May 23, 2011

Tiring

So I spent the day licking my wounds from the weekend. Poor, pitiful me. Don't get me wrong--the weekend was great! We had a super time camping and riding a real train, spending time with the family. It truly was a wonderful time for making memories and getting away.

I just hate that for me, every single thing has to revolve around food.

Every moment is a battle in my head...

Am I going to eat that granola bar? Well, no I think that might be one too many grains and then I'll want more sweets...well, but if you don't eat it now then you might want candy later. Okay yeah, let's just have this apple. Oh wait the kids are having goldfish. Oh my gosh those have never looked so good to me in my life! Apple, apple, apple. Must. Eat. Apple. Okay, good. Disaster averted. Now what about dinner? What if I get too hungry before it's done? What if it doesn't fill me up. What am I going to eat on the way home tomorrow? What if we have to eat out?It's okay. You can do it. just come up with a plan. Stick to it. Like you tell everyone else. Ahhhhhhhhhh!

And I try so hard! I really do. But then one little mistake and it's like all that work is totally negated. The mental toll this takes on me and I'm sure countless others, is just too much sometimes. I'm not kidding. It's like you need a break sometimes. I read Kimberlynn's writing about this once (she said: I truly love this journey and all the amazing changes that have taken place over the past year, but at times it can also be exhausting. It's tiring always being on top of everything...thinking ahead and working through every problem that comes my way. read moreand it was the first time it ever really hit me. You just have to be so "on" mentally, emotionally, and physically all the time to fight what we are fighting. And I never thought about it like that.

After all this time you would think I could do a better job of dealing with this stuff, but one thing that is made more evident to me with each passing day is that is that it doesn't get any easier. The mess-ups happen less and the rebounding comes quicker but it's not any easier. None of it is.

What am I talking about exactly? Going off a plan. Walking into the trap. And then the aftermath. I can't explain it, either you understand what I'm talking about or you don't. If you do understand then you're shaking your head going "Yeah, it's frustrating as heck!" and if you don't, you're shaking your head the other way going "This is ridiculous."

Does ANYONE know what I am talking about?
Is ANYONE wallowing with me right now?

Well, at any rate, it is what it is. Sorry, I don't mean to be all Debbie Downer here if you're reading for the first time and just getting started trying to lose weight. Maybe you want to hear that it does finally get easier and everything just falls into place and you just have the mind of a skinny person all of a sudden. Well, sorry. I love you too much to tell you that. This is not easy. Ever.

But there is hope.
As for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more. Psalm 70:14

And that's how and why I keep going.

These are some photos (that I took photos of--sorry for the poor quality) from a few years ago when we went on the same camping trip we went on this weekend.




When I get frustrated...
When I'm fighting back the tears...
When I just want to throw in the towel and hide under a big pile of Chick-fil-a nuggets...


I remember what the Lord has done. He has carried me from there to here and he's still carrying me. When I'm tired, he's there. When I"m crying, he's there. When I'm falling a part, he's there...picking up the pieces and putting them back together better than they were before. Stronger. More interesting. More beautiful. He's there and he's carrying me.

Where are we going? I'm really not sure. I know where I think we're going and where I want to be going and that's pretty great. But that's only what my silly, ridiculous mind can come up with. (You know the one that wants me to OD on fried yard bird because I ate a few too many handfuls of goldfish) I am certain the destination is far better than anything that mind can dream of.  

So hope. Everything rides on hope.

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9 comments:

Kristi said...

It's like you were inside my head.

Love the comparisons. You look amazing!

Love you!

Kristina said...

Unbelievable how different you look! And 10 years younger! So proud of you! Keep me in your prayers please! I am really struggling. Have put 30 of the 69 I had lost back on and am feeling miserable again. But NOT giving up!

Absolutely, Positively Josie said...

This post couldn't have come at a better time for me, Keelie. Last week for me was stellar. I got so in the zone that I even plowed through Saturday. Then came Sunday and a potluck. A plan to eat "whatever I want" at lunch in front of others turned into, eat whatever I want, in whatever amount, all day long, and go to bed with a stomach ache- which led to waking up this morning with a stomach ache.
(I just have to say that I have thought very often about a question you asked me once about my "cheat meal" mentality, and who I was really cheating. You were the first person to confront me with the truth of the matter, at least as it exists in my life. The TRUTH is, a cheat meal is a binge. I knew that walking into Sunday. Somehow, I thought a stellar week would give me strength to overcome. LOL.)

I was back on plan today, even exercised. But then came a little work stress and a glimpse at a family size bag of cheetos plus a ton more, and it was over, and worse than yesterday.

I've wallowed all day long. I'm tired of looking for every other solution before giving this load to Jesus.

It helps to hear your advice, from YOU, to know the truth about it not getting easier.

I offer my prayers and love!

Absolutely, Positively Josie said...

PS: I'm sorry the above comment was so me-centric. I wish I had something to say to you that was credible and that was anything better than, "I feel you." But that's all I've got.

Lord willing, let's get through this week with Jesus carrying our load. Let's live like we believe (and that includes eating)!

Syndal said...

hang in there..I loved this post because it's the reality of working towards a change. And weight loss is so often glamorized through tv shows and the media that people have unrealistic expectations. You are helping empower people through this blog and your journey and that is an amazing thing.

Deb Willbefree said...

I totally get this post. I've written similar a dozen times.

For me, I've simplified things tremendously. I'm pretty much low-carb now. Easier.

My meals are mostly meat, veggies and fruit w/ some dairy. No more counting # of servings of this or that. It's on my allowed list or it's not. period.

That may not work for me next month, but it's working for me now. :} I just needed to breathe.

We shall overcome.

Deb

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

Thank you for this post, Keelie. I've been having a hard time lately, so it's helpful to read a post such as this. It IS the hard truth that most of the time it is a difficult road, but a worthwhile one...

I'm not typically a very religious person, but I love what you have to say in your blog.

Thanks,
Ex Yo-Yo Debbie

Ex Yo-Yo Dieter Debbie said...

Hi again, Keelie...just wanted to know that I linked to your post/blog today. I had an a-ha moment, and you were involved! :)

Nikki said...

I totally know where you are coming from! How can we be so obsessed about food? Why should we have to plan everything out? Why can't we just live life?

I started reading this book called The End of Overeating. Have you read it? It talks about the salt, sugar, and fat in food, and why we crave it. Food companies put so much time and money into researching what combination of salt sugar and fat is most palatable to us. It seems to get a little repetitive, but the first few chapters definitely open your eyes. Its definitely helped open my eyes a bit.