (WW) was absolutely not difficult and I had lost 30 pounds. What is wrong with me!?!?!?!

Ahhh! Grrrr! Arrrrg.

So, here I go again.

There is a book I read before and the lady (who had lost a bunch of weight by praying and relying on God) said that there is a skinny person inside all of us. Really? Really, cause I am starting to wonder. When is my skinny person gonna show up?

Hello, skinny person inside me? Yeah, you. I'm really ready for you to get your butt out here. You gotta be cramped up in there--you haven't been out in 30 years for crying out loud. Where ARE you? If you could start making your way out here, that would be great. Thanks.