Swimming

Thanks to all for your supportive comments on my last post. It's okay. I was/am just having a slight melt down. No biggie. I've had them before and I'm sure I'll have them again. It's always a very vulnerable position to put feelings out there but until I started typing up the post, I had no idea I was holding all that in. Now I have been thinking about it for an entire day. Still not feeling too great, to be honest, but I know I am right where I should be, mentally and emotionally. I know, that probably doesn't make sense.

I loved what Tiff had to say: You being afraid doesn't mean anything other than that you are experiencing an EMOTION tied to the fact that you are getting ready to DO something GREAT. She's exactly right. I am experiencing an emotion. I have learned that emotions are not bad. They are neutral and they are a gift from God to help us realize what is valuable to us. This endeavor (the half training) has been a very big deal for me. It represents way more than just jogging a few miles. It represents the transformation of a LIFE. Mine. And so the big emotional bubble that I'm in really makes sense. This is important to me.

The bad news is that for about 3 or 4 days I have been dealing with the emotion in a very unfortunate way. By eating and trying to retreat from life. See, this kind of thing always happens just when I start to (falsely) think "I'm cured." Ha! I realize that I am still prone to turn to food when the first twinge of uncomfortable emotion strikes. Sigh. I'm about to weigh-in in just a couple hours. Not. looking. forward. to it.

But the buck stops here. The Lord just reminded me of something I decided at the beginning of this new way of life. I decided that I wanted to feel everything the Lord had planned for me to feel. That I want to experience the breath and depth of emotion that He has created within me. I definitely don't want to cheapen that experience with chips and cookies and brownies. And Reese's eggs. A-hem. So I remember that now. And I also realize that by suppressing the emotions I am experiencing now, I am consequently suppressing the breadth and depth of emotion that I want to experience on Sunday. We have to accept the not-so-fun along with the SO-fun.

A while back someone asked me what I do when I realize I'm in a sticky situation. How do I keep it from escalating? Well, today I found myself in a very sticky, icky situation. What I've decided to do is walk away from the food and INTO the emotion--the fullness of emotion. Just like I'm swimming in it, letting it completely wash over me. I am trying hard to remember that my emotions can not hurt me. They can not control me--unless I let them.

...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.  John 10:10


For so long I've thought that the abundant life had only to do with being really "happy". That is such a finite view. Of course. My understanding is finite. I have no idea the abundance God wishes to lavish upon me. I certainly don't. But if I put down the brownies long enough, maybe He will show me.

Ghosts of Running Past

Okay. I'm having some serious junior high track flashbacks nightmares here. I guess the upcoming race... NEWSFLASH--My first Half Marathon is Sunday!...is starting to get to me a little bit.

See, when I was a teenager, I wasn't really athletic. But I lived in a very "athletic" town. Like, if you wanted to be somebody then you needed to be athletic. (If only I knew then what I know now! ) So I did sports. I played basketball. Oh wait, I mean I sat on the bench and got yelled at in practices for running into people because I didn't know what the heck I was doing. And I ran wind sprints for leaving my clothes and text books in the locker room. I played basketball, but I never actually played basketball.

Anyway, if you wanted to play basketball you also had to run track. Well, I was slow. And I didn't really know about working hard so I was slow with no potential to get faster. I was a "shot and disk girl." I threw the discus and shot put at our weekly track meets. But I also was entered, against my will, in the 800 m dash at our weekly track meets. That's 2 laps around the track.

(I have already had to stop myself twice from using inappropriate language. And I don't use inappropriate language. This is really stirring up some emotions...)

Have I mentioned that I am an anxious person? Yeah, always have been. This 800 m contest did not help. I would lay awake nights before a track meet literally sick because of my nerves. I would picture myself coming in dead last, sucking wind and then puking everywhere. I would devise plans like eating Sweet Tarts just before I took off so it would make me more relaxed. Emotional eating at its most bizarre...

On Sunday I am going to run the equivalent of more than 50 laps around a track. HOLY COW! I'm a little scared. There. I said it.  I wasn't going to do this but then I thought No, you have to write it. You are thinking it--write it, document it.

Okay, so I'm scared. What if I can't do it? I know, I know. I've worked really hard, I'm strong, if I can run 7-- I can run 13. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

But what if I can't?

Why is it so hard to set a goal? I'll tell you why. Because every time you do, it creates the possibility for failure. No one wants to fail. Failure is hard. It's embarrassing. It's humbling. It's painful. It can be debilitating. And every time we set a goal we create the possibility for failure.

So that's it. I was going to add the cliche ending that ties up all my thoughts into a happy little rainbow and puppy dog resolution. But I can't. Flat out--I'm afraid of failing and that's basically all I needed to say. That and I'm thinking about getting some SweetTarts for Sunday.

Git-R-Done

I'm in a place somewhere between Git-R-Done and Take Your Sweet Time with this whole weight loss thing. When I first began I was definitely in the Git-R-Done stage! I then went into a plateau stage where I wasn't giving it 100%, wasn't losing but I was still in the game. That lasted for a long time. I learned a lot through that. Right now I am still not giving it 100% but I'm not super stagnant with weight loss (that is probably due to my half marathon training).

When I say I'm not giving it 100% here's what I mean: I'm not working out everyday. I'm not tracking everything I put in my mouth. I'm eating sweets here and there. I enjoy a meal out several times a month. What I am not doing is binging every other day, ordering 2 meals instead of one when I eat out, etc. I have self-control (for the most part). In my mind, this is what life is supposed to be like. When you get to goal.

But I'm not at goal yet. Have I come a very long way? Yes, I have. Leaps and bounds. Am I finished? Not by any means. The past week or so, something has been building up inside of me. It is a strong desire to buckle down, re-focus and Git-R-Done.

At the same time, part of me fights against that desire. I have been hesitant to claim that "Git-R-Done" is the official mode I am shifting into because I don't want to create a huge mental fiasco for myself. I am very leery of extreme goal-setting and very sensitive to my personality that likes to dream big and follow-through tiny. Even so...

I know I could do it. I know what it takes to Git-R-Done. Knowing is not a problem. I will need to plan my meals every week in advance. I will need to stick to "choose often" foods. I will need to go to the grocery store every week. I will need to pass on all sweets and most out-of-house meals. I will need to do some activity EVERY single day. I will need to keep my house clean. I will need to get up at 5:30 every morning and have my quiet time with the Lord so that I can even attempt to do all of these things. These are the things that will Git-R-Done for me.

I have prayed about this. I really wanted to be able to say that God told me it was time to Git-R-Done. But He didn't. He's not too concerned with that. He's going to get done in me what He wants, when He wants. If I decide that it is time to Git-R-Done where my weight is concerned, that's going to be all me.

So I guess the question is, Am I ready? Am I ready to be done with this? Am I ready to finish with the fire that I began with...or am I content to let the pounds slowly melt away over the next few years? Either would be just fine. Honestly. But what do I want? This is my life, my story. I have a small part in writing it through the choices that I make each day. So what do I want to write? I'm ready to decide how this final chapter of my weight-loss story is going to play out...

I think I've made my decision. :-)

Now That's Progress!

Want to see some amazing progress? Go check out Kristi's latest post: 150+ lbs. GONE!!!

The Evil Egg, etc.

The Reese's egg. Why is it so much better than the regular ones? I think it's because there is a slight bit more peanut butter and no extra chocolate around the edge. I also think the lack of corrugated and sharp edges makes it better. Why have I thought about this enough to write a paragraph? I ate one. I confess. Who else fell victim?

This is my Easter dress. I bought it on Thursday at TJ Maxx. It's a size 10. I will never take for granted the simple pleasure of being able to walk into a store, pick out 20 dresses in a certain size and being able to fit into every single one. Life is so much easier that way. (And more enjoyable!)



You might have noticed--I got my hair chopped off! And yes, I do mean chopped. I didn't realize how long it was until she told me to look at the floor after the first snips. Whoa!! It was longer than my hair has ever been before. I do like it long but realized I had gotten to the point of putting it in a ponytail every day. It was too hard to dry, straighten and keep straight. Not to mention we are heading into another torturous Texas summer. This shoulder-length will be perfect.



These are just a couple of random pics. As you can see, the freckles are coming out!

Anyone who prays go ahead and put me on your list this week. I really need mental and physical strength heading into the big race this weekend! I can't believe it is time for my first half marathon! I know I'm ready. To be honest, I'm a bit shocked that I completed the entire 12 week training plan and didn't decide to quit at some point. I remember going back a forth quite a bit as I was trying to make the decision whether or not to do this and when I was finally ready to commit, this is what I said:

...the answer became perfectly clear to me. It really goes back to what my whole "journey" has been about from the very beginning. Doing the thing that is impossible for me to do. Doing the thing that, when completed, has no plausible explanation other than God.

When I cross the finish line on Sunday God will get His glory! Can't wait! Anybody else doing Heels and Hills?

Happy Easter!

From my other blog today.

Weigh In: down from last week.

I weighed 167 tonight. That is .8 lower that last week. But one week I weighed 164.6. I'm almost convinced the scale was messed up that night...but oh well.

I must confess I'm feeling a little blogger-blocked right now...

I seriously just thought of something! Ha! That's funny.

So, we finally decided where to go for our 10th wedding anniversary. December 15th...

We are going to New York City! We debated for a long time because I was really leaning toward somewhere tropical, but NYC is "our special place" and in the end, special trumps tropical.

I'm also thinking this could be a goal trip! That is about 8 months away so I think that means about 5 lbs per month. It's do-able, I'm just not sure if I'll "do" it or not. IF I sign up for another half marathon in October, which I am seriously considering, that would really help keep things moving. We'll see.

I'm not going to get too hung up on reaching the goal by December 15th, but I'm certainly dreaming about how much fun it would be to weigh 129 lbs. in New York City on my 10th wedding anniversary at Christmastime and celebrating the loss of 100 pounds to boot.

Pretty. Dang. Fun.

"No Fuzz" Tacos

There is this place called Fuzzy's Tacos. Oh. My. Goodness.

And when I say "goodness," I really mean goodness. The Fuzzy's taco is goodness. (For local readers, I have been served the best taco at the Rowlett location.)

This is the kind of thing that you eat for the first time and you are disturbed that you have been missing out your whole life. My husband and I both kind of died and went to heaven for a little bit when we had our first Fuzzy's a few months ago.

So the other day I was thinking...I ought to be able to re-create this taco. And I did.

No "Fuzz" Shredded Beef Tacos
2 lb. beef roast, any cut
2 package Old El Paso Taco Seasoning
2 cans fire roasted tomatoes, chopped

Dump everything in the crock pot for several hours (all day is best) on low. About an hour before serving, shred the meat using two forks. Let it cook like that until it's taco time!

The way Fuzzy's prepares the taco is with a yellow corn tortilla, a special garlic sauce (haven't figured it out yet but it's not that important), shredded lettuce, cheddar and feta cheese, and cilantro. At home, I left off the cheddar (feta is super low fat and cal and lots of flavor) and of course the cilantro. I bet some people would like to add lime. I would also add some salsa such as a fire-roasted tomato salsa or a Salsa Verde. Some guac would be nice if you want to get in your healthy oil for the day.

The "No Fuzz" Shredded Beef is very similar to this chicken version I came up with.

This is an excellent meal for a crowd! But, even if you don't have a crowd to feed you can use the left-over meat for quesadillas, on salads, in soups, casseroles, etc. for the rest of the week.

You're welcome.

9 Mile "Bounce Back"

The theme for our new session of First Place 4 Health is Stay on Track and Bounce Back. The goal is to always be doing one of those two things. I definitely had strayed "off track" over the past few weeks so it was time for me to bounce back. I had planned on running Thursday (the next day after my meeting)...but it didn't happen. I also planned on running Friday...but that didn't happen. Instead I ate cupcakes.

This morning I woke up and I said to myself, "Self--snap out of it!" This weekend was supposed to be my 9 mile training run. My first half marathon is two weeks away and I knew that if I skipped the 9 mile run it would put me in a very bad place mentally. So I hopped in the car and drove 4.5 miles away from my house to plant my mid-run water bottle. I prayed. Hard. I just told the Lord, as if he didn't know, that I really needed this run to be doable. Not easy or pain-free but doable. I really needed to be able to run the whole thing and I needed to be in a good mental state and I needed strength. I needed to be okay with discomfort. I knew that all of that could only come from Him.

Just before taking off, I decided to leave my Garmin at home. It has been helping me track calorie burn, heart rate and pace, but today I didn't need to be concerned with any of that. I just needed to run without any pressure or anything pulling from my mental strength, if that makes sense. I didn't want to be looking down at my wrist and thinking I'm too fast...I'm too slow...etc.

As I began running, I felt good. I knew it was going to be a "good" run. Maybe some of you know what I mean. The rhythm was there from the very beginning, my feet and legs felt light and my breathing was really controlled. I was doing the shuffle thing that the Olympic runner guy tells you to do.

Toward the very end, the last 3 or 4 miles, my knees started hurting really bad. But it was almost like I was able to detach that part of my body from the experience. I know that doesn't make sense....it was like I could feel my knees hurting but that wasn't having an impact on my running. It just hurt. Usually when it begins to hurt I start walking a lot and I can't think about anything else but the pain. Instead of that today I was thinking about my breathing. I would ask myself  "Are you still breathing?" The answer was always yes and so I continued on. If I was struggling at all with my breathing I would adjust my pace and stride and immediately I would be back in control. As long as that part of me was in control, I could deal with the knee. Don't get me wrong--it was a very painful run. But it was doable. Thank You. Lord!

 So there you go--my first "bounce back" experience of the new session! Hopefully I will spend more time on track than bouncing back...but either will do.

Pressing On

"Creak. Crack! Pop. Ouch! Ugh." This was the sound symphony that could be heard as I walked from my bed the bathroom this morning. The reason? I have not run since sometime last week. I think it was the time I ran EIGHT miles. Ugh.

Not that anyone wants to hear my excuses but...after I ran the eight miles I then worked outside our house doing landscaping (not just planting little flowers but digging up mammoth bushes kind-of landscaping), painting the exterior of our house and stuff like that for two whole days. Somewhere in the middle of that a kid got sick or something (its all a blur now) and our sleep pattern got flip flopped. Well, theirs did but mine didn't which= me no sleep for a couple days.

So all of that led me to the brink of exhaustion which I was extremely aware of. So I took a day off from running. Which was wise. But then another day off and another and another... Didn't I just write about this slippery slope? Anyway, I went an entire week without running. But I kept eating like I was burning nearly 1000 calories per day.

*sad face* :(

But-- I went to my meeting today. I weighed-in. I faced the music. I can't even remember what it said; I think I gained about 3 or 4 pounds. But that was that. I didn't dwell on it more than a few seconds. I got my pick-me-up from my sweet friends and here I am writing to you in an emotionally stable state. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. The past has no control over me. It can influence me and it can teach me but it CAN NOT control me.

Instead I will celebrate the fact that I am now so "in shape" that it hurts me to not workout instead of the other way around! 5 miles tomorrow, 13 miles on May 1!

How to "Not Quit"

In my last post I wrote something like: If you don't quit, you'll get there. It's really true. But the problem is that sometimes we are so used to quitting, we kind of don't know how to not quit. At least that's been my experience. So I thought I would explore the how-to a little bit. Here are 6 practical things we can start doing right now to quit quitting:

1. Get defensive. Most of us have been working at this for a while now. We need to defend our efforts! First of all, know that there is going to be some resistance! Second, identify your opposition. What is it for you-- Stress? Holidays? Busy Schedule? Travel? Illness? In some cases you can come up with a strategy to deal with such deterrents, such as special planning for holiday meals or researching restaurants ahead of time for travelling. In other cases we just need to learn ways of coping besides eating--activity to combat stress, prayer to deal with illness, etc. The biggest thing is to acknowledge the elephant in the room (or that will soon be in the room) and quit letting it make you quit.

2. Stay as far away from quitting as you can. If you know that one day of not working out will lead to 2 and then 3 and then 365--then don't not work out. Just do it when you say you are going to. If eating out at McDonald's one day is going to lead to eating at Taco Bell the next day and then Pizza Hut the next and so on and so forth then just maybe...don't go to McDonald's. Don't let yourself believe the lie that "this time will be different than all the rest." Drive-thru rarely ends well. Steer clear of quitting.

3. Do not be yoked with another quitter. Okay, this may seem a little harsh, but if you know your workout buddy likes to skip the gym 5 out of the 6 days you are planning to work out, that's probably not a wise choice for a workout buddy. You will be better off on your own. It is too easy to let someone else determine your choices. Pick your partners cautiously. Go partner-less if necessary.

4. Stand up for yourself. There are people who like to sabotage you--"Oh come on! You have been doing so good. Let's go get lunch today! You can save your home-packed meal for Monday." Yeah...thoooooose people. Tell 'em to back off. Seriously. You can do that, you know. You don't have to be mean or rude. Just let them know that you're serious about what you are doing and that you'd appreciate it if they would respect your goals--by not even asking you to go along. Squish the sabotagers. It will work.

5. Get bouncy. Get used to the idea that you are going to be one bouncy fool. Pretend you are on the trampoline of healthy living and every time you get knocked down--BOOM--You're back. You bounce back. Redefine yourself--you can do that, too, you know. Become the new, bouncier you. Make bouncing back your new habit. Don't even think about it--Should I get back on track today or.... YES! Yes, you should! Right now, right now, right now. Bounce.

And finally...

6. Table-swipe it. Something I like to do a lot these days is take stuff off the table. For instance, the other day I told everyone to take perfect off the table. Hopefully some people did that. Today I'm telling everyone to take quitting off the table. Just take your whole arm (like they do in the movies) and swipe quitting off the table along with the carton of ice cream, chips and Coke you may possibly have sitting there. If quitting isn't an option then you can't very well do it, can you?

If you just don't quit,  you will get there. It's worth repeating. Over and over and over and over....