Today is a beautiful day. I ate oatmeal for breakfast with chopped Gala apple, apple butter and Natural peanut butter. I had coffee with skim milk. No, it wasn't quite the same as the cup I had two nights ago with the heavy cream, but it was strong and it gave me some energy. I went for a walk. Only about 3/4 a mile until I stepped into ankle deep water. Thankfully my Johnny-on-the-spot was there to pick me up within minutes. Although it is slight and only through one nostril, I am breathing. I can feel a new song being written in my heart.
I have been contemplating the comments that have been trickling in since I posted last night about how difficult is is to blog these days. Thank you. So many wonderful, thoughtful, insightful comments to uplift and inspire me. And many things for me to ponder.
"Blogging is easy or hard depending on its original purpose." Kyle's observation led me to recall why I began blogging about my weight loss, in the first place. I think there were 2 main reasons: 1)accountability 2) I love to write. Much like Kyle, I just wanted a place to journal through the process. Honestly, I didn't think it would last that long so I certainly wasn't anticipating any sort of following. It seems like I was learning so much, so rapidly in those early days. I was posting about everything I was finding out about my mentality, how emotions play into this whole thing and the ultimate high was having a huge loss to talk about every week. It was exhilarating. Like a drug. In hind sight, probably not so good. But over time, it's just not like that anymore. I can see how God has been chiseling, molding and reshaping me. So the question is, what is my purpose for this blog now? I think they are the same but with an addition of a 3rd reason--to bring glory to God. Now that I've identified that as being the only change in purpose, it is easy for me to identify the source of my confusion, frustration and lack of peace where the blog is concerned--satan.
Cheri challenged me to consider if there is something God has asked me to do that he is waiting on me to complete, for this could be holding me up. I think the answer is most certainly "yes." He has asked me to persevere no matter what my mind, body or emotions are telling me. And much like the Israelites I have been camped out at the Mt. of "I can't see where this is headed so I'm gonna stop." The calling of God is pretty simple for me at this point. Step. I am reading The Cost of Discipleship by Bonhoeffer and these words have been haunting me for several days: "Perhaps you still think you ought to think out beforehand and know what you ought to do. To that there is only one answer. You can only know and think about it by actually doing it. You can only learn what obedience is by obeying. It is no use asking questions; for it is only through obedience that you come to learn the truth." Along the same lines, a post I read last night encouraged me so much with this: "If you haven't taken your first step, take it." I love how God can weave all of this together.
I was reminded by one of the comments that I am more "me" in this medium that anywhere--even than I am with myself in my own head. There is something about it that allows me to peel and peel and peel away layers and just when I think I've gone all the way to the core--there is still more to peel. That's when the REAL happens. And the writing is what does the peeling. So just as others feel they know me more through this blog, I would say I know myself so much more because of it, as well.
Several comments made me realize that I am focused on the wrong audience. While I must keep in mind that people are reading this--after all, it is a WEB log and if I didn't want the element of readership I would just keep a private journal-- however, ultimately the audience of One I answer to is God. He always knows my heart and I trust that he will do with my words as He wishes. I trust that he is bigger than any mistake I have ever or could ever dream of making. Keeping that in mind should help avoid much of the reader-related anxiety :-) I did love the suggestion to have a spiritual mentor look over any posts that I am concerned about. Thanks, AJ T. Will do.
I just read a comment from Stacey who mentioned that as far as weight loss goes, she didn't know how she could accurately express in words all that God has done. A light bulb went off when I read that. I have mentioned several times on this blog that I struggle with perfectionism. Maybe not in the way that most people would identify perfectionism, but in terms of needing things to be "all or nothing." I agree with Stacey that God has done so much in my mind and heart that there is no way I could adequately express that in words, even if I spent the rest of my life trying. Particularly in the past few months He has done a great deal of work in me. I am so overwhelmed with His mercy and grace in my life. What if I can't get it all out? What if I can't make the world see what He has done?
But just as it is with weight loss, it can never be all or nothing. It will never be. I can never think that all of this rides on me and my ability to do it completely, perfectly. I can never think that--because it is not possible. And I can never think it is my job or ability to completely convey the greatness and vastness of God Almighty. That is the job of Christ alone.
So, in Him I will live, move, and breathe. And blog.