So I tried to pin point the one thing that all of my previous failed attempts at weight loss had in common--the goal being to avoid whatever that might be, this time. After much contemplation I arrived at this very simple truth: I am a quitter.
Ouch. That hurt. Because I really wanted the reason I couldn't lose weight to be the fault of someone or something else. I would have liked it to be due to genetics, or a chemical imbalance. I would have liked to place the blame and responsibility anywhere else besides right where it landed--in my lap.
I won't even take credit for the ability I was given to face and accept this truth. I know that God was all over it. But facing the truth--that I was a quitter--was the turning point. The neat thing is, once you are honest with yourself and God about something of this magnitude, then He has something to work with. He helped me realize that if I would just keep going, no matter what, then we could really do this.
Today I consider myself a woman of perseverance. Although I started this blog in January, I began my weight loss journey in October of last year. I think 12 months of consistently moving in the right direction earns me the right to say: "I have persevered!" When the scale isn't moving, I still am. When stress comes along, food remains "just food." When running begins to seem difficult, I keep running.
God has revealed to me what this really means:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.
For the first time in my life, I get that. When the pain or difficult situation comes, I feel a strange sense of excitement. Understand, I'm not necessarily throwing a party to celebrate or laughing about it. I still get upset and sad and mad. But in these moments I am allowing my fears, my pain, my anger and any other emotion I feel to be tempered by the anticipation of seeing and knowing what God is working out in me. I don't want to pass up anything that He wants to give me.
Looking back over my last 30 years, I can't tell you how many times I literally CRIED out to God to make me thin. He never did. I might have gotten bitter about it. Might have ;) But let me tell you, from where I stand now, there is no way that I would ever trade 30 years of worldly beauty for this one year of His glorious revelation in my life. I kept asking for God to make me skinny, but the plans He had for me were so far deeper and more precious that my wimpy request. Only my God can take a quitter and make make her a woman of perseverance.
I could tell you about all the in between stuff. The little things I have done and haven't done, the foods I have eaten and haven't eaten, and so on... But we really know those aren't the things that matter. Not really.
What matters is that you keep going. That may not be what you want to hear ( I know I never did!) because "keeping on going" isn't easy and we want stuff to be easy. I am truly sorry. This isn't easy. But I would stake my life on the claim that it is worth it.