For one thing...
I am afraid what I am sharing might be incorrect. Fear of being wrong, basically. I think it could be. The road of my weight loss has led me toward Jesus. Much of my thought processes, if not all, involve some type of theological assessment. Where is God in all of this....what does the Bible say...etc. So just about anything I am going write is going to involve these kinds of answers. Early on when this began to happen I was afraid people would quit reading because it was about God and Jesus. I worked through that and realized that I am not ashamed of the Gospel and in order to keep it real, that is just the way it would have to be, no matter what. Now I don't even think about offending in that way, but actually being a false teacher and leading someone astray. I know, and I know that everyone reading must know, that I am not a Bible scholar make lots of mistakes and there is grace for that. But what if the one time someone stopped by to read was the day I wrote about something I didn't really know about and was completely wrong about. Ah well, I guess that's already happened plenty.
And another thing...
I think about comments too much. Like right now I am predicting what comments will be left on this post and worried that people will not get what I am saying. I am resisting the urge to close out this post and climb in to bed so I don't have to deal with that. Now I am afraid that people will read what I just typed and not comment because of how weird I am being about it. And I certainly don't want that. I love comments! ( Okay--now everyone is getting a taste of how ridiculous I am)
Huge problem...
Sometimes I think what I am writing is redundant and pointless. (ha--especially after the previous paragraph.) For instance, I have the strong urge today to write a post about gaining 20 pounds from my lowest weight and then challenging anyone else in the same boat to join me in a "getting back on track challenge." Like if I put it in a neat little package it will ensure success. I want to come up with a fail-proof plan. But what if I fail with the failproof plan? And its on this blog for friends and family and complete strangers to see...and then I fail? And I almost always don't complete these challenges. Needless to say, I've decided to forgo a challenge for now, but then what do I write about? "Well, I'm just struggling. I'm just a mess. I'm feeling so blah. I'm eating so bad. Wah." Yeah...just can't bring myself to write posts like that, even when that is my reality. Perhaps that is exactly what I should be writing.
Wait.
Maybe it's not as fun to write on your weight loss blog when you are gaining weight. Maybe? Hmm...
Also...
The state of mind I am in one day is the exact opposite the next. Sometimes it changes minute to minute. On the one hand weight loss seems so trivial to me today. I know people who are suffering, children who are dying, families who are mourning loss of loved ones...and I'm going to sit down and blog about how many calories I ate today? It just doesn't make sense. But at the same time, I'm sinking. Without the structure, the accountability, the community...all of it--I am sinking. I'm gaining. I'm fearful. I'm anxious. I'm not free.
What has happened!?
I started out 2 years ago wanting to be skinny. Then I learned that I should want to be healthy, not just skinny. Then I learned that I should want to be healthy to honor God with my body, not to be skinny. Then I began to want to honor God with my body, but I also still wanted to be skinny. Now I just want to honor God with my body and I don't care nearly as much if I'm skinny. So this is a huge shift that has taken place over the course of 2 years and I just don't really know how blogging fits into the new picture. Because in the beginning it was about being cutesy and it just gradually got more and more and more about being "real". Lately there hasn't been a lot of cute. But there hasn't been much "real" either.
Should I continue with this blog?
I have been reading the online journal of someone lately that has had a huge impact on me. She would have no idea the way that it has blessed me and I know that it must be a huge sacrifice for her every time she posts, considering her circumstances. For that sacrifice, I am so very thankful. And she has no idea. I just keep thinking that even though I don't know why I should write about this anymore or how it could possibly be beneficial, it feels like I should. Even though I don't know what He has in store, I know God is not through with me yet. The work that He does is always amazing. Right now I just feel like a big bum, but this is SO not about me.
That's it. I knew I would get to the bottom of this if I just started writing. I've allowed myself get in the way. My insecurities, my doubts, my fears, my laziness, my inadequacies, my imperfection....all of that is the cause for my writers block. If this was about me, then it woudl be pointless. But it's not about me. At least, I don't want it to be.
So now, I guess I just pray that he will move me out of the way.
I'm really tired and in an attempt to not over think things and in an effort to make sure this post actually gets posted, I'm just going to hit publish with out proofing. Please forgive the mistakes and non-sense.
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12 comments:
Minus the Jesus part and I identify with much of what you have written. I love comments too! LOL I used to feel like people were not reading unless I had comments but I have realized there are a lot of people that just don't comment for whatever reason... Heck I don't comment on every blog I read but I still read every post.
Good luck on whatever you decide!
Blogging is easy or hard depending on its original purpose. For me, it was truly an online journal that if anyone happened to pay attention, so be it, if not that'd be okay too. However, I did develop a following and suddenly I was blogging for the audience instead of me. I took a long step away from it. Now, I'm back for me and the original purpose to journal.
You have to ask yourself the true "why" behind your blogging and then it may become more clear why it is so difficult.
I share some of the same roadblock that you do...the concern of what others think of me. I'm trying to put that into the background and trust that as long as I'm the best that I can be for myself and that means being true to me, that anyone who bothers to follow my blog will respect what I'm trying to do for myself.
Your faith in g-d and faith in yourself only has to appeal to you...others with faith will stay...and others may wade through it for the other messages.
Sorry for the long comment, but in the end, you know that the only thing that matters is your relationship with yourself and your god...and what you do with it.
Keelie--what wonderful post! I am certain God has directed you to write you thoughts out like in order for you to "hear" what He is speaking to your Spirit. Before you decide to continue or quit blogging, consider this: At this stagnant, stall in my life, is there something that God has asked me to do that He is waiting on me to complete? The Children of Israel were stagnant and just camped around Mt Horab waiting....waiting. The Lord told them they were in a rut and to get up, step out, and move on! Look where it got them and the reward they received by honoring God!
God is there! Seek His face! He will reveal and remind -- that's a promise!
Blessings, my Friend!--Cheri
(PS: I am taking a real step of faith here. Please let me know if I have offended or over step the boundaries)
Hey Keelie!!! I love reading you're blog! Please don't stop! The reason I love it is because you are REAL! You tell it like it is and even though you mentioned that you are fearful, you are bold in your faith and take a stand for OUR God! You give Him full credit for all your accomplishments even if you wish it could be more...
Even though I have known you for years, I feel like I didn't really get to know you until I started following your blog. Treat your blog as part of your ministry and the words will come!=)
Sarah
Keelie,
I know you don't know me & I don't comment much, but I just wanted to say that I <3 your blog! Please keep posting. Please be honest. Please empty your heart out on the page each time & don't worry about how it sounds, if it comes across right or whether it's perfect. It inspires me & encourages me every time I read it.
Praying for you ...and trusting God will give you every word to write for yourself and those who this blog ministers to regularly. I've been wading through some of these same issues lately. Nice to know I'm not the only one! Love ya!
I know how you feel. It bothers me if I lose a follower. It bothers me if so one is commenting. It bothers me if I think I have angered someone. I do have loyal followers who always comment. I also think of my own behavior - I don't always comment and I stop following others. I have to ask myself if I am blogging for my self-esteem or to work through my challenges as I help others to do the same. We want everyone to like us. It isn't realistic. We have to develop a little bit of a tough skin to do this.
I love your REAL posts. In fact, when I reached my weight loss goal, I unsubscribed to all the weight loss blogs I was reading, except yours and 2 others. WHY? Because you are REAL. You talk about the underlying issues of weight loss, the mental struggles, the setbacks, etc. and not just the perfect results if you eat healthy and exercise. I think everyone already knows the formula is simple...but it isn't easy. Oh, and when you take the topic of weight loss and remind me of the scripture and how God moves in your life...this is WHY I read EVERY blog update.
Please don't stop writing for YOU.
I can get sucked down this path and just remind myself if it is in my heart---it can not be wrong.
xo
Based on my weight loss...you are following my path. I lost, then gained...2 years later I lost, kept it off. Then 2 years later, I lost and kept it off. 60, +15, 20, 10 goal! Keep going on the front.
As for blogging, I recently wanted to quit what I was doing. Only after asking finally for prayer (major henderance for me), I realized that my quitting would have caused fallout. Several others would have quit as well. And that didn't include those I was personally involved in. They would have no longer have me, after all the time we put in. I realized that although I didn't think I was making much impact, I was part of the whole that God was using and it wasn't my option to quit.
Read your tag line before blogging to put your focus where it should be. Yes, there's worse things going on in the world, but we're to conquer our sin as well as help those in need.
Have you thought about having a spiritual mentor to scan your post Biblically to vet sound doctrine?
Keelie,
Your blog is the only blog I read on a freguent basis. I love how you are so open so real and so in love with God. Your blog has motivated me and so far I am down 21 pds. I was afraid to start my weight loss journey because I was afraid to fail until I started reading your blog. It gave me hope and then when you started talking about God it just made your blog go to a five star blog. I just love everything you say and feel like it comes from the heart. There are a lot of things going on in this world but as Jesus said in The book of John "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33. This is a scripture I hold so close to my heart. We all face our own trails as I am sure you know. I guess what I am trying to say is keep blogging as you never know who may be reading :) You are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings Denise
I read this and clicked over to comment ready to encourage. After reading everyone else's comments I don't know what else to add. The love, encouragement, and support left by everyone says it all. We enjoy you for being you. It's the realness in this journey that draws us back and lets us know we aren't the only ones who struggle.
My blog(s) have also been neglected. As far as my weight loss blog I wonder how to even accurately try to express in words all that God has done. I don't even know where to start. Even my family/life blog has been lacking. Like so many others said, I started worrying/ thinking about what others would think of the post and what comments they would leave instead of just writing from my heart...which was my original purpose.
I know we have not met in real life, but I am so grateful to have met you here. I think you're pretty awesome! It is your realness that makes me want to keep reading and get to know you better!
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