What a loaded question! The obvious answer is that I eat too much food. I am a compulsive over-eater. I actually worship food. (Hard to think of that way but it's true) Food is the thing I turn to when I am...anything. Emotions play a part, messed-up mentality plays a part and lack of self-discipline plays a part. The REAL reason I am overweight is that I have a worship disorder. I put food in the place of God. As the popular book title suggests, I have been made to crave. But nothing in this world can satisfy the craving that I have. Not money, not beauty, not love and certainly not food. For some reason, all to often, I believe the lie that food can.
Why do you want to lose weight?
So I can sleep better, so I can tie my shoes without grunting, so I can feel confident, so I look "normal", so I will have more energy, because it gives me a sense of accomplishment, it makes me feel alive and like the "real me," for my family, so that I can serve the Lord and others with all that I am meant to be, so getting dressed to go somewhere isn't dreadful. I want my body to look and function as the Lord intended it to.
Losing weight is actually only a bi-product of the thing that I really want which is sobriety. For me that means, at first, yielding to self-control by God's grace. What I want most, eventually, is to get to a place of self-control that is not so hard-fought. Self-control that feels almost natural. I know what that feels like and it is so good. It hasn't always, but at this point sobriety means even more to me than losing weight. Redemption from this addiction just happens to mean weight loss.
Why have you regained weight lost?
Because I'm a rebel, I'm selfish and I just plain quit. I turned away from a perfectly wonderful way of life because I thought I could come up with a better plan. I had grown weary. I wanted a break. I wanted to be free.
What I didn't realize or perhaps forgot is that I was free.
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6 comments:
It sounds like me. I totally feel like an addict when it comes to food.
And its a constant struggle because you can't AVOID food. You have to literally retrain your brain. Im glad I found your blog, and facebook page :)
I could have written this. I feel so unworthy to worship God in the body that I've abused..oh, I know He doesn't feel that way about me and I know the devil plants that thought...but, still, they are there and I want to show that ole devil that he is wrong!!!
Woah - great questions Keelie! Certainly something to think about... I totally feel the "losing self control" thing.
Just found your blog; do you have a collection of self reflective questions? I feel the more I understand myself, perhaps the more I will understand how to be healthy.
Best & Happy New Year.
Ms. Work It
This, out of all the great thoughts you wrote, this is the one that made me stop and nod: "because I thought I could come up with a better plan."
My latest post happens to address what underlies that atitude, so that may be why it struck me.
Uh-hmm. Well, that, and it's my biggest problem. I operate under the faulty assumption that if I just think hard enough, I'll figure out a better way to fix whatever happens to be broken.
I'm working on that. :} I'm reading a book on humility for starters.
Deb
P.S. Did you mean to keep that hideous "prove you'rre not a robot" thing?
re
Crikey another tough and thought provoking post, but I like the fact you are challenging yourself to consider where you are and where you have been. I don't believe that food is the problem for me but a bi-product of my mental well being. It is too easy to turn to and we all enjoy the food high, but it doesn't last other than gathering on the old hips, I too want to be able to tie my laces with ease and be able to run upstairs and buy normal clothes (whatever they are), from a normal shop. I'm getting there but it's slow, I'm going for it properly from the 6 January, the idea of the Epiphany being my start date kind of rang true!
Good post, Keelie!
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