See, when I was a teenager, I wasn't really athletic. But I lived in a very "athletic" town. Like, if you wanted to be somebody then you needed to be athletic. (If only I knew then what I know now! ) So I did sports. I played basketball. Oh wait, I mean I sat on the bench and got yelled at in practices for running into people because I didn't know what the heck I was doing. And I ran wind sprints for leaving my clothes and text books in the locker room. I played basketball, but I never actually played basketball.
Anyway, if you wanted to play basketball you also had to run track. Well, I was slow. And I didn't really know about working hard so I was slow with no potential to get faster. I was a "shot and disk girl." I threw the discus and shot put at our weekly track meets. But I also was entered, against my will, in the 800 m dash at our weekly track meets. That's 2 laps around the track.
(I have already had to stop myself twice from using inappropriate language. And I don't use inappropriate language. This is really stirring up some emotions...)
Have I mentioned that I am an anxious person? Yeah, always have been. This 800 m contest did not help. I would lay awake nights before a track meet literally sick because of my nerves. I would picture myself coming in dead last, sucking wind and then puking everywhere. I would devise plans like eating Sweet Tarts just before I took off so it would make me more relaxed. Emotional eating at its most bizarre...
On Sunday I am going to run the equivalent of more than 50 laps around a track. HOLY COW! I'm a little scared. There. I said it. I wasn't going to do this but then I thought No, you have to write it. You are thinking it--write it, document it.
Okay, so I'm scared. What if I can't do it? I know, I know. I've worked really hard, I'm strong, if I can run 7-- I can run 13. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.
But what if I can't?
Why is it so hard to set a goal? I'll tell you why. Because every time you do, it creates the possibility for failure. No one wants to fail. Failure is hard. It's embarrassing. It's humbling. It's painful. It can be debilitating. And every time we set a goal we create the possibility for failure.
So that's it. I was going to add the cliche ending that ties up all my thoughts into a happy little rainbow and puppy dog resolution. But I can't. Flat out--I'm afraid of failing and that's basically all I needed to say. That and I'm thinking about getting some SweetTarts for Sunday.