Well, this is going to be one of those posts. The kind I write with my tail between my legs. But once I get it all out in the open I will move on.
I weighed. A couple of days ago I woke up feeling amazing. I looked in the mirror and my stomach seemed very flat. I just felt lighter. You know that feeling. All of a sudden I found myself having the inner war that goes on--usually it has to do with should I eat this or not eat this?--but this time it was about stepping on the scale.
I justified the decision to check my weight thinking that seeing a loss would bolster my spirits and help me keep going in the direction I needed to go. At that point I totally took matters into my own hands and took my eyes off of God. I went to my son's closet where I put the scale and brought it into the bathroom. Not a good "put away" spot, obviously. I stepped on and saw 169. The last time I weighed right before I put the scale up it said 174. Naturally I was really excited to see this loss. I put the scale back up and that was that.
That was not that. Let the mental games begin. After seeing the 169 on Monday and then having a really great day of eating yesterday I figured I could get away with eating some snacks. In bed. Around midnight. Cheese crackers, peanut butter, crackers, tortillas, Valentine candy, etc. Totally dysfunctional. Then today I was feeling bad about that and so it led to more poor choices. I will never be able to explain or understand this cycle.
I mean, really? When will I learn. I just keep wanting to think that I am actually going to figure out the "thing" that is going to be the solution to all of this. (Prov 26:11 Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.) It's never going to happen! There is not a "thing" that can fix me. This is a matter of the heart. Period.
The few days that I did not weigh were amazing. It was the beginning of freedom that I have been longing for. I just know it. I still think that the right thing for me to do is put the scale away. (Really away, like at a different house). But just doing that is not going to be enough. I need strongholds to be broken and idols to be cast down. My help comes from the Lord.