August 29, 2010

Where Would I Be?

This week Molly left me a comment that said this:

OH MY HECK! Awesome measurements! Nice job. What a change from January. Do you ever think about where you would be if you didn't make the changes you are making? I think about it every day and thank a loving Father in Heaven for the changes that have happened!

Molly, to answer your question--No! I haven't really thought about where I would be. Which is hard to believe because all I do is think. I internalize, analyze, over-analyze, replay...But this is not something to which I have given much thought.

Interesting.

Well, of course I have been thinking about this ever since I read Molly's comment. Whew. Tough stuff to imagine. I wonder if subconsciously it is such a scary thought that I have avoided it?

Some people would say to leave the past in the past. Just move on and never look back. I suppose in some instances that is a good idea. However, I can not afford to forget the past. Ever. I can never let myself not think about what might have been.

Since graduating high school I gained an average of 10 pounds per year. It's safe to assume I would be another 10 pounds heavier than I was this time last year, putting me at the frightening weight of 240 pounds on my 5'4" medium-boned frame.

I know without a doubt that I would not be exercising. Allowing my bones to petrify and my cardiovascular health to deteriorate at the age of 30 years old. People would still ask me what I was doing that put me so out of breath every time I answered the phone. Of course I would never tell them it was the mere act of getting off the couch to answer the phone that taxed my body so.

I might actually be institutionalized by now. I am not making light of this situation. I really felt like I was going crazy. My poor health and inactive lifestyle had led me directly to the gates of hell in the form of anxiety and depression by this time last year. I was paralyzed with the fear of death. Ironically, in my misguided efforts to avoid pain, I had caused a great deal of it for myself and those around me. I can only imagine how that would be affecting us now.

I would be wondering What is the point? I would be thinking that I can never get myself out of the pit I am in. I would still be dependant on something with no wisdom, no love and no life to provide my comfort. Food.

Where would I be? It would be a bad, bad place. It hurts me to think...

Molly, thanks for asking the question. The best part about thinking through all of this is knowing that at the end of my quickly fraying rope, I gave Christ control of my life. The feeling, the thinking, the eating, the using...all of it. All of me. I gave it to Him and He has made something out of nothing.

I'm more than just a beautiful mess. And so are you.
Photobucket

P.S. This song describes my feelings quite succinctly:

(You Are Everything, Matthew West)
I’m the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can’t even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I’m spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime
Where would I be without someone to save me

Someone who won’t let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
Breathe again

Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
I’m the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I ever care to confess
Oh but, You’re the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess
Where would I be without someone to save me

Someone who won’t let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within

Every single beat of my heart
You’re everything good in my life
Everything honest and true
And all of those stars hanging up in the sky
Could never shine brighter than You
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can’t believe is happening
You’re standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can’t help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Feeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
You are, You are, Jesus You are
You are everything

9 comments:

Charbelle said...

This is one of my favorite songs!!

Blubeari said...

I do think it is important to look back and see what could have been and to realize that the journey toward health is one of the most important ones a person can make. It is a long and difficult one, but I remember how much happier and more capable I was before I gained this weight, and I know I can be that way again. :-)

BEE said...

you are so inspiring
look at you
keep doign what you are doing
dont ever go back
i think this was a great post

Traci said...

Oh my gosh I love that song. What a challenging thought to think about. It's good to know we have made a huge change in our lives.

{Absolutely, Positively} Josie said...

i thank GOD for you!!!

Deb Willbefree said...

Where would I be without someone to save ve? I'd be exactly where you described in this post.

Thanks. I needed to read this today.

Deb

Lainey said...

You are such a powerful writer - what a gift! I certainly enjoy reading it. Thanks!

~Lainey

Tara Kieninger said...

This post really inspired me - I'm hoping to get motivated to continue with my weight loss here soon. Too much time is wasting and I want to wonder "where would I be".

Kate said...

It's so important for me to look back on a regular basis. And then project forward to see the life I had headed my way. I don't do it every day, of course because that's silly. But about four times a year, I get a glimpse of that life and that makes me cherish where I'm at even more. I know for a fact that I would be dead. Plain and simple. Either by accident or by my own hand. It was coming. And I thank God every day for allowing me to change my life before I dishonored him in death.