June 24, 2010

Comfort or Truth

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth--only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair.

The moment these words left the pages of the C.S.Lewis classic Mere Christianity and permeated my mind, I knew they were going to be very meaningful in my life. I wasn't exactly sure how. I wasn't exactly sure what those words meant even. But I knew they were special and I have kept them close.

Today as I struggled with urges that I haven't felt in quite some time (the urge to binge) those words from C.S. Lewis came to me...

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth--only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair.

Right now I am looking for comfort. What are the things that bring me comfort? What are the things that bring you comfort? Food? Food comforts me. When the first twinge of anxiety or fear sets in, food is there. So is TV. So is shopping. But I'm on a spending freeze :) and I couldn't watch TV today, so food it was.

That Mr. Lewis is right. When we are looking for comfort, we will not find it. The Truth is what I long for...so why do I want to settle for only seeking comfort when despair is sure to follow?

I have been afraid of grief and suffering my entire life. I have tried to avoid and dilute pain and even the fear of pain, namely by eating. My simple, human mind wants to be comfortable. But my search for comfort has lead me away from the Truth. The truth is--that to fully experience life and living the way God intends, comfort has to take a back seat.

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth--only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair.

I recently heard someone say something very simple but it hit me in possibly the most profound way anything ever has. She said that she wants to FEEL her whole life.

I am so afraid of feeling anything that is not comfortable to my heart. There is a breadth and depth of emotions that terrifies me. But what the Lord is showing me is that this is where truth is found. This is where my Deliverer saves and reigns and heals and ultimately COMFORTS me.

In the depths. That is where true comfort is found.

If you look for truth, you may find comfort in the end: if you look for comfort you will not get either comfort or truth--only soft soap and wishful thinking to begin with and, in the end, despair.

I want to feel my whole life. (Wow. Did I just think that? Did I mention this is scary?) My prayer is that these lethal layers of intended protection that I have piled on myself through years and years overeating will continue to be stripped away. And even though it really scares the pants off of me, that I will allow myself to just feel stuff.

Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6 NIV

If you are still reading, bless you. This was some deep stuff and it probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me:)
P.S. You can listen to the interview that really spoke to me about all the "feeling" stuff here. Move bar to 13:45 on the video to hear the specific portion related to this post. But the whole thing is really good!


Deb Willbefree said...

Keelie, This post certainly makes sense to me! Thank you for writing it. It is true, you know, that in the depths--that is where real life dwells.

Our Saviour never was one for the shallow waters or shallow soil or shallow hearts. And He's meeting you there in the depths right now, isn't He? Don't be afraid; His arms are strong and undergird you.

I've copied that quote by C.S. Lewis, too. I think I will be writing my own post with that one some day. Thank you, again.


Mom to the Fourth Power said...

Wow... I love that quote. I can see how that fits right now with something pertaining to me. I think sometimes I would rather have comfort than the truth because the truth hurts. Yet, so many times I have found despair instead of comfort. I have to learn to FEEL the good and the bad and face it all. I love the scripture in John 16:33 ".. be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." That really give me hope when I feel like a trial is too much for me.
Thanks for sharing!


The Chubby Girl Diaries said...

I love that quote! And I love what you have written here. My problem is that I feel too much and use food to numb the pain.

I'm all too familiar with truth.


Kate said...

This was a very heartfelt post. I am a recovering alcoholic and I too, sought comfort from the pain that I knew was in my soul. And I remember when I faced it. A trusty guide by my side and my God all around me. It was ugly, but it was necessary. And now? I know how to be free. And to feel everything that comes my way. I don't always like it, but I do know that God gives me the strength to get through it.

Anna said...

Comfort is not something wrong... as long as it's not your priority. I strongly believe life should be a balance of things, and a little comfort won't hurt. :)

Anyway, I'm giving you the 'beautiful blogger' award today! I know you already received it in the past, but I don't think it's forbidden all the same... and I love your blog! You ARE beautiful and inspirational. :)

Melissa said...

I'm reading Mere Christianity right now! My husband LOVES C.S. Lewis (has all of his books) & got me to read this one. It's amazing!

Great post!

99ToGo said...

I love C.S. Lewis...and what you've written is so important.

When we experience the pain and discomfort that this world dishes out, only then can we experience the true comfort that only God can offer. Peace in the storm; it's better and sweeter than anything.

I too, am afraid of feeling pain and grief. But I remind myself that God is more powerful than my feelings, and they only last so long. The feelings can't harm me. I imagine God doesn't allow us to struggle with those intense and troublesome feelings unless He's going to use them for some good purpose in our lives.

It is deeply disappointing to be smacked in the face with the urge to binge (or to actually go ahead with a binge itself) when we've experienced a period of freedom from those desires. But just like fearful feelings, that urge is only temporary, and we only have to fight so long before it's gone.

I love the music you've added to your blog. Have you listened to "Beautiful, Beautiful"? It's one of my favorites right now :)

cmoursler said...

I finally realized a while back, that by trying to block the bad feelings, the hurt..i was also blocking the possibility of real, deep and true love and happiness. that is too high a price to pay for safety.
Great post.

Ginger said...

Profound words. Thanks for taking the risk to share them. Years ago, I read a quote from the founder of Voice of the Martyrs: " There is something about suffering that prepare us for heaven." I trust the One who knows my every thought.

Sandy said...

Keelie, you need to link this up with Spiritual Sundays! This is very deep, GOOD stuff! Thank you so much!!! I need to get read that book. Kalyn has mentioned it.

Whidbey Woman said...

Welcome to Spiritual Sundays! I believe this is your first link with us... or I haven't had the privilige of visiting before.
You are doing great on your weight loss journey. Congratulations! I know its hard work. I also struggle with weight issues. I am trying to eat more of a vegetarian diet. Exercise is hard. I am lazy, and use asthma as an excuse.
God bless you, and please link with us again. You are so inspiring!

Ginger~~Enchanting Cottage said...

Your heart is heavy and sometimes just writing it down makes us feel better. I will pray for you and your journey. Your not alone on the weight thing, I feel your pain.
God Bless,

Charlotte said...

Wow, Keelie, you are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing. I'm so glad you chose to join us on Spiritual Sundays and I'm glad you posted your pictures.