I had envisioned this post reading somewhat differently than I'm afraid it is going to. Sadly, I did not reach my New Year goal of weighing less than I did when the holidays began. :( It's such a bummer.
This is really frustrating and honestly, I just don't think I'm cut out for this anymore. I mean, I keep setting goals and then I fail. It's is embarrassing. It makes me mad. I don't know. I just wonder if it's even worth it anymore.
I ate so many wonderful things throughout the holidays! Dripping with butter, oozing cheeses of all kinds. I dipped and dabbed, picked and piled. Sure it was all fattening and really bad for me but you know what--it tasted so. dang. good. It was worth it. I have earned the right to eat like that. A year's worth of sacrifice I felt deserved a good splurge. Yes, all my pants are tight, but it was worth it.
Looking back on the past few weeks, I realize just what all I have been missing. I'm tired of putting forth all the effort it takes to plan my meals and to exercise. Getting the heart rate up and being out of breath is SO hard. I am tired of eating stuff like fruits and veggies. So bland. I like to fry! No one should have to give up the things that they love or the things that are comforting to them.
I'm tired of prioritizing my life around taking care of my body. I really miss sleeping in. The quiet time in the morning doesn't help me THAT much. It is such a huge inconvenience to my family for me take off for an hour everyday just to "workout." They need me there to take care of them. I don't want to be selfish and take care of me all the time. What kind of mother and wife does that!?
Sometimes it's nice to wallow in delf-doubt and self-pity. Emotions are real and need to be addressed. So what if I like to address mine with food? The moment I start chewing, the emotion goes away. I like being numb and dead to my feelings. Sometimes feelings hurt and I don't want to experience pain.
Most of all I know that God loves me no matter what. He loves me even when I'm fat. So I think I'm just going to throw caution to the wind in 2011 and make it be the year that I give up!!! Then I won't have to worry about not reaching my goals anymore. Yep, I'm done.
Not! I'm ready to ATTACK this year. Come on!!! What did you expect?