Pop Quiz

I decided it was time to have a little quiz. The results of this quiz will tell me what type of image I am portraying on this blog. It will tell me if I am being REAL enough with you. It will tell me if you really know me. At all.

Let me set this up. Yesterday I was taking my BFF for a mani/pedi for her Christmas present (don't ask) and afterward I had some pretty tough choices to make. We ended up at a favorite place of ours--Chili's.

We've shared a good many conversations, laughs, and calories while sitting in a booth at Chili's. The familiar Spanish tile on the tables, the unique decor, the overwhelming smell of grease...It's almost like a home away from home.

It was a bittersweet homecoming for me. You see, I haven't been to Chili's since I made The Change.

Side note: I'm calling it that now--THE CHANGE.

It's not that I don't trust myself, but really, why even go there? Why push it? Unfortunately yesterday I had a gift card and a rebellious spirit. I was feeling rebellious against The Change.

Back up a few days...

I had been at my mom's and there with me sat a big Tupperware container of fudge. I totally had a moment of weakness and ate some. And when I say some I mean a lot. And when I say a lot I mean WAY too much.

That was the day I wrote about The Burn. When I told my mom that her fudge had been my inspiration for the writing of that post she couldn't believe it. She had assumed I pushed through the burn of the fudge. Well, you know what they say about assuming...

Wouldn't that have been nice though. To have actually listened to what the Holy Spirit was speaking to me and apply it? Yeah.

So then a day later I was back at mom's. (Note to self: consider not going to mom's).This time the fudge was gone but I had the munchies. I had already been to Chic fil-a and resisted my usual 12 nuggets and fries and the occasional chick-fil-a sandwich to boot. I opted for the char grilled sandwich but ate a few fries. The whole fry decision was playing with my mind. It made me go bonkers in my mom's pantry.

You want to hear the sad part? I abused my body with healthy stuff. I overloaded on smoked almonds, dried apricots, 1% cheese (yuk), deli ham and some other stuff. Uggh! I could go on but you can tell this was not a good day.

So I was still trying to recover from this binge, all the while feeling like a complete idiot because I know I am going to have to come on the blog and fess up after I just wrote all about resisting temptation...IDIOT!

Now I bring you back to the booth at Chili's yesterday...and the Quiz begins!

#1. Did I order a margarita (because after all, it was Margarita Madness) or did I have tea with Equal sweetener?

#2. Did I order chips and queso (and a side of avocado ranch) or forgo the appetizer?

#3. Did I order:

A. Guiltless Salmon with steamed veggies, rice and no butter

or

B. Chicken Crispers

#4. Did I order THIS for dessert?

I will say that I literally experienced anguish while trying to make the decisions you are being quizzed on. I can also tell you I won't be going back to Chili's anytime soon.

Now, how well do you know me? Everyone better answer--but think carefully before doing so. Feel free to explain the reasons for your answers.

The Burn

They say that during exercise, when it burns is when your body is changing the most. I try to think of that in the midst of my pain and wind sucking and many times I am able to push even harder. Yea me!

But let me tell you about the "burn" that is even harder for me to push through. The burn of temptation.

It's the burn of wanting a piece of fudge so bad I could bite my thumb off. It's the burn of seeing a Taco Bueno and literally feeling the force of gravity pulling my car into the drive thru. It's the burn of wanting to eat the 3 nuggets my kid left on his plate. It's the burn of wanting to eat a piece of enriched flour, chewy white bread (you know the kind that sticks to the roof of your mouth) with a monstrous slather of peanut butter at 11:30 at night.

You want to talk about burn? THAT'S what I call burn.

But it just dawned on me that I could apply the same principle regarding "exercise burn" to "temptation burn." Pushing through the burn of temptation and allowing the the moment to pass by...that is when my MIND changes the most.

When I am able to step outside of myself and see the burn for what it really is--an opportunity for personal growth--then I can push through. By doing this I prove to myself that even though it hurts like heck, I CAN do it.

Each time I do it, it makes the next temptation burn a little less. And a little less. And I suspect that pretty soon I may not even notice the burn.

Just as a trainer encourages the athlete to push through the burn, so shall He encourage me:

1 Corinthians 10:13 (New International Version)
No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.

1 Corinthians 10:13 (The Message)
No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.

I have yet to resist a food temptation and regret it. TRUST that you will be okay. Next time you are feeling the temptation burn, remember that your mind is being transformed and that is awesome.

Peanut Butter Binge

I just had a very low moment. It involved peanut butter. Lots of peanut butter.

I was making the kiddo a pb&j and it was too much. Just too much for me to handle. I had 3 (yes 3!) peanut butter and honey half sandwiches.

What the heck?

I even tried to stop myself and figure out what was making me want to eat (since I just had 2 very much planned tortilla pizzas) but I couldn't get my mind to focus. I couldn't get my hands to stop slathering that peanut butter on slice after slice of carb-loaded bread!

So the damage is done. I figure it's about 500 or 600 calories that I wasn't counting on for today. Bob, please work your fat-burning magic! I will be doing Level 1 AND 2 of Biggest Loser Cardio Max tonight. Do you think that will do the trick?

Do you believe me when I say that I literally COULD NOT stop eating the peanut butter? It's kinda scary, folks.

Momentum

I always start a diet (Yes, a diet. Let's just call it what it is! Until I reach a goal weight, I am on a diet. I would like for it to be a lifestyle change and hopefully it will be. But for right now, its just a diet. I feel like "diet " is a dirty word these days. Well, not in my book. Diet, diet, diet) Okay, sorry. As I was saying...

I always start a diet with gusto, but look up 6 months down the road to find the momentum has taken a turn in the wrong direction. I have gained several...tens of pounds and am left thinking that if I had only kept the momentum going in the right direction I would be down that many pounds. It is frustrating.

Such a slippery slope, falling off the wagon. You have been doing amazingly well for a month or so. You pass up candy at the office, drive past the Taco Bell that is calling your name, order the grilled chicken instead of the chicken fried steak at your favorite restaurant. You're doing SO good!

But then it slowly begins to happen. About 9 o'clock one evening you are craving something sweet. Chocolate, I imagine. You try to distract yourself from the cookie dough sitting in the refrigerator. You go to sleep. 10:30 you sit up in bed. You think to yourself, If it's in the middle of the night and I eat it, there's no line to write the points down. It must not count. (Yes, this is the distorted and seriously SICK logic a food addict might use. We're crazy.) You get up and eat some dough. And then some more dough. Before you know it, you are throwing the package away and feeling really bad about the decision you just made.

You wake up the next day and start out in good spirits. You have every intention of getting "right back on track." But as you are heading to work you realize you have a few extra minutes. McDonald's is on the way. Hmm, you already messed up the night before. It's going to be a bad week anyway. Might as well drive through for breakfast.

Lunch rolls around. The stuff you packed doesn't sound good. Your buds are going to drive through somewhere. Heck, its Friday!

And then--the weekend. Well, let's just say it ain't pretty. You get discouraged. You spend a few weeks following this pattern and before you know it the hard work that you had put in during the early weeks, it's all down the tubes. You failed. Miserably.

But.

But, what if momentum were to go the other way? What if the good choices began to build on one another and the more that were made, the easier it became to make them. Eventually perhaps McDonald's didn't even catch your eye. Maybe you would actually rather have the grilled food instead of the fried. And maybe, you could teach yourself to stay on track even after you mess up.

Momentum.

I want to be so far in, that there's no turning back. Wonder what that will be like? Feel like? Look like?

I'm about to find out.

Ugly/Beautiful Truth

So--Melissa from the Biggest Loser. We all pretty much can't stand her. She's a liar, according to Bob and Jillian. She's a tad obnoxious. She cries an awful lot.

But.

But last night I had a revelation. I AM Melissa. We all are a little bit. Haven't we all lied when it comes to our bodies and this weight loss thing? At some point haven't we allowed the truth to bend? I say yes, we have.

I have had a perfect week on paper and acted surprised when the scale didn't reflect it, even though I knew the paper wasn't reality. I lied.

I have looked at my face and only my face in the mirror for so long, that I began to forget the rest of me existed. As long as the face is presentable, I'm okay. Right? No. I lied.

I have avoided social situations that are uncomfortable many times because I am self conscious. I would say that I didn't feel like it or that wasn't really my cup of tea. I lied.

I have gone to the gym and given about 10% of the effort I could to the workout and about 90% to the TV there...only to return home without ever being able to regain those minutes I took from my kids, my husband, myself. I lied.

I have driven through a fast food restaurant on my way home from work and then proceeded to sit down to a full course dinner with my family. And get seconds. I lied.

I have tried to convince myself that it's what's on the inside that counts, even though I never thought twice about what I put INSIDE mouth. I have chosen to believe that I could simply disregard exercise and the conditioning of my body because "I am not that vain."

I chose to believe a lie. Though subtle, these are LIES.

When Bob looked at Melissa last night and told her that she had gained his respect back, I felt like he could have been talking to me. Because I'm not lying to myself anymore. Huge. I have come face to face with the ugly truth of what I am, but in doing so I am now also face to face with the beautiful truth of what I can become.

So I submit to myself, Melissa, and fat girls everywhere--

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32

A Unique Addiction

Food is the only addiction in the world (I can think of) that can't be given up completely, forever. It's a cruel reality. You have to eat. You have to eat to live. To sustain life, you must daily and frequently consume the very thing that is consuming you.

Alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling...these are all extremely hard-to-kick habits. I am not trying to make light of recovery from these addictions, but when a person decides they are going to quit one of them they can do just that--quit. You can't quit food or you'll die.

Sometimes I think it would be nice just to have my mouth wired shut for a month or so. I'm not sure how healthy that would be (or if you can even do that and survive) but man, it seems like it would be so much easier that way.

There's no point to this post really....just me whining. Ever thought about this though?