January 28, 2011

Voices in My Head

It's currently 11:01 pm. I should be sleeping. But I'm not. I'm having an all too common inner-argument. Have a listen...

Fat Me: You should have a snack right now. Everyone's asleep. It's okay.

[Not Fat] Me: Don't listen to that jerk.

Fat Me: No, I mean--seriously. You have done really well today. A spoonful of peanut butter will be fine. Or two, even.

[Not Fat] Me: Do NOT listen to that voice! You know it lies.

Fat Me: Maybe I do sometimes, but hey--what about the scale? You weighed just a minute ago and it wasn't very good. About the same as yesterday. I think you should eat something. It's not like you lost any weight today!

[Not Fat] Me: That is the most irrational hog -wash I have ever heard. Shut up, fatty!

Fat Me: Do NOT call me fatty. That is rude. I am just trying to be helpful and justify your desire for a snack.

[Not Fat] Me: Oh well, excuse me. Please be quiet you IDIOT.

Fat Me: Anywaaaaaays... As I was saying... Just go ahead and have something. Remember when we used to lay in bed and eat crap? Yeah, man. Those were the days. It will be so relaxing. You can watch *ah-hem* The Biggest Loser...while you enjoy some of those Wheat Thins that were brought into the house today. Oooooh, oooh! Noooooo! I know--eat the Funyuns. Yeah. You haven't had any of those in a while.

[Not Fat] Me: Hey! Remember when we used to weigh 230 pounds and couldn't even sleep on our side because the fat around our neck and chest would suffocate us?! Yeah--those were the days. Not.

Fat Me: Wow. Someone is being dramatic. Geeez.

[Not Fat] Me: Nope. No drama here. That was reality. Out of breath tying shoes, knees hurting for no reason, clothes looking bad on us, our true smile buried under layers of fat and despair. NO drama. Just the bitter truth.

Fat me: Well, that was 60 pounds ago. You can mess up every now and then. This is a marathon, not a sprint. You can take your time losing the weight. Right? That's what you always say. A few chips won't matter in the long run.

[Not Fat] Me: Stop. Be aware of what is happening right now. You are this close to being decieved by yourself. Remember how you feel in the morning after you do this? Remember how mad you are right after you finish the snack? It's not worth it. Are you really hungry? Have a glass of---

Fat Me (sticking fingers in ears): Lalalalalalalalala. I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Lalalalalalalala.......

[Not Fat]: Oh , good lord.

Fat Me: Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala.......

[Not Fat] Me: Turn on your rain noise maker and GO TO SLEEP, you fool.


The battle rages on...But the victory is WON.



Amanda said...

Ahh the Angel and the Devil speaking to you.

Good on you for listening to the Angel :)

Tammy said...

Stay strong! I know these conversations all too well. This is exactly the kind of self back and forth conversation that I was talking about with the Almond Poppyseed muffins (http://anewertammy.com/2011/01/26/i-am-being-tested/).

You want to stay out of the 170s now so have some water and try to get some sleep. You are winning the fight. :)

Verity Vaudeville said...

This is how I felt last night. So I had a single chip and went straight to bed. I got all the taste without the guilt of having too much. And I enjoyed it all the more because of the fact.

good for you :)

Can do mom said...

Love your post, Keelie! The inner battle wages, especially in the late hours! I almost succombed to temptation late last night but thankfully, resisted! :) Keep fighting the good fight and tell "fatty" to shut up!

P.S. My middle daughter (15yo) gasped "Mom!" when I wrote shut up - unapproved language in our home... heh heh...

Stacey said...

Thanks for coming over to my new blog! I agree with you. I think I really would like First Place 4 Health. To bad I don't live close by, then you could be my leader. :)

Oh those voices. They can be quite convincing and ever so persistent. Good for you to recognize it for what it truly was...a lie.

It made me think of something I had just read in Made to Crave. She talks about how the enemy's lies and rationalizations sing so sweetly to us. Instead of focusing on what we shouldn't have, focus on all that we can have. By embracing the boundaries of our healthy eating plan we can see they are boundaries from our loving God who does care about our health. Our boundaries keep us safe, not restricted. Eventually we will be able to add some foods back in small quantities. Here is the kicker for me...Since my brokenness with food runs deep, I will need time for my new healthy habits to run even deeper.

Sorry for the lengthy comment. I probably needed to write that out for me more than anyone else who will read it.

Anonymous said...

I have SO had that conversation! I need me a rain maker noise thing. Deb

SkinnyGirlSetFree said...

You made me laugh out loud! Thanks! I can totally identify...that fatty is definitely hard to drown out!

Charbelle said...

I loved this one!!! I'm familiar with that voice you were hearing!! I also really love your "things fat people think/say/do" these are so spot on!!! I always look forward to your posts!!