Crossroads

Its been several years since I posted here. A number of things about my life have changed, but one thing remains the same: I am still working on my health.

When I thoughtfully consider the inception of this blog and everything that has transpired since, I conclude that there is no reason to be anything but grateful. I have kept off a substantial amount of weight for a number of years. I have experienced the value of discipline, transparency and forgiveness. I have begun the life-long process of learning to truly love people rather than to use or fear them.

All of these things have come to be, in part, because of the struggle I've had with food. I wouldn't change a thing about that. Not even the stubborn roll that resides just below my bellybutton. Will it ever go away for good? I don't know. I really don't. But its OK if it doesn't. The significance of that  roll pales in comparison to a life changed.

I have more peace with my weight, my appearance, my worth, my purpose...than I've ever had before. Yet, here I stand. Facing a crossroads where it seems  I've stood a million times before. I used to think there was only this one and that I'd shamefully keep coming back to it over and over again, forever. But what I'm wondering today is...could this be just one of many crossroads that I have come to in my journey? That I will come to? God never quits working on us; He never stops bringing us to completion. No, I really don't think I'm back to an old place at all. I'm at a new place. It's only familiar because faith is required to go the way I need to go--and faith is required at many crossroads.

I don't have to stand here as long as I used to trying to make a move. Because I know that He will carry me when I step out in the right direction. When I put my trust in Him and stop relying on myself--my analysis, my reservations, my fears--then we get moving down a good road. 

It is my intention to begin a Whole 30 on April 1 and never really look back. Over the next couple of weeks I am reading up, planning and praying about this new direction.  I have missed blogging about this area of my life. I so hope I will be able to keep it up consistently.

The Change

I think it's the coolest thing ever when God reveals a little bit more of the bigger picture to one of his children. The bigger picture that only he can see. It fills my heart with joy, hope and encouragement to press on because I'm reminded and shown that He really is working all things together for good. It's also such an expression of his intimate love for me.

January has been representative of big changes for me over the past 5 years. I love a new, clean, blank slate. This January came more like a breath of fresh air than a clean slate. I was beginning to feel suffocated by the final days of 2014. A myriad of health issues for everyone in the family had been wreaking havoc for several weeks. Tummy bugs, upper respiratory infection that wouldn't quit, an autoimmune flare up for my son, flu for my husband, what I think was flu for myself, several-day constipation episode with my daughter...It was a lot for this gal whose anxiety is triggered by health issues.

On New Years Eve I began thinking about what we could do as a family to improve our health. For several years I have basically been preparing a healthy meal for myself and then whatever the others want to appease them. I have tried a couple of times to feed everyone the same way but with even a small bit of resistance I have given up. With a stronger motivation this time around--wanting to heal some of the health issues--I decided to enlist the troops first. I presented the plan, along with the science behind it, to all adults in the house and after some everyone agreed to give it a go. I shared the meal plan with grandparents so they would understand what is going on as well. Everyone was supportive and willing to help out.

Establishing this support system and understanding is key. Everyone has to be on the same page. I was and am so grateful that this happened. Then the research, planning, prepping and shopping began. We are basically transitioning to a real food diet. My initial goals are to remove all gluten, sugar, and toxicity from the foods we eat. I am trying to keep a balance of introducing new foods, namely vegetables, but offering some old, comforting favorites but swapping to healthier ingredients. We may not be healthIEST yet but we are healthIER.

The food preparations and meal planning is not as difficult as it might seem. I have been learning to eat like this for the past year. That's part of God revealing his plan to me! Last February, I believe it was, I decided to do a 21 Day Sugar Detox just to see what the buzz was all about and to get a better grip on the Paleo way of eating. I didn't fully understand why I was doing it but I definitely felt a prompting and God gave me the strength to breeze through that 21 days. It was truly life changing for me. I now see that this is the direction that is in the best interest of my little family, and in-part at least, I see what God was up to in that. I also now see the extremely anxious weeks of December with all the sickness being the springboard I needed to be able to jump head-first into this change with no reservations and full confidence.

Making the changes been difficult on the kids and me emotionally. I won't lie. I'm working through feelings of guilt and shame for the way I have allowed their palates to develop from an early age--full of sugar, unhealthy grains and processed foods and most of all letting them--the CHILDREN--dictate what they would be eating most of the time. On the other hand I have to be gentle with myself and remember that I just began learning about real food and nutrition a few years ago.  I also feel that I have been in survival mode over the past 5 years trying to get my life back and under control. It's like the "put your own oxygen mask on before you put it on someone else" scenario. I now have the tools I need, the determination, the support and the motivation. Now is the time for change for my kids. God's timing is perfect.

Some of the fun of this so far has been trying to disguise vegetables into foods that my kids love. Macaroni and Cheese! Yesterday I cooked cauliflower and carrots in water, drained them. Thought that, small amount of cream cheese, butter and raw cheddar in the food processor. Cheese sauce that is loaded with nutrients my kids have never had before. Yes, there is the processed cheese and rice noodles but every step in the right direction is a BIG step. An important step and ones that I am choosing to celebrate big time! My kids, I'm sorry to say, have been raised on Easy Mac and they gobbled this up. That's some legit mac 'n cheese, right there.

I also added a sweet potato and spinach puree to some organic pasta sauce and no one knew. It tasted really good, the sweet potatoes gave it a nice sweetness and the spinach particles passed for Italian spices. Ha!

I think one of the greatest challenges is separating emotions from this process. I know that is has been for me in my personal journey with food and now I am trying to help my children to separate emotions from eating which means using my own knowledge and intuition to decided when they are truly hungry, when they are bored, when they are tired, when they are anxious, etc. It takes every ounce of motherhood that I have in me to do this...and it feels great. It feels like I am doing what a mother should be doing. I have to be so in tune with what is going on in their heads and hearts that I can help them make the right choices and when they can't, then I have to make it for them. This is what it is to be a parent. This is what it is to love. But so hard! I have to control myself at the same time.  To listen to a kid complain about the food I just made and not ignore him for the rest of the night because it hurt my feelings? Tough. But I have to separate my emotions from this too. I have to be strong enough to see past the tears that are begging for something that is horrible for a tiny body and realize that many times love is saying no. Tears never hurt anyone.

So, more of seeing that bigger picture. Learning to combat emotional eating and people pleasing over the past 5 years now has an even greater purpose that I could have imagined. So amazing.

And I must say something about this guy. My love.

He has supported me on this journey relentlessly and there is no one on earth I would rather have by my side than him. He is eating the hidden veggie meals like a trooper and giving me high fives and butt slaps for every victory in the kitchen. Lol! We are truly a team and that makes all the difference in the world.

I'm so thankful to God for these victories and "the change" that we have already seen in just one week. I'm thankful for the path that he has chosen for me and the people that he has chosen for me. May he be glorified in our lives and in our health! Soli Deo Gloria!

Blog post completed. Now, on to do some more hard things on this frigid January morning!

Defining the It

There are countless motivational snippets using the word "it" as the subject. Some examples:

Just do it.

Whatever it takes.

It always seems impossible until it's done.

How bad do you want it?

You got to work for it.

It's not easy but it's worth it.

No one's going to do it for you.

Make it happen!

So, I've been thinking. What is this allusive "it"? 

Is it whatever I want it to be that day? That month? That year? Do I even know what it is that I want? And more importantly, whatever it is, is it worth wanting? Experience tells me that there is really only one it that is worth wanting. Worth working for. 

"The destined end of man is not happiness, nor health, but holiness." Oswald Chambers

Holiness. This is the it that I want dangling in front of me. A bikini? No. Ability to run miles unwinded? No. Ab muscles that are visible? No. A certain number on the scale? No. To feel comfortable in my own skin? No. To be healthy? No. Not even that.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want these things. But these things can't be the it. They can't! They aren't required of me. They aren't promised to me. They aren't things that can fullfill me. They aren't its that will last. Perhaps for a time, but not forever. 

...train yourself for godliness. For while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. 1 Timithy 4:7-8

Maybe there are lots of different its in my life. But there is one It that transcends them all--drives all that I do--in any and every situation. All the other its must fall in line with that one, ultimate IT. Godliness. Holiness. To be like Christ.

Everyday I gotta wake up and remind myself what it is that I'm living for. And the Bible says that I have to train for it. It won't just happen. I need a plan to train for godliness. Time set aside to be in God's word. A regimen for daily talks with God. Goals for hiding His word in my heart. Accountability to then live it out! In other words...

Just do it.

Whatever it takes.

It always seems impossible until it's done.

How bad do you want it?

You got to work for it.

It's not easy but it's worth it.

No ones going to do it for you.

Defining the it makes all the difference! We must do our part to train for godliness and then pray for God to "Make it happen!"

Progress Pics & More

So the sugar diaries kinda went by the wayside. I don't know why I always try to do things like that. You know, things that require consistency.

I decided several days into no sugar/no wheat that I just wanted to eat whatever but track it. So I did. And I felt miserable. So now I'm back to no sugar/no wheat but I'm not going to diary about it everyday on this blog. Most likely.

Cleaning out pics on my phone today, I ran across these January come-to-Jesus photos. Thank goodness I stopped and turned from the path I was on. I could easily be back up to my highest weight by now if I'd kept going. Instead I've made slow and steady progress. Currently hovering slightly over 180. In Jan I believe I was up to 200+.

Life is good. God is teaching me so much about myself, stuff I probably couldn't have even handled knowing before right now. I'm learning to appreciate and live in every moment. Not like I'm crossing off bucket list items left and right. I'm just taking each day, each moment in stride and trying to confide in God first when I come to a bump in the road. God first, people second. I feel lighter in a way that has nothing to do with my weight.

Below is a shot I took while on lake vacation with the family last week. I can't even express how perfect it was. For me, it was ideal. Breezy, cloudy, 70 degree weather everyday. I think some sun would have been appreciated by the more lively of the bunch who were there for the water! But for me, perfect. The slow-paced time with family was lovely.

I've slipped back into a good eating and cooking routine. I go through phases where even thinking about healthy food (read: vegetables) just makes me want to barf. I'm kind of learning to go with the flow of those phases and eat what I want in moderation and just capitalize on the phases where I get in a healthy groove like I am right now. Maybe this feast/fast mentality will work for me. Praying God will lead the way.

Currently I'm eating 3 meals and two snacks focusing on healthy fats, lots of veggies, some fruit and a bit of dairy each day. Some weeks I may plan ahead and others I may need to track each day on My Fitness Pal. 

I'm figuring out what is black and white and what is more grey. 

Black and White: I have to have a plan.

Grey: There are different plans that can work for me at different times.

These are some recent posts on my REALFATPICS Instagram account. This morning was my week 2 da y2 for Couch to 5K. I went early while there was a breeze and it was nice. I'm really determined to complete this because I want to be easily running 3-4 miles by fall.

One thing I love about walking/jogging is how God speaks to me. I think because I want to talk to God but I can't really because I'm out of breath and focused on not DYING so instead I have to listen. He always speaks. Yesterday was an interesting one. We were talking about how it is just me and Him now. My focus needs only to be on Him. All of a sudden a scene from the movie Dirty Dancing came to my mind. I haven't seen that movie in years and I couldn't even really remember what the scene was other than Patrick Swayze was pointing at Jennifer Grey to look into his eyes. I kind of laughed it off, God couldn't possibly want to speak to me through an old movie that has the word "dirty" in the title could he?

Indeed.

I found the clip later on yesterday and when I watched I just smiled and felt so loved. We've been dancing for a long time, me and God.

The Sugar Diaries: Day 4 & 5

Does chocolate chip cookie dough have sugar in it? 

Yeah. That's what I thought.

The Sugar Diaries: Day 3

One of the reasons I love doing the 21 Day Sugar Detox ( http://21daysugardetox.com/ ) are the bowel benefits. By Day 2 I am moving from Type 4 into Type 5, which is ideal.

Yesterday I did have a moment of serious sugar craving. There was nothing that sounded good but something sweet. I crunched on salty almonds until the moment passed. 

I'm not monitoring quantity this week. I just want to avoid sugar temptation and next week I will track and look at calories. 

The Sugar Diaries: Day 2

Today I'm calling good. Although I did have a bite of baked beans and one slight sip of a chocolate milk shake, today was the Fourth of July and I kind of jumped into the detox with very little prep or planning. I think I did good considering my mental state and all the business going on around me. 

My goal for tomorrow is to exercise. Some way, somehow.

The Sugar Diaries: Day 1

Note to self: 

Why am I doing this?

My Utmost for His Highest, June 29

If your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell —Matthew 5:30

Jesus did not say that everyone must cut off his right hand, but that “if your right hand causes you to sin” in your walk with Him, then it is better to “cut it off.” There are many things that are perfectly legitimate, but if you are going to concentrate on God you cannot do them. Your right hand is one of the best things you have, but Jesus says that if it hinders you in following His precepts, then “cut it off.” The principle taught here is the strictest discipline or lesson that ever hit humankind.

I have long struggled with food. This is "my story." Food is a gift from God. Sugar is a good thing. It's a good thing that I must cut off. Praise God that many of his children may enjoy it to His glory. This has not been my experience. 

I continue to desire sugar. It's more than a good thing to me. It's a friend, a comfort, an analgesic when I choose this inanimate substance over the Living God. It is permissible for me to eat sugar. But not beneficial.

So when someone questions me...when I begin to question myself...let this note stand to gently but confidently remind me that I'm not running aimlessly or as one beating air. But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified. (1 Corinthians 9:27). This is for Gods glory. Get behind me Satan.

About that Bikini...

This morning I was thinking about a blog post I did a long time ago. I had been about 3 months into my journey and decided to do a video post about swimsuits. I confidently proclaimed that I would be wearing a two piece bathing suit that summer on a beach somewhere. Never would I wear one of those granny suits again, I promised.

Well here we are  about 4 years later and suffice it to say, granny suits aren't getting such a bad wrap from me these days. Am I where I wanted to be back then, right now? No. But that's honestly a wonderful thing. What if God just gave us everything we wanted right when we wanted it? Oh man.

In place of a two-piece body I have received some things I wouldn't have ever even dreamed of asking for.

A love for honesty and facing reality.
Desire to deal with conflict.
Experience in perseverance.
Acceptance of my body as God made it.
A truly free spirit that has almost stopped making plans of her own.
Understanding of why I weighed nearly 230 pounds (and it's not because "I just love food.")
Guidance on how to be really beautiful. (See 1 Pet.3)
Grace and compassion for others who suffer from addictions, bad habits & hurts.
A deeper relationship with Jesus.

Basically, I asked for scraps and God provided  a feast.

A Nail-Biter

Took a counseling course a couple years ago and one of the projects was a "sin" project. Fun times. I had to write a whole paper that was focused specially on a personal sin. It was actually very liberating believe it or not.

We were instructed to focus on something we might consider "not a big deal," something as seemingly insignificant as say...biting your nails.

Huh? Biting nails is a sin? 

Well not exactly, but the roots of why a person might bite their nails can reveal deeper sin struggles. I did not use that for my project but it has been something I think about a lot. Because I have been biting my nails for as long as I can remember.

When do I bite my nails? Why?

When I am afraid, overwhelmed, worried. I usually don't even realize Im doing it until one starts bleeding.  Is there any connection between putting nails in my mouth and putting food in my mouth when I am afraid, overwhelmed, worried? I imagine there is. 

Will-power has never been a sustainable method for me to change things like these. Hot pepper juice can't even keep my nails out of my mouth! The hope of a cute bikini bod can't even make me eat less. There is no man-made way or incentive for me to be made whole.

But turning to The Sustainer, the God who holds me...for peace, comfort and wisdom will--in the long run--change me. Change everything about me, right down to the state of my fingernails.

The LORD is a stronghold for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you. Psalm 9:9-10

For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. Col 1:19-20

I have not had finger nails in my mouth for over a month. Also down 15 lbs since Jan. Thx Jesus.

Heart, Mind & Soul

"What comes into our minds when we think about God is the most important thing about us." A.W. Tozer

I used to believe that God was was waiting on me to get my stuff together. That he would really love me and accept me if I could just do everything the way I was supposed to. That was my spiritual belief, deep down. Even if I said stuff like God has forgiven me, God loves me, etc...I didn't truly believe it deep deep down. Spiritually I was striving to attain favor with God. 

Mentally, I thought constantly about how often I fell short. I thought that I was not doing something that I was supposed to be because I could never stick to anything. I thought that just like many people treated me differently because of being overweight, that God must also see me as an outcast and someone not worthy of Him. I thought that I was not adding up to the expectations God had for me.

Emotionally, I was miserable. I felt sad and like a failure every time I fell in my attempts to get healthy. I was failing to make myself "acceptable." I was emotionally ashamed, bitter, and hopeless. 

Physically, this all led to doing nothing. Since I felt hopeless, I just didn't want to try. Since I had tried so many times to get it right and hadn't, what was the point of doing anything like trying to eat right. Trying to move more.

This paints a pretty decent picture of how our spiritual beliefs inform our thought life, which directs our emotions which determine our actions.

But when my idea of God changed, so did everything else about me.

When I began to understand and truly believe in the GOSPEL message that God loves me as a failure. In fact that he never expected anything other than a failure from me apart from Him, well...that changed things.

When I let that truth that it wasn't up to me to get it right to be accepted by God, it was like a healing balm to my mind. The thoughts of falling short were paired with the knowledge that Jesus covers that shortcoming with his blood shed on the cross. The thought of an angry God tapping his foot waiting on me to improve was replaced with the thought of a God running toward me in my sin ready to clean up the mess. The thought of a God who died for sinners, outcasts, obese people who are lost and trapped...that thought changed me.

Those thoughts come into my heart like a rushing river that washes away the emotions of bitterness, shame and hopelessness and replaces them with gratitude, confidence and hope. Why would he save me to leave me in the filth? Why would He die for me and then turn his back on me? He doesn't. And so it slowly became okay to get up again. Day after day is a "do-over" and I am okay with that. I feel safe to be honest with others about the darkest parts of who I am because God knows all of that and he has accepted me.

It's not that I now have it all together physically but I do have hope. And without hope it's pretty hard to even get out of bed in the morning.

The Bible says the TRUTH will set you free. It also says that Jesus is the TRUTH. So let the TRUTH invade your soul and see what happens to your mind, heart and body.

"We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope." Tim Keller

More To It Than "Just Do It"

I've seen this floating around a lot and while I do understand and agree with the principle (you have to eat right to make the workout worth it), I believe it can be misleading and even discouraging to some people. 

Nutrition and exercise are the two major physical factors in weight loss, however, for many people, weight loss is much more than a purely physical obstacle to tackle.This visual does little to help those people lose the weight. Why? Isn't knowledge power? Yes, to an extent. But for a person who is carrying a significant amount of extra weight, it likely didn't get there because they are uneducated. 

This 80/20 principle of fitness is only one piece of the weight loss puzzle...a piece upon which most of us have a fairly decent grasp. There are 3 more "pieces" if you will, that don't get much airtime: the Mental piece, the Emotional piece and the Spiritual piece.The reason I don't think these get much airtime is that they don't really "sell." People don't want to address all these pieces because it's hard work. It can be painful, inconvenient and even costly. Maybe it just seems silly or "not for me." Maybe it seems too complicated. After all, Just don't eat when you're hungry. Keep your appetite under control. Eat less, move more! It's that simple, right? Well, it seems a lot less complicated in January than it does in December, I'll tell you that much.

I know there are people who have lost large amounts of weight and have even kept it off for many years by merely changing their diet and exercise. Perhaps they just needed some education, a form of exercise that was fun for them and time. I am thrilled to no end for these people! I wish that was me. But it's not.

If you can't figure out how to "stick to it", then tell me, how much good does knowing about the 80/20 principle do you? How helpful are the hours of reading, research and physical exertion if you can't be honest about what you are putting in your mouth? How fun is losing 100 pounds if you still feel lost on the inside.

Someone has focused on that physical piece for so long and so diligently, year after year, book after book, gym after gym... never to make progress and can not figure out why. Someone is frustrated, defeated and tired. Someone is starting to wonder if there's more to it than "just do it."

If that's you then I am telling you, you're on to something! The physical piece alone is not enough. The 80 and the 20, while important, are not the only players here. There is more. Dig deeper. Don't settle for a surface change without getting to the root. Keep doing what you need to do physically, utilize all the knowledge you have, but start examining the other pieces as well. What you begin to find might just be what's been missing all along.

A starting point for each piece:

Mental-- memorize scripture

Emotional--tell someone trusted and close about your deepest struggle (email me if you'd like: keeliesue@live.com)

Spiritual--Pray and admit your need for help.

Sometimes a simple reminder that there is more to life than eating well and working out can be encouraging. This is how I see it:

I know, I know-- I'm bad at math! But I really did mean to have four 100 percents here. More to come in the following days on picking up the pieces of total wellness!

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength." Mark 12:30

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." Mark 10:27

Asking the Right Questions

NOT: How long is this going to take?

BUT: What have I learned so far?

NOT: Why is the scale so stupid? 

BUT: Why do I put so much emphasis on the scale?

NOT: How much more food can I eat today? 

BUT: What is my body telling me it needs? 

NOT: What are some healthier midnight snacks that I can have?

BUT: Why am I eating midnight snacks?

NOT: Why can't I be perfect?

BUT: Why do I want to be perfect?

NOT: Who is responsible for my being overweight?

BUT: What is my role in being overweight?

NOT: What is working for everyone else?

BUT: What works for me?

NOT: Why am I such a loser?

BUT: What factors caused me to give up in the past?

NOT: How much can I get away with?

BUT: What boundaries are helpful to me?

NOT: Why is it so easy for some people?

BUT: How is God using this difficulty to refine me?

NOT: Why do I have to struggle with this? 

BUT: Who else is struggling that I can encourage and possibly help?

NOT: Why does my family/friend sabotage me?

BUT: Why do I let them?

NOT: Why is exercise so boring and hard!? 

BUT: Am I using this amazing body God made to it's full capacity?

NOT: What are people thinking?

BUT: Why am I so concerned about what people think?

NOT: What if I quit? 

BUT: What if I keep going?

Walk On

My life has changed drastically in the past 4 years. 

Physically I lost (forever gone) 30 lbs. I have been, though not currently, in the best shape of my life, completing multiple 5Ks as well as a Half Marathon. I am no longer one to sit and rarely watch TV anymore. I have learned more about nutrition than I even thought possible and continue to learn more. I now know what being healthy "feels" like and crave that feeling when I'm not.

Mentally I learned that I can do hard things, as well as things that aren't fun to me just because sometimes those things need to be done. Sometimes they have to be done. I learned that many deep-seeded lies have directed my thinking for years and by replacing those lies with the truth of God's Word I think about all things in a different way today.

Emotionally I have learned that relationships with other people aren't optional and they are really hard but thats ok. Relationship is something God created to conform me to His Son. Love others. Not "easy others" or "likeable others" or "stable others" or "drama-free others." Just love others. I am able to love for no other reason than the glorious fact God loves me.  Difficult, unlikeable, unstable, drama-filled me. Yes, I learned those things about myself, too. I know that I need to be loved and to accept love when it's given, however it's given, even if its not the way I imagined it should be.

And finally the spiritual aspect of my journey. This whole real fat deal has been completely spiritual. I had no idea what I started when I posted this silly picture in January of 2009:

I just felt "something "(it was the Holy Spirit of Christ) compelling me to be brutally honest. Honest about my thoughts, my feelings, and yes, even my weight. God's Word assured me that it would be okay to be REAL because He loved the real me. And others need to know he loves the real them. 

It seems now that He carried me that year. Completely--I don't remember being discouraged or wanting to quit or even thinking that what I was doing to improve  my health was difficult. Then satan busted in with lies. New lies that I hadn't heard before and had trouble discerning. Was I being too rigid? Was I trying too hard to be obedient? Was I being silly putting all of this out there for the world to see? I began to lose heart.

I took a step back for a couple of years. During that time I have learned lots but the most important is this: No matter what, I have got to walk on. When doubt haunts me, when human voices taunt me, I can't be shaken! I can't retreat or pout or give up. I must Keep Calm and Walk On.

So here we are in 2014. Let's walk, people!

{Oh yes, Proverbs 3 is my "scripture of 2014." Gonna memorize that baby, hopefully with the fam.}

Back to Square One (With Hope)

I wonder if anyone out there feels like I have been feeling...

Here we are. Again. The starting line. Again? Really?

Really.

"Oh my gosh. This is so ridiculous. So cliche! The beginning of a new year, a new outlook on life and losing weight. Gag! How many times have you done this, Keelie? No one believes you can do it. You are pitiful. Why are you even doing this again? You never succeed. You never stay the course. You are going to make an idiot of yourself. Don't bother. No one even cares if you are "healthy" or not. It's pointless. You have never been able to stop yourself from quitting. You are weak. You are addicted to food. Food! How gross is that? Why can't you just control yourself? ugh! Disgusting. Even if you do good for a while you'll slip. You'll fall hard. You always do. And then you'll feel sorry for yourself. You'll eat. And eat. And eat. And then you'll get so fat that your clothes will look horrible and won't fit. You'll have to wear the same outfit over and over again when you go in public because it's the only thing that buttons. Oh but that's right, you aren't giving up. You're going to "try again," again. It's cute. It really is. But you are a lost cause. A joke. Give it up. Just do us all a favor and stop.

Anyone?

This is shame. The shame of the enemy.

I have to make a choice right now.The shame of Satan or the God of Hope?

In our failure, in our fatness, in our weakness and in our shame, Jesus came for us. He said "I love you." with his life and death. He takes that very Love and pours it into our hearts. If we confess our weakness of character, the undeniable urge to serve only ourselves and if we believe He loves us anyway then we become children of God. To each of us who is a sinner and believes we need saving, God adopts us as his beloved. He sees a heart made beautiful by the blood of his Son. The shame, in reality, is gone as far as the east is from the west. If Someone can love me in spite of me--and He does-- then there is hope. And Hope will not put us to shame. Never.

So I've decided that I'm not going to be ashamed of starting again and believing that I'll be successful.This is the confidence I have, that He who began a good work in me will finish what He started. That's His plan, and who am I to argue? Not only is beginning again possible, it's necessary. I'm done with shame.

And Satan...well he can just go to hell.

Baby Bundt for the Soul

Yesterday after hours of Christmas shopping I finally waved my white flag in the battle of "I Want Sweets." Reluctantly I entered the Corner Bakery and sheepishly ordered a chocolate baby bundt cake. I rendered my coffee the perfect shade of creamy caramel and de-layered into a cozy booth for one. My eyes began to wander around, taking in all the people as I carefully cut and ate each section of my chocolatey, seemingly comforting cake, assuring myself this would be the last sugar I'd have in 2013.

The hustly, bustly holiday people were packed into this joint. Some talking, some texting. The awkward girlfriend eating her sandwich with one hand covering her mouth as she alternated chewing and nervously giggling uncontrollably while her aloof companion scarfed down his food. There was the 50-something-year-old man with a newspaper under his arm waiting impatiently for his to-go order to be brought out. Two cute older ladies splitting a sandwich and a muffin. A mom trying to feed her 4 kids under the age of 6. Methodically...a well oiled machine. Likely soaking up every last minute of "getting out" before returning to what we mom's affectionately refer to as "Home."

And then there was me. 

The overweight girl in a corner booth eating her big-enough-for-3-or-4 "baby" bundt cake. Every last bite of it. Peering out from behind a book wondering if anyone was reading me the way I was reading them. 

My thoughts were jolted when an annoyingly symmetrical, upside-down-heart-shaped, hard-as-a-rock, perky little booty covered in black tights (which are apparently the same thing as pants now) pranced past me.

Wow. Just wow. I'm sure my eyes were bugging out of my head. So much flooding my mind, If only...how in the world...stop STARING!... 

As she sat down in the booth just in front of me,  wondered what it would be like to have that bum (what Glory would call it) as I used my fork to smash and lift up the surviving micro-crumbs of my baby bundt. Guess I'll never know. Ha. 

My daydreaming was once again interrupted when I over-heard a server ask the table behind me if they had ordered a cup of chicken noodle soup. 

Chicken noodle soup? 

Who comes to a place like Corner Bakery and orders a CUP of chicken noodle soup? Do they not KNOW about the Club Panini? The combos that include salad, soup, and a sandwich? The Maple Pecan Squares or the Monster Cookies? Do they not fear they will be stark-raving HUNGRY when they leave if they only have a cup of chicken noodle soup? No coffee? Really? I feel kind of sorry for that person. Who does that?

No one was claiming it. I assumed a mistake had been made. It was surely an add-on to the mom of 4's order. Sometimes the kids eat more than you think they will, ya know? 

But no. The server moved past me, glanced to the left and stopped. 

Booty Girl. 

Seeing that her plastic number was a match to the singular cup of brothy nothingness the server gently slid said nothingness in front of little black bum lady. I couldn't contain myself as I actually let out a brief Lol.Of course! This is exactly who orders a cup of chicken noodle soup at Corner Bakery. 

In all seriousness. I know better than to judge a book by its cover. Or a lady by her bum. For all I know she could have had a virus. And for all those people who were reading me at the Corner Bakery know, I could have eaten like a tight-booty gal today.

Precious Memory

I think it's funny that I decided if I didn't have anything to write about I would do a "gratitude post." As if that is something less important that what I have to say about...whatever. How self-absorbed. Duh.

Anyway...Today's gratitude post is about memory. I realized last night at a prayer meeting when we were directed to pray in thanksgiving for memories what a magnificent thing our memory is. I've never really thought about how unique the memory is. The ability to replay something in our mind. A decade, a year, a season, a day, a moment--we can recall because of memory. And attached to the mental picture comes sound, feeling, smell, emotion. A memory has the potential to engage the whole person, physically, mentally, emotionally and definitely spiritually. The more that I think about it, I believe our memory could be one of the most spiritual things about us. God certainly has purpose in everything He creates. I am overwhelmed as I begin to think of all the ways and reasons our memory is needed in our relationship with God...

So we can remember where we've been. Yes, even the most disgusting, deplorable pit imaginable can be turned to glorify God when we remember. And when we are in the bottom of the same pit  looking up we can remember that He's pulled us out before. We can remember His promises. The remarkable, miraculous ability He's given us to permanently engrave His words on our heart and in our minds and souls so that we might stay in the safety of His ways. We can remember. 

And for just sheer grace. Memories of happy times. The moment the doors flung open and the groom saw his bride. The time the family loaded up and headed to Six Flags on a Sunday morning whim. The time the test finally had two pink lines. The time the light was finally at the end of the tunnel. Hope, joy and happiness are just a thought away because of memory.

There is a song by Ginny Owens called If You Want Me To that is one of my very favorites. There are a couple of lines at the end that always bring that big lump up in the back of my throat. She talks about remembering:

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the darkness if You want me to 

When I cross over Jordan, I'm gonna sing, gonna shout
I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see, You never let me down
So take me on the pathway that will lead me home to You

I'm gonna look into Your eyes and see, You never let me down. Wow. God will one day redeem our memory. We will be able to remember our whole lives with full knowledge of Who He is. We will remember in a new way. I think this will give us the ability to worship in Spirit and in Truth unlike we ever have before. Just something cool to think about. Basically, and ultimately we have a memory so we can glorify God. 

Cheeseburgers, Scales & Expectations

You know what I hate? I hate when I get on the scale with an expectation and the number that appears is NOT low enough to make all of my sacrifice worth it. What has happened in that moment so many times in the past is that I decide right then and there that cheeseburgers are a more dependable way to be satisfied than losing weight. So I go spend the rest of the day stuffing my face with cheeseburgers.

The problem with this is that it's stupid. Because cheeseburgers are not dependable. Neither is a scale. I mean, they are dependable for the thing that they were meant to deliver. A tasty meal. A tool to measure weight. But neither is dependable to satisfy me.

Expectations are a dangerous thing if they do not consider the primary purpose of the object of expectation. The primary job of a cheeseburger is to taste good, not to make me feel good. The primary job of a scale is to measure weight, not to make me feel good.

But still, I am dying to be satisfied. Good news: The primary purpose of Christ is to satisfy me.

My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food,
    and my mouth will praise you with joyful lips,
6 when I remember you upon my bed,
    and meditate on you in the watches of the night;
7 for you have been my help,
    and in the shadow of your wings I will sing for joy.
8 My soul clings to you;
    your right hand upholds me.Psalm 63:6-8 

And the primary purpose of me is to glorify God. Love how it all comes together in these words from John Piper:

“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him” John Piper