I just hate that for me, every single thing has to revolve around food.
Every moment is a battle in my head...
Am I going to eat that granola bar? Well, no I think that might be one too many grains and then I'll want more sweets...well, but if you don't eat it now then you might want candy later. Okay yeah, let's just have this apple. Oh wait the kids are having goldfish. Oh my gosh those have never looked so good to me in my life! Apple, apple, apple. Must. Eat. Apple. Okay, good. Disaster averted. Now what about dinner? What if I get too hungry before it's done? What if it doesn't fill me up. What am I going to eat on the way home tomorrow? What if we have to eat out?It's okay. You can do it. just come up with a plan. Stick to it. Like you tell everyone else. Ahhhhhhhhhh!
And I try so hard! I really do. But then one little mistake and it's like all that work is totally negated. The mental toll this takes on me and I'm sure countless others, is just too much sometimes. I'm not kidding. It's like you need a break sometimes. I read Kimberlynn's writing about this once (she said: I truly love this journey and all the amazing changes that have taken place over the past year, but at times it can also be exhausting. It's tiring always being on top of everything...thinking ahead and working through every problem that comes my way. read more) and it was the first time it ever really hit me. You just have to be so "on" mentally, emotionally, and physically all the time to fight what we are fighting. And I never thought about it like that.
After all this time you would think I could do a better job of dealing with this stuff, but one thing that is made more evident to me with each passing day is that is that it doesn't get any easier. The mess-ups happen less and the rebounding comes quicker but it's not any easier. None of it is.
What am I talking about exactly? Going off a plan. Walking into the trap. And then the aftermath. I can't explain it, either you understand what I'm talking about or you don't. If you do understand then you're shaking your head going "Yeah, it's frustrating as heck!" and if you don't, you're shaking your head the other way going "This is ridiculous."
Does ANYONE know what I am talking about?
Is ANYONE wallowing with me right now?
Well, at any rate, it is what it is. Sorry, I don't mean to be all Debbie Downer here if you're reading for the first time and just getting started trying to lose weight. Maybe you want to hear that it does finally get easier and everything just falls into place and you just have the mind of a skinny person all of a sudden. Well, sorry. I love you too much to tell you that. This is not easy. Ever.
But there is hope.
As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. Psalm 70:14
And that's how and why I keep going.
These are some photos (that I took photos of--sorry for the poor quality) from a few years ago when we went on the same camping trip we went on this weekend.
When I get frustrated...
When I'm fighting back the tears...
When I just want to throw in the towel and hide under a big pile of Chick-fil-a nuggets...
I remember what the Lord has done. He has carried me from there to here and he's still carrying me. When I'm tired, he's there. When I"m crying, he's there. When I'm falling a part, he's there...picking up the pieces and putting them back together better than they were before. Stronger. More interesting. More beautiful. He's there and he's carrying me.
Where are we going? I'm really not sure. I know where I think we're going and where I want to be going and that's pretty great. But that's only what my silly, ridiculous mind can come up with. (You know the one that wants me to OD on fried yard bird because I ate a few too many handfuls of goldfish) I am certain the destination is far better than anything that mind can dream of.
So hope. Everything rides on hope.