At some point, I made it my chief goal in life to fix you. I've always been good at recognizing just what needs to be fixed in someone else's life (like yours). Family, friend, acquaintance, fellow blogger, the person who slaps their kid in Wal-Mart, the cashier who is rude (and seems to be on something), the person who doesn't believe in Jesus, the ungrateful, disrespectful student, the lady who wears her skirt too short, the obese person who is alone and eating a super sized combo in the food court, the person who has hurt me so deeply that the wound will not heal. All of you and more--I want to fix you. There is something wrong with you and I want to be the one who has the answer you need to be fixed. I will talk and type and think for hours...about what needs to be done to get you fixed. I will suggest, I will prod, I will remind, I will shake my head in disgust. Why can't I fix you?
Why can't I make you the way I think you should be? Why won't you listen to me? Why won't you do the right thing? Why won't you at least try to change? Why won't you make an effort? Why won't you grow up? Why won't you just get over it? Why won't you admit that you are wrong? Why won't you just get fixed so that I won't have to be bothered by your problems, imperfections and weaknesses? Why won't you get fixed so I can feel good about fixing you?
I am so tired of this. My chief purpose in life, to fix people, is hopeless. I give up. I quit focusing on everyone else and their issues and faults but what I am left with are my own. Oh yeah. I need to be fixed, too. I am broken just like everyone else in the world and I need to be fixed. It makes sense now. If I need to be fixed I can't possibly fix anyone else. That's the problem. I must fix myself so I can get to the hard work of fixing everyone else. Yeah! I need to work hard to get fixed. I need to get fixed fast because there are so many people who need me to fix them.
Mission: Fix self. There is something wrong with me and I want to be the one who has the answer I need to be fixed. I talk and type and think for hours...about what needs to be done to get me fixed. I suggest, I prod, I remind, but in the end I shake my head in disgust. Why can't I fix me?
What is wrong with me? Why can a dang french fry bring me to the brink of insanity? Why do I yell at my kids for laughing and running joyfully around the house? Why do I sit and think about something that needs to be done for 3 times as long as it would have taken me to just do it? Why have I hurt people so badly that their wounds are still gaping? Why do I still think that somehow physical beauty is going to help me? Why do I fall into the same destructive patterns over and over and over again? Why do see the worst things in others? Why do I see the worst things in myself? Why do I try and try and try but nothing changes? What is wrong with me? Why can't I just get fixed so that I won't have to be bothered by my problems, imperfections and weaknesses? Why can't I just get fixed so I can feel good about fixing myself? Why can't I fix myself so I can get on with my life?
I need to be fixed. But I can't fix me. You need to be fixed but I can't fix you either. Ever. I think I get that and now...I must learn to stop trying. I need to truly grasp that "being fixed" is not a prerequisite to living.
I believe there is a prerequisite for living, though. It's Love. I will choose to love and receive love. No judgement, no analysis, no expectations. Just love. I will love myself and others because I know that He loved us first, even though He knew we would need to be fixed.
Love is what binds us together and we need to be bound. We need one another. Loving one another is the closest to fixed we will ever be here on earth.
1 Corinthians 13
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
We will be fixed one day, when we see him, the Ultimate Fixer, face to face. This is our hope, this is our faith. I'm so sorry I tried to fix you when I could have been loving you. Because loving is the most important thing--the only thing--that will matter for eternity.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
So sincerely it hurts,