June 30, 2010

Weigh In: .5 lb Gain

182 lbs. (I sat down for a second while I was taking pics last week and when I looked in the mirror I about fell over! I DIDN'T KNOW I STILL LOOKED LIKE THIS SITTING DOWN!)

This photo says it all.

Still a lot of work to do. I am sorry for all the Debbie-downer posts lately. But this would not really be a true account of weight loss if I didn't have to go there sometimes.

Today I was about to enter the grocery store for some medicine when I had a literal knock-down -drag-out fight with my own self in the car. Over food that I wanted but didn't need. It wasn't pretty. There were some tears. There was ALOT of frustration.

Why is this still happening? After 6 months of what I thought was a forever-changed lifestyle, I am finding myself slipping back into old habits and even at times WANTING to go back to them.

The thought of a salad is making me sick. I don't want to cook anything. I just want to eat and eat and eat junk. And junk is bad. I don't care how you look at it--this is BAD. (Isn't it , Kate?! This has to be bad) And I thought maybe it was that TOM, but unless that TOM lasts for a month in some people, can't be it.

This is horrible. This is a serious addiction and if you don't believe me well...just do. I feel like I am under such bondage. I know that's a lie; I guess I'm just sad because it really hit me today that I am always going to have to REALLY struggle with this. And I am mad at myself. You can tell me not to be, but I still will be so don't bother.

I have faith in something bigger than me. I always have. I always believed that someday I would be saved from my weight. I still believe that and I believe that once again and forever and ever He will continue to pull me up and set my feet on a rock. So I'm waiting. I'm being still. I'm crying...and trying not to eat chocolate and quarter pounders.

In lieu of comments, please pray, dear friends.



Sam said...

Can I do both? We try so hard to protect ourselves from the pain, from the anger, from the feelings that make us real. And for me, it wasn't until I really acknowledged that I WAS mad that I was able to really begin this journey. I finally admited I was mad at my mom, and mad at my dad, and mad at myself. So I say... the only way to work through those feelings, is to feel them, be with them, let it out, then you get to the point you can let it go, for that day. I've learned that for myself, some of these feelings are dealt with on a daily, weekly, or monthly basis. And I have faith that if I continue having courage to face them, some day they truly will disapear. You'll get there too. I'm praying for you friend.

Googie said...

You can do this girl!! YOu have come so far nad have been an inspiration to all of us here in blogworld. This isn't going ot be easy and this probably wont be the last time you feel like this. But, you have done so many awesome things like running in 5k's and fitting into smaller clothes. So, don't let this bump in the road throw you off. You can do this!

Jen said...

Hi there! Just recently found your blog but have never posted a comment before. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that you are NOT ALONE.

I started my journey at 228lbs after gaining 60lbs in pregnancy. I have lost almost 70 of it now - 30 to go. It took a year and a half to lose the first 20lbs and five months to lose the last 50 because I have been extremely dedicated (among other things too complicated to go into in the comments section. :) Anyway, on the treadmill this morning, I wanted SO BADLY to throw in the towel! I was SO DONE with all of it. Even though I can tell a big difference now, I feel like I should be done. I was sitting there thinking, "I cannot believe I have put fourth all of this effort and I still look like this! I am still not thin and STILL NOT DONE!" Not only am I not done, I don't even feel close" (some days I do but at that moment I did not.) I could not stop thinking, "this is just going to have to be good enough because I cannot do this anymore."

This is the first time I have ever gotten this down about it all and I just keep mulling it over trying to find a way out of thinking this way. I mean, I know I will keep going but it is SOOOOOO much harder to run in this mindset rather than a positive one. I have got to find a way to reconnect with that positive attitude.

I'll add you to my prayers tonight as I beg God for yet another huge dose of mercy. :)

God bless!

LauraLynne said...

I am so with you!! Not alone indeed. You're inspiring me, even when you're down. YOu've come so far and struggles are going to come with this journey. I feel it too. But you can do this - you've done it - you're doing it - and I will pray. For you, for me, for all of us going through this every day of our lives.

Kristin Hope said...

**hugs** I can totally understand. I am just now starting to get out of my recent funk, but I will not have myself think that it will not come again - and again - and again. It will also be a forever journey for me, but with God, we can get through it.

I seem to be recommending this book lately. I am reading it for a ladies Bible study - Beautiful Things Happen when a Woman Trusts God (http://www.amazon.com/Beautiful-Things-Happen-Woman-Trusts/dp/1400202434/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1277949730&sr=8-1) - God is really using it to work on me. I think all of us who want to, try to, and think we do already trust God can use the wisdom from this book. I think you can flip through the pages on Amazon. I'm not saying that you don't trust God, but maybe a refresher can help you get back to where you want to be? Love you, girl! :)

Jennifer said...

I'm with you on that one. Someone tagged me in a pic on facebook from a party this past weekend and I was so suprised to see what I looked like sitting down. It really kicked my butt this week to keep pushing through my weight loss. Good luck! I'm with you and you're in my prayers.

Deb Willbefree said...

Oh, Keelie, I'm praying!

You are in such a hard place. I hated that place!

God will give you wisdom and He won't yell at you for asking--for not knowing what is wrong.

You're in His hands. Hang on.


Vio at www.vislosingit.blogspot.com said...

Totally understand.. I am STILL struggling with my smoking, and I feel the same way you did in the car. Try to go back to looking at it as making through each day without junk. Thats all I am doing exercise/diet/smoking wise. There will be slips ups, there will be downer days...that's real life :) But its how we act after our slips ups and downers that truly show us how much we have changed :)

Melissa said...

I believe the same things, girl. I do. And I always have. I have to believe that THIS is the time it will happen for me! & for you! :)

I've been doing so well & feeling so good, but today i had fast food. I went to the gym after & was ASHAMED as i sat in the car eating a burger. I watched people walking into the gym & hoped they wouldn't see me. I bet they don't eat fast food burgers. & i haven't had it in so long that my stomach got REALLY upset. Lesson learned? Doubtful. I always go back.

But i will pray for you & you pray for me if you think of it!! We will get there!

Your pics are an inspiration to me, btw.

Keelie said...

Thank you for all the encouragement. I agree with you, Jen. It is just so much easier with the positive mindset. Right now its just like I am grasping for it but nothing is there. I am in no way giving up. Just want to make that perfectly clear. I think I will look back on this month and learn from it and give God glory. Just looking forward to brighter days. Thanks for the prayers.I will pray for all of you my blogging buddies too:

Dear Lord, thank you for bringing each of us to this journey in our lives. It is so rewarding and so fun to see our bodies changing. But when the fleshly desires are raging, this is not so fun. It scares me. Please protect us all from harm. Guard our hearts and draw us unto you.I pray for renewal of mind, spirit and ultimately body. Thank you so much for these special friends without whom this would be really hard. you know what I (we) need and I think that is awesome. help me focus on that. You are GOd alone.
In Jesus name.. Amen

Mom to the Fourth Power said...

Smile... you are beautiful inside and out!!
God bless.

MissyMcM said...

Dear Heavenly Father...I lift this wonderful young woman up to You. She is in need of Your comfort and strength. The journey that she is on may not have an end on this side of Heaven. Help her to accept that. Help her to take one day at a time and help her make the decisions one at a time. Help her worried mind...quiet the "other voices" in her spirit, so that she hears only You. We thank You and we praise You for what You are going to accomplish thru Keelie. In Your will and thru Christ I pray for Keelie. Amen

Raegun said...

You will get through this, Keelie. I always think of this quote when I'm in this situation:

"Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man, but coaxed downstairs a step at a time."

You have come so far and made so many positive changes to your lifestyle. I am always inspired by you and your ability to keep it real.

you might enjoy a video I posted over on my blog today. Please stop by!


99ToGo said...

I will be praying! I will be asking that God will show you His power in your weakness, and that you can have peace during this trial.

If this is the first big struggle you've had during the last several months of freedom, it can be especially scary; I guess because we realize we are not "cured", and that the temptations are still there. And they're powerful.

Just remember that God alwasy offers a way out. If that means staying away from grocery stores, not taking trips for the next few days/weeks past old favorite fast food places. Do it! Take extreme measures to plow through this trial! And when you come out the other side, knowing that you can overcome this with God's help, you'll trust in His power and your commitment the next time you struggle.

Go back and read some of your own blog posts where you expressed great joy over living healthfully, and experiencing freedom from this addiction. Know that you'll have that again. Just don't give up on yourself and doubt God's promise not to leave or forsake you.

If it motivates you, do it.
If it discourages you, avoid it.
If it might trip you up, run away!!

Craphty said...

You are looking fab just remember all the weight you have lost. You are an inspiration to many and we all gain at some point just a little blip. try Psalm 121 modern sung version is best. Prayers for next week.... x Chris

Angela said...

God put it on my heart to tell you that life's struggles is not what defines us: God defines us, and he calls things that are not as though they are. Even if you can't see it yet, this struggle is already beaten! Perhaps you were meant to write that post for the purpose of stirring all our faiths. (I know I'm stirred! Somebudy come preach to me!) You are a might woman of God, Keelie. He is with you always:)

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Vaia said...

Keelie...you made me cry with this post. I'm at work catching up on some blog reading and then backtrack to this one. It's where I'm at and I hate it too. I don't understand my thoughts and my body sometimes but reading this is hitting a spot in my brain that is screaming out for goodness. A heartfelt thank you. That's all I can give to you right now.