You know you are not, could not possibly be, in any way, form or fashion--hungry--and yet it seems as though you will explode if you do not shove food in your mouth at an alarming rate until that feeling goes away.
I think that much progress has been made in my life where my eating habits/lifestyle are concerned. But I still bear the burden of this one, really nagging thing that happens to me. It seems like if I could just overcome this then I would be golden. It also seems like I will never be able to overcome it.
That feeling, in those moments...is like no other feeling I can describe. It is irresistible. It is a force. It has the ability to shroud any sense of right or wrong or previous decision I might have made, like in this post. In those moments it seems that nothing can quench the desire for...something...that I have. And it's not food. But for some reason that is the way this desire manifests itself through me. I eat.
I hate it. I hate it about me. It is the thing that will make me want to slap myself, pull my hair out, go into another room and scream into a pillow. It is thing that (hasn't done this in a long time) makes me look into a mirror with disgust and just cry. Because this pattern of failure is exhausting.
An excerpt from my devotion this morning in Jesus Calling (and I'm a day off if anyone else reads this)
Now that's a word for the weary!Come to me for rest and refreshment. The journey has been too much for you, and you are bone-weary. Do not be ashamed of your exhaustion. Instead, see it as an opportunity for Me to take charge of your life. Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good (Rom. 8:28), including the things you wish were different...Your main responsibility is to remain attentive to me, letting me guide you through the many choices along your pathway...Your desire to live in my presence goes against the grain of "the world, the flesh, and the devil." Much of your weariness results from your constant battle against these opponents. However, you are in the path of my choosing, so do not give up!
This pattern that I wish was different seems so futile and tiring but as Romans 8:28 and the devotional states, He can fit everything into a pattern for good. He is not surprised by my pitiful pattern. In fact, He is so powerful that He uses it for good. From it He crafts the very best, perfect prescription for my problem: More of Himself.
The pattern is this:
self-reliance > fail > become weary > turn to Him > HOPE > praise Him
The end of the pattern is always to glorify my Savior. This is for His purposes, not mine. All for HIS glory. Not mine! Ahh! How quick I am to forget this. The purpose is not, nor has it ever been "to get me fixed." Not possible. At least not here on earth.
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. Psalm 42:11
What a Creator you are! Why do I try to do things apart from you? Why do I try to fix myself? You have got this. Help me every day get over myself faster and on to you even faster. Let your glory shine!
This song has gotten me through many a long runs:) Enjoy!