Reevaluating Goal Weight

Last week in my First Place Bible Study book we were asked to look back at the goals we set during one of the early weeks. We were at a halfway point and it was time to reevaluate.(These are goals to be reached in a 12 week period) There were 4 labels from which to pick for each goal:

1. Right on track, I'm going to make it!
2. Can do it, but I'll have to work harder.
3. Met my goal and I need a new one!
4. Adjust my goal to something more doable for me right now.

Well, I did that with all of my short term goals and it was very helpful. I highly recommend doing it. But then I turned to my long term goal. THE goal. I couldn't exactly use the 1-4 from above because I had not put a time limit on my goal but it was just good to really think about how my goal originated, the purpose of it and how it fits into the picture now.

In case you didn't know, my goal is to lose 100 pounds. I weighed 229lbs. when I began. The healthy weight range is from 115-145 ish. Losing 100 pounds would put me right in the middle of that range at 129. Which would be fabulous. But when I really thought hard about how I set that goal I remembered that it wasn't the first goal I wrote down.

The first goal I wrote down was 140. I chose 140 because it was several pounds under the top of the range--enough wiggle room to stay healthy even after a rough weekend ;) . I knew that when I had weighed 140 before I looked and felt great. I wore about a size 6 which seems like a dream now. It was the perfect goal weight.

Why did I change it? Well. This little blog is more than just a journal for me. It is an artistic outlet. Whether people realize it or not, much thought goes into each and every little item that I put on here. I like everything to work together, to be appealing, and to be nifty. So when I typed that I wanted to lose 89 lbs, something seemed off. I wrestled with it for a few days. Eighty-nine pounds? That just didn't fit. But 100 pounds! Yes, that fit. That sounded nifty. It also sounded awesome that one day I would be able to say I lost 100 lbs. So, I changed it to 100 lbs.

Now here I am, 64.6 pounds down and I'm starting to think eighty-nine lbs sounds a little more nifty than it used to! I think I had solid reasons for choosing that goal in the beginning and so I've been thinking about changing my goal back to 140 lbs. Actually, it's pretty much a done deal. Yes, I admit I am changing it because I am ready to reach THE goal. That's not to say I can't reevaluate again when I get to 140...heck, maybe I'll decide to go for 115! Who knows?

But as of today I am 24.4 lbs away from my GOAL WEIGHT. Doesn't that have a nice ring to it? I recently set a kind of short term/long term goal of losing one pound every week. If I stay on top of this (lofty, in my opinion) goal I will reach my goal weight before the end of 2011. I will be at my goal weight when I take my trip to NYC (which we booked today, by the way!) I will have lost 89 pounds.
Eighty nine might not be as "ideal" as the one hundred, but in the end what I've concluded is that 100 pounds is so NOT the goal that fits with this blog and who I am. I mean, if at some point I have lost exactly 100 pounds that will be fine, but I am not going to go for the "perfect" number just because it has a nice ring to it and sounds more impressive. Could anything be more superficial?

Yippee for goal reevaluation! Try it.

Tiring

So I spent the day licking my wounds from the weekend. Poor, pitiful me. Don't get me wrong--the weekend was great! We had a super time camping and riding a real train, spending time with the family. It truly was a wonderful time for making memories and getting away.

I just hate that for me, every single thing has to revolve around food.

Every moment is a battle in my head...

Am I going to eat that granola bar? Well, no I think that might be one too many grains and then I'll want more sweets...well, but if you don't eat it now then you might want candy later. Okay yeah, let's just have this apple. Oh wait the kids are having goldfish. Oh my gosh those have never looked so good to me in my life! Apple, apple, apple. Must. Eat. Apple. Okay, good. Disaster averted. Now what about dinner? What if I get too hungry before it's done? What if it doesn't fill me up. What am I going to eat on the way home tomorrow? What if we have to eat out?It's okay. You can do it. just come up with a plan. Stick to it. Like you tell everyone else. Ahhhhhhhhhh!

And I try so hard! I really do. But then one little mistake and it's like all that work is totally negated. The mental toll this takes on me and I'm sure countless others, is just too much sometimes. I'm not kidding. It's like you need a break sometimes. I read Kimberlynn's writing about this once (she said: I truly love this journey and all the amazing changes that have taken place over the past year, but at times it can also be exhausting. It's tiring always being on top of everything...thinking ahead and working through every problem that comes my way. read more) and it was the first time it ever really hit me. You just have to be so "on" mentally, emotionally, and physically all the time to fight what we are fighting. And I never thought about it like that.

After all this time you would think I could do a better job of dealing with this stuff, but one thing that is made more evident to me with each passing day is that is that it doesn't get any easier. The mess-ups happen less and the rebounding comes quicker but it's not any easier. None of it is.

What am I talking about exactly? Going off a plan. Walking into the trap. And then the aftermath. I can't explain it, either you understand what I'm talking about or you don't. If you do understand then you're shaking your head going "Yeah, it's frustrating as heck!" and if you don't, you're shaking your head the other way going "This is ridiculous."

Does ANYONE know what I am talking about?
Is ANYONE wallowing with me right now?

Well, at any rate, it is what it is. Sorry, I don't mean to be all Debbie Downer here if you're reading for the first time and just getting started trying to lose weight. Maybe you want to hear that it does finally get easier and everything just falls into place and you just have the mind of a skinny person all of a sudden. Well, sorry. I love you too much to tell you that. This is not easy. Ever.

But there is hope.
As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. Psalm 70:14

And that's how and why I keep going.

These are some photos (that I took photos of--sorry for the poor quality) from a few years ago when we went on the same camping trip we went on this weekend.

When I get frustrated...

When I'm fighting back the tears...

When I just want to throw in the towel and hide under a big pile of Chick-fil-a nuggets...

I remember what the Lord has done. He has carried me from there to here and he's still carrying me. When I'm tired, he's there. When I"m crying, he's there. When I'm falling a part, he's there...picking up the pieces and putting them back together better than they were before. Stronger. More interesting. More beautiful. He's there and he's carrying me.

Where are we going? I'm really not sure. I know where I think we're going and where I want to be going and that's pretty great. But that's only what my silly, ridiculous mind can come up with. (You know the one that wants me to OD on fried yard bird because I ate a few too many handfuls of goldfish) I am certain the destination is far better than anything that mind can dream of.  

So hope. Everything rides on hope.

Stop the Insanity!

re·lapse

• (of someone suffering from a disease) Suffer deterioration after a period of improvement
• A deterioration in someone's state of health after a temporary improvement
  Return to (a less active or a worse state)
• go back to bad behavior
• backsliding: a failure to maintain a higher state

I think we would be hard pressed to find someone who has attempted to lose weight and not, at some point, experienced relapse. It is a HUGE deal and it must be addressed. Because if we can beat relapse, we can win at losing!

There are clear-cut steps that can be taken to prevent a relapse. Here they are:

1. Recognize
2. Accept
3. Avoid

Learn to Recognize Our Vulnerability
This is the "work" part of it. We have to be on the constant lookout for traps and temptations. At first this will be tough because it might take a relapse actually happening in order to recognize it. But when it does, write it down. The most effective way I have found to identify the root of temptation is to find patterns. Is the stumble always happening at the same place? With the same people? At the same time? Under the same circumstances? It's probably not about the food at all, but rather a situational trigger.

One pattern that I recognized early on is that every time I go to my parents' house (where I grew up) I am tempted. It is a conditioned response for me--every time I walk in the door I go straight to the pantry and then to the fridge. Rinse and repeat until I leave...And when I finally leave I am a mess because of everything I ate.

Accept Our Vulnerability
Was it easy to accept that going to my childhood home was going to be a problem for me? No. Was is easy to accept that restaurants cause me major problems? No. Was it easy to accept that one of my all time favorite things to do, Christmastime baking, leads me down a very dark path? No. Was it easy to accept that watching TV breeds inactivity and hinders my ability to care for the people I love? No. This is the hardest part. I love going to my parents' house and I thoroughly enjoy eating out. Baking brings joy to my soul and watching TV is relaxing. I could easily say that these things are part of "who I am" and I'm not willing to give them up or compromise where they are concerned. Indeed, I did just that for many years. But look where that got me. It wasn't until I chose to ACCEPT my vulnerabilities that I could deal with them.

Avoid Our Vulnerability
This is the part that is hard to swallow. This may mean completely avoiding certain acquaintances, places, and events because of the overwhelming temptation that accompanies them. Being alone at my parents' house is one thing I never do anymore. There was a period of time that I never went to a restaurant. Family's going? Not me. (I have developed some more self-control in this area now, so I do eat out more, but I still struggle) Eliminating something that has been a huge part of our life is difficult.

However, it doesn't always have to be an elimination. Perhaps rehearsing the way you'd like to see things play out would help. Or choosing a place to eat that has a healthy option you like. Maybe you could find a new route home that doesn't go past the Taco Bell. It takes some thought, some time and some determination, but we can save ourselves from falling back into the pit. We have to take responsibility and ownership of this process and make it work for us!

This little saying has meant so much to me: "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got!" In other words, you can't keep living life the exact same way and expect to see different results. This is INSANITY!

Stop it.

Some ideas expressed in this post are adapted from the First Place 4 Health book, Simple Ideas for Healthy Living, article entitled "Relapse Prevention."

Weigh In: Maintenance

Well, I could have predicted this. Don't get me wrong--I am perfectly happy with maintaining the lowest weight I can remember in about 7 years. I am just a little upset with myself because I can't tell you that I don't know how this happened. Or that TOM had come to visit. Or that I have been stressed. Or that I haven't been able to work out.

None of those apply. What I will tell you is that I made a choice this week. I chose to not lose weight. When I began to consume things that I had not planned on and had no intentions of recording, that's when I decided I would not lose weight this week. Even though I didn't say it outloud deep down I knew that's what I was doing.

So, I begin this new week with a great outlook. I am prepared to make the choices that have gotten me to where I am thus far in the journey!

Oh, I almost forgot. Here are the answers from the Pop Quiz:

1.tea
2. no
3. salmon
4. no

There was only one person who {absolutely, positively} got it right! ;)

I Feel Pretty

Today I got a new accessory. {I embrace my dorkiness}



Everyone has these and I thought I should have one also.



I'm just not sure what to do with it...

Ahh. There we go.

I am learning to love accessories. For so long I just felt like it was pointless to wear them. I thought I always looked bad so I just put my hair in a pony tail, slapped on a little make up (sometimes) and that was it.

I felt bad about myself. I felt UGLY. Plain and simple. It makes me so sad to think about that.

The remarkable thing is that after just a few weeks, days actually, of nurturing my body with appropriate food and activity, that outlook began to change. I began to feel LESS ugly. I began to care a little more about the make up. I began to take more time on my hair. I would sometimes consider earrings or even a necklace.

I began to actually look in the mirror. I began to do it more often and for longer periods of time. One day when I looked--the reflection looking back at me didn't seem ugly anymore. It seemed a little bit pretty. This mini transformation happened without me losing hardly any weight at all. More proof that this is SUCH a mental game.

I know that life is not all about how we look--believe me! Some day I'll get on my soap box...but as a woman, I need to feel pretty. It helps with confidence and social interaction and treating your husband right ;) and all that good stuff...

So, I'm curious...what helps you feel pretty? Besides chartreuse scarves of course.

Wearing Stripes

Today I was changing shirts and my 4 year old darling happened to walk in and catch a glimpse of my bare stomach.

He giggled and said "Oh, look mommy!" pointing at my gut. "You're wearing stripes!"

"Yeah. Cool, huh?" Geesh.

Gotta love him, but stripes? Seriously. Ouch.

Of course he was referring to my stretch marks. Yes, I do have quite a few to speak of. Some of them are relatively new while others are practically native. Honestly, I don't really have a huge problem with them. I mean, I'm not losing sleep over the nasty "stripes."

But I am curious if there is some miracle cream or oil I should be aware of. Let me know.

The One Where I Put On My Swimsuit

That's all folks.

Workout Update

I am super excited about what exercise is doing for my body. It really is quite helpful. Imagine that...those health nuts were right all along.

I began going to my gym about 2 months ago. I was experiencing some major anxiety/depression. For some strange reason I felt drawn to workout. The only way I could make myself feel better was to do something physical.

Although I did begin a medication for the anxiety (which has helped tremendously) I have to believe that the regular exercise is doing its part as well. There is a bunch of scientific stuff to prove that, but I'll leave it to you to go searching for it.

The important thing is that I feel great! And even though I am still in Twoville, my body is changing and you can see that in these pics:

about a month ago

tonight

By the way, I never wear my shirt tied in a knot like that, just for this blog.

In crunching news: After much deliberation and with the help of all your thoughtful input, I decided to go ahead with crunches but not spend too much time on my abs. I took the advice of someone to really focus on all core muscle groups. However, I am spending the majority of my activity time on cardio at the moment.

Today I ran 1.5 miles (ahead of my schedule) at a 4.7 pace. I think by next week I will be up to 2 miles and that is going to put me at my goal 6 weeks early! I will have to come up with another goal.

It feels so weird to type that. I am not a "goal-setter." Especially when it comes to exercise. We are talking about a girl whose idea of upping her activity level was to scrub a little harder in the shower that day. That was me two months ago. Looking like this:

Fat. Sad. Miserable.

But today...

I know it doesn't have to be like that. Life is not SUPPOSED to be like that. Praise the Lord Almighty for pulling me out of the pit I was in!

Here's to staying out of the pit...

My Little Black Dress

The closet is a very personal place. Some like to keep it cleaned out while others choose to save a few pieces from every size they have ever been or hope to be.

Mine is of the "keep it clean" variety. Seeing sizes that do not fit only serve as a bitter reminder of what I am not. I get rid of them. Needless to say, the face of my closet has changed quite a bit over the years--an eerie reflection of the body whose clothes it contains.

However, through all the times I have pulled, donated and trashed, one article has remained. My little black dress. I have not worn my little black dress in 10 years, but I can never bear to part with it. It hangs quietly and humbly in the very back of my closet. It has never mocked me in the way the others did.

You see, the little black dress represents a hope. A small but promising hope that resides deep within my heart of hearts. A hope that never gave up on ME.

The little black dress is waiting on me, cheering me on--it always has been. Today it has moved from the deep, dark recesses of my closet and mind to the very front and center of the same. I will wear this old and faithful friend again--soon. And when I do, I may never take it off.

I hope that you have a little black dress. They say everyone should.

Momentum

I always start a diet (Yes, a diet. Let's just call it what it is! Until I reach a goal weight, I am on a diet. I would like for it to be a lifestyle change and hopefully it will be. But for right now, its just a diet. I feel like "diet " is a dirty word these days. Well, not in my book. Diet, diet, diet) Okay, sorry. As I was saying...

I always start a diet with gusto, but look up 6 months down the road to find the momentum has taken a turn in the wrong direction. I have gained several...tens of pounds and am left thinking that if I had only kept the momentum going in the right direction I would be down that many pounds. It is frustrating.

Such a slippery slope, falling off the wagon. You have been doing amazingly well for a month or so. You pass up candy at the office, drive past the Taco Bell that is calling your name, order the grilled chicken instead of the chicken fried steak at your favorite restaurant. You're doing SO good!

But then it slowly begins to happen. About 9 o'clock one evening you are craving something sweet. Chocolate, I imagine. You try to distract yourself from the cookie dough sitting in the refrigerator. You go to sleep. 10:30 you sit up in bed. You think to yourself, If it's in the middle of the night and I eat it, there's no line to write the points down. It must not count. (Yes, this is the distorted and seriously SICK logic a food addict might use. We're crazy.) You get up and eat some dough. And then some more dough. Before you know it, you are throwing the package away and feeling really bad about the decision you just made.

You wake up the next day and start out in good spirits. You have every intention of getting "right back on track." But as you are heading to work you realize you have a few extra minutes. McDonald's is on the way. Hmm, you already messed up the night before. It's going to be a bad week anyway. Might as well drive through for breakfast.

Lunch rolls around. The stuff you packed doesn't sound good. Your buds are going to drive through somewhere. Heck, its Friday!

And then--the weekend. Well, let's just say it ain't pretty. You get discouraged. You spend a few weeks following this pattern and before you know it the hard work that you had put in during the early weeks, it's all down the tubes. You failed. Miserably.

But.

But, what if momentum were to go the other way? What if the good choices began to build on one another and the more that were made, the easier it became to make them. Eventually perhaps McDonald's didn't even catch your eye. Maybe you would actually rather have the grilled food instead of the fried. And maybe, you could teach yourself to stay on track even after you mess up.

Momentum.

I want to be so far in, that there's no turning back. Wonder what that will be like? Feel like? Look like?

I'm about to find out.

How to Dress Your Muffin

Coming from an unlikely source, but a source nonetheless, here is a fashion tip:

Don't drop down a size before your time!

Tempting though it may be, do not, under any circumstances, do it. This is why.

208 lbs in a size 16

208 lbs in a size 18

Just in case you aren't getting it, let's take another look. From behind.

208 lbs in a size 16

208 lbs in a size 18

It is SO much fun to drop down a size! Believe me--I know. That is precisely the reason I had these 16s on tonight--just checking in with them. Much to my disappointment, the proof was in the photo. The muffin is not "mini" yet. It's not even standard. So, in my 18s I will stand proud.

Patience my dear friends, patience.

P.S. This goes for skinny folk too. No one is immune to muffin tops. Just buy the next size up and deal. You can thank me later.

Goal No.1 Reached

My reward for reaching Goal #1 of 209lbs!!!

• workout shirt (which I am wearing)
• The Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga
• socks with a pink line so "no one" can steal them
• Yoga mat

As previously stated, I have attempted to lose weight many times in the past and so this is not the first time I have rewarded myself for goals reached. However, the old me would have rewarded herself with food. This is what an old reward list might have looked like:

10 lbs lost--Hot Fudge Sundae!!

20 lbs lost--a week of eating whatever I want!!

great weigh-in--drive through Taco Bueno!!

Hmm. Do we understand the problem with this behavior pattern? Totally fuels the fire we are trying to put out. Thankfully, God has graced me with some clarity in this matter and I realize now that the reward has to be a springboard for more success. This is my current reward list (permanently posted on the sidebar):

209 lbs -- new workout clothes

199 lbs -- new outfit

189 lbs -- haircut, mani & pedi

179 lbs -- massage

169 lbs -- new outfit

159 lbs -- girls weekend

149 lbs -- family portrait

140 lbs -- tropical vacay w/ Hubs

All of these things will make me feel better about myself and encourage me to keep going. Yes, they might be a little costly but becoming healthy will save lots of money in the long run (ie. fewer medications, surgeries, etc.) At least that's what I'm telling the hubs. Quite a bit of truth to it, no?

I will leave you with a glimpse of my yoga "buddies." They make it impossible such a blast to work out in the comfort of my own home!

I really, really did not want to include this one since the gut is taking center stage, but I have to stay true to my "keepin' it real" theme. No guts--no glory, right?! AND I found out my deep lunge isn't so deep...need to work on that. Thank you, disgusting photograph.

And while I am being real, I might as well tell you that I ate several crackers with high-fat cheese last night. And a few Doritos with bean dip. Oh, and some peanut butter crackers. (I waited too long to eat dinner and went bonkers) Back on track today though. Yay me.

Okay--so what rewards are you planning for yourself? I want to know.

My Makover and Gratitude

Well, what do you think?

I decided after exploring the vast, VAST world of weight loss blogs that my old title (Confessions...) wasn't very original and I just had to have something new. I wanted the title to somehow convey the theme of transparency that I am striving for on this blog. I began brainstorming with words like TRUE, HONEST, and REAL.

Obviously, the latter won out. Borrowing a design idea from one of my favorite magazines, the new look and title were born. Sure, you could say I'm REAL fat as in I'm REALLY fat. But once again--I am primarily going for the idea of transparency as in let's keep it REAL.

I dug around and found a few more "before" pictures for your viewing pleasure. Find them on my sidebar. I don't know why but I am having a heyday posting these disgusting pictures of myself. It is SUCH a motivator for me. Anyway...

On a different note, I just want to say "thank you!" for all the support! The encouragement I get from reading your blogs and comments is truly priceless. Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Why is that weird girl taking so many pictures of herself?

1. I enjoy visiting weight loss blogs that are full of photos. It is very encouraging to see what I might look like at a certain weight and that other people are doing this and being successful.

2. I see myself more clearly when I take a photo. It helps keep me grounded--realizing that I DO look better, but I'm still not "there." Motivation to keep moving towards the next photo.

3. One of these days I am going to have a great documentation of what I looked like before, during and after the journey.

4. It keeps me accountable and honest. Photos don't lie. I have put myself out there for all the world to see and there is no turning back now. Otherwise this would be really embarrassing.

So, there you go. I would encourage you to strike a pose today! It's kind of liberating.

Ugly/Beautiful Truth

So--Melissa from the Biggest Loser. We all pretty much can't stand her. She's a liar, according to Bob and Jillian. She's a tad obnoxious. She cries an awful lot.

But.

But last night I had a revelation. I AM Melissa. We all are a little bit. Haven't we all lied when it comes to our bodies and this weight loss thing? At some point haven't we allowed the truth to bend? I say yes, we have.

I have had a perfect week on paper and acted surprised when the scale didn't reflect it, even though I knew the paper wasn't reality. I lied.

I have looked at my face and only my face in the mirror for so long, that I began to forget the rest of me existed. As long as the face is presentable, I'm okay. Right? No. I lied.

I have avoided social situations that are uncomfortable many times because I am self conscious. I would say that I didn't feel like it or that wasn't really my cup of tea. I lied.

I have gone to the gym and given about 10% of the effort I could to the workout and about 90% to the TV there...only to return home without ever being able to regain those minutes I took from my kids, my husband, myself. I lied.

I have driven through a fast food restaurant on my way home from work and then proceeded to sit down to a full course dinner with my family. And get seconds. I lied.

I have tried to convince myself that it's what's on the inside that counts, even though I never thought twice about what I put INSIDE mouth. I have chosen to believe that I could simply disregard exercise and the conditioning of my body because "I am not that vain."

I chose to believe a lie. Though subtle, these are LIES.

When Bob looked at Melissa last night and told her that she had gained his respect back, I felt like he could have been talking to me. Because I'm not lying to myself anymore. Huge. I have come face to face with the ugly truth of what I am, but in doing so I am now also face to face with the beautiful truth of what I can become.

So I submit to myself, Melissa, and fat girls everywhere--

"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32