January 12, 2013


It's been a rough week. I'm reminded that just because I have decided to make changes, and have said I am going to make changes and I have even made PLANS to make changes...all that doesn't necessarily mean changes are going to happen. Doing hard stuff is hard. I guess I was kinda hoping since I've been through all of this once before it would be easier this time. No such luck.

It took me a really long time to get to a place where healthy living was the norm. It didn't happen overnight. I am being constantly reminded of that along with the fact that I'm back to square one. It's almost painful. No, actually it is painful. I hope that I will never forget the way I feel right now and that feeling will keep me from straying away from healthy habits. Even a little bit. How exactly am I feeling? I am frustrated, and somewhat angry. A little bit lost. I was feeling sorry for myself but now I have moved out of that and into fight mode. That's a good thing.

Just a few minutes ago I came face to face with a ginormous pack of Cheez Its (not on my eating plan). You couldn't find a more tempting food for me to want to OD on. I ate two and then I glared at the sack. I was infuriated. It was almost as if I was looking at Satan himself. (I know that is dramatic.) I thought about throwing them away. Instead I folded the sack over a couple of times and placed it back on the table. Then I started muttering to myself, between clinched teeth, something like "No! I'm not doing this. I'm ready to fight. I'm not falling for this..." My kids just looked at me like I was a weirdo. Which I am. I think this was the defining moment of my week. I remembered that doing this requires fighting. It's also a process of learning when and how to be still. My prayer is for God to hold me up safely in the tension of those two things. He alone can do that.

Last week I came up with a plan that included several new recipes and different meals everyday. That was not a good route for me. Several of the recipes were not my favorite and that just led to feeling deprived. Feeling deprived + feeling sorry for myself = binge. One night I ended up in an ugly crunchy carb fiasco. I did not post a tracker that day. Disdain toward tracking and sharing what is going on in my head is never a good sign for me. But like I said, I am now in fight mode...

I have a new plan for the upcoming week. Goal is to basically eat the same meals everyday. There is room for some variation especially at dinner, but for the most part I want to keep a tight ship. The idea is for me to not have to think about food every waking moment and hopefully shift focus to other important matters such as exercise. I feel like this is a pretty good tracker as far as quality of food. The quantity is appropriate considering my activity has been hit or miss. Hoping to get that regulated soon and when I do I may add more calories.

That's all for now.



Molly said...

Keelie - you can do this. I know EXACTLY how you feel. This is such a mental journey, one of constant adjustment and learning. Can I ask you something about your breakfast? Are you making a smoothy? Have you ever added protein powder to your smoothies? It keeps me full longer.

I'm glad you're sharing your struggles with us. It helps us to know that we aren't alone and there are others who have the same struggles. Thanks for coming back!

jesseybell said...

I am all for eating the same thing breakfast through afternoon snack. Unfortunately for me, I regained all my weight from 6 pm - 7pm (literally, eating way too much and way too crappy for dinner and eating before before) as well as on the weekends (we sold 1 house and bought another, so there were a lot of meals out). Keeping the tight ship really does help, especially in the beginning when you want the motivating losses.

Virginia said...

Oh it is a hard path, saying and doing are often not the same thing, but you can get there, it is a change in mindset that you need. I find myself facing a similar challenge but years apart from when I was last 'happy' with the way I looked and I can honestly say it is harder - why? Because I feel the mindset is to do with how we cope with these changes, we know we can do it, why? because we've done it before and then that leads us to a negative thought process and the downward spiral. But believe in you and the good choices - you can do this - you know you can! And I agree completely that having meals that we enjoy is the key! Sending you positives this week that you can achieve your goals!


AJ @ trulylifeinwords - said...

Don't give up trying new recipes, give up doing it all in one week!

And thank you, your post a long time ago about cheezits made me realize my own problem with them. I didn't know before you brought it up, for that I am thankful! With a daughter, they are a staple around here. Now if I do plan it into my day, my hand is not allowed in the box, I put less than a serving in a bowl for me. But it has to be part of the plan!