April 27, 2011

Swimming

Thanks to all for your supportive comments on my last post. It's okay. I was/am just having a slight melt down. No biggie. I've had them before and I'm sure I'll have them again. It's always a very vulnerable position to put feelings out there but until I started typing up the post, I had no idea I was holding all that in. Now I have been thinking about it for an entire day. Still not feeling too great, to be honest, but I know I am right where I should be, mentally and emotionally. I know, that probably doesn't make sense.

I loved what Tiff had to say: You being afraid doesn't mean anything other than that you are experiencing an EMOTION tied to the fact that you are getting ready to DO something GREAT. She's exactly right. I am experiencing an emotion. I have learned that emotions are not bad. They are neutral and they are a gift from God to help us realize what is valuable to us. This endeavor (the half training) has been a very big deal for me. It represents way more than just jogging a few miles. It represents the transformation of a LIFE. Mine. And so the big emotional bubble that I'm in really makes sense. This is important to me.

The bad news is that for about 3 or 4 days I have been dealing with the emotion in a very unfortunate way. By eating and trying to retreat from life. See, this kind of thing always happens just when I start to (falsely) think "I'm cured." Ha! I realize that I am still prone to turn to food when the first twinge of uncomfortable emotion strikes. Sigh. I'm about to weigh-in in just a couple hours. Not. looking. forward. to it.

But the buck stops here. The Lord just reminded me of something I decided at the beginning of this new way of life. I decided that I wanted to feel everything the Lord had planned for me to feel. That I want to experience the breath and depth of emotion that He has created within me. I definitely don't want to cheapen that experience with chips and cookies and brownies. And Reese's eggs. A-hem. So I remember that now. And I also realize that by suppressing the emotions I am experiencing now, I am consequently suppressing the breadth and depth of emotion that I want to experience on Sunday. We have to accept the not-so-fun along with the SO-fun.

A while back someone asked me what I do when I realize I'm in a sticky situation. How do I keep it from escalating? Well, today I found myself in a very sticky, icky situation. What I've decided to do is walk away from the food and INTO the emotion--the fullness of emotion. Just like I'm swimming in it, letting it completely wash over me. I am trying hard to remember that my emotions can not hurt me. They can not control me--unless I let them.

...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.  John 10:10


For so long I've thought that the abundant life had only to do with being really "happy". That is such a finite view. Of course. My understanding is finite. I have no idea the abundance God wishes to lavish upon me. I certainly don't. But if I put down the brownies long enough, maybe He will show me.
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5 comments:

Heather said...

I am glad to know that I am not the only one that has to deal with the struggles of emotional eating.......You have shown me that it is ok to fall down as long as you get back up again! I will be thinking about you this evening while your weighing in.....I am attending spin class this evening at 5:30.....prayers would be great :)When I went last Wednesday I looked around and noticed that I was the fatest one there and though "oh man, I am never gonna be able to do this" but with God's help I made it through!! :)

Deb Willbefree said...

Brave post, girlfriend. Very brave.

And, you know, EVERY TIME i write a post that even hints that I have come close to normalcy with food or am follwoing my food plan with relative ease, I crash and burn. It's like I click "publish" and then click "self-destruct" immediately afterwards.

I have no idea how/why that happens, but it has happened so often that it is not a coincidence. I mean, really, can't a girl enjoy the moment? sheesh.

Do let yourself enjoy the race. And thanks for this post. It felt like taking a deep breath and relaxing.

Deb

Nik the Food Addict said...

Hi Keelie,
I've been reading your blog. You started where I am right now 229lbs. Ewww..LoL I'm on my way down, slowly but surely. You are one of my mini hero's. I know if you can do it, so can I. You're awesome !
Luv, Nik

Ginny said...

Hello Keelie
I have just found your blog - love it, you look great, and are an inspiration, to me. I have arhh 100pounds to loose at least.
I am now in my second week two pounds gone! Well done on your weight loss.

Lesley @ racingitoff.com said...

Shout-out for you on my blog!!!