Thanks to all for your supportive comments on my last post. It's okay. I was/am just having a slight melt down. No biggie. I've had them before and I'm sure I'll have them again. It's always a very vulnerable position to put feelings out there but until I started typing up the post, I had no idea I was holding all that in. Now I have been thinking about it for an entire day. Still not feeling too great, to be honest, but I know I am right where I should be, mentally and emotionally. I know, that probably doesn't make sense.
I loved what Tiff had to say: You being afraid doesn't mean anything other than that you are experiencing an EMOTION tied to the fact that you are getting ready to DO something GREAT. She's exactly right. I am experiencing an emotion. I have learned that emotions are not bad. They are neutral and they are a gift from God to help us realize what is valuable to us. This endeavor (the half training) has been a very big deal for me. It represents way more than just jogging a few miles. It represents the transformation of a LIFE. Mine. And so the big emotional bubble that I'm in really makes sense. This is important to me.
The bad news is that for about 3 or 4 days I have been dealing with the emotion in a very unfortunate way. By eating and trying to retreat from life. See, this kind of thing always happens just when I start to (falsely) think "I'm cured." Ha! I realize that I am still prone to turn to food when the first twinge of uncomfortable emotion strikes. Sigh. I'm about to weigh-in in just a couple hours. Not. looking. forward. to it.
But the buck stops here. The Lord just reminded me of something I decided at the beginning of this new way of life. I decided that I wanted to feel everything the Lord had planned for me to feel. That I want to experience the breath and depth of emotion that He has created within me. I definitely don't want to cheapen that experience with chips and cookies and brownies. And Reese's eggs. A-hem. So I remember that now. And I also realize that by suppressing the emotions I am experiencing now, I am consequently suppressing the breadth and depth of emotion that I want to experience on Sunday. We have to accept the not-so-fun along with the SO-fun.
A while back someone asked me what I do when I realize I'm in a sticky situation. How do I keep it from escalating? Well, today I found myself in a very sticky, icky situation. What I've decided to do is walk away from the food and INTO the emotion--the fullness of emotion. Just like I'm swimming in it, letting it completely wash over me. I am trying hard to remember that my emotions can not hurt me. They can not control me--unless I let them.
...I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10
For so long I've thought that the abundant life had only to do with being really "happy". That is such a finite view. Of course. My understanding is finite. I have no idea the abundance God wishes to lavish upon me. I certainly don't. But if I put down the brownies long enough, maybe He will show me.