February 15, 2012

Slip Up & Tracker 46

Well, this is going to be one of those posts. The kind I write with my tail between my legs. But once I get it all out in the open I will move on.

I weighed. A couple of days ago I woke up feeling amazing. I looked in the mirror and my stomach seemed very flat. I just felt lighter. You know that feeling. All of a sudden I found myself having the inner war that goes on--usually it has to do with should I eat this or not eat this?--but this time it was about stepping on the scale.

I justified the decision to check my weight thinking that seeing a loss would bolster my spirits and help me keep going in the direction I needed to go. At that point I totally took matters into my own hands and took my eyes off of God. I went to my son's closet where I put the scale and brought it into the bathroom. Not a good "put away" spot, obviously.  I stepped on and saw 169. The last time I weighed right before I put the scale up it said 174. Naturally I was really excited to see this loss. I put the scale back up and that was that.


That was not that. Let the mental games begin. After seeing the 169 on Monday and then having a really great day of eating yesterday I figured I could get away with eating some snacks. In bed. Around midnight. Cheese crackers, peanut butter, crackers, tortillas, Valentine candy, etc. Totally dysfunctional. Then today I was feeling bad about that and so it led to more poor choices. I will never be able to explain or understand this cycle.

I mean, really? When will I learn. I just keep wanting to think that I am actually going to figure out the "thing" that is going to be the solution to all of this. (Prov 26:11 Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.) It's never going to happen! There is not a "thing" that can fix me. This is a matter of the heart. Period.

The few days that I did not weigh were amazing. It was the beginning of freedom that I have been longing for. I just know it. I still think that the right thing for me to do is put the scale away. (Really away, like at a different house). But just doing that is not going to be enough. I need strongholds to be broken and idols to be cast down. My help comes from the Lord. 



Tammy said...

Its the identifying and changing that important. SOunds like you are on top of it and you have better words for yourself then I can think up.

Change is coming! You are making it happen.

Anonymous said...

Keelie, I was having this same discussion (with different details) with myself 10 minutes ago. I do not now what happens!

I figure out a new "key" every couple of weeks. Don't weigh. Don't eat after 8 PM. Don't eat sugar. Eat lots of veggies. Don't count, do count. Pray. Correct self-talk....

It doesn't matter what the key of the month is...what you described happens.

Days of feeling/eating great. A sigh of relief. Grateful praise to God. A post declaring some kind of victory. Then almost immediate failure.

I've had three perfect, almost effortless, days...until 10PM tonight when I decided I could have a spoonful of peanut butter.

Yes, that worked well. I'll spare you the details, but suffice to say, I can no longer say I had three good days.




Mom on a mission said...

I find it odd that we reward ourselves with food when the scale shows us great numbers....food the very thing we are trying so hard to win the "war" with.

Jamie said...

Agree! We probably will never know what it is but we just keep looking towards God and let him lead us.

I love how real & honest you are, it makes me proud, encouraged and laugh all at the same time.

Praying for you my friend.

Absolutely, Positively Josie said...

I admire your gumption, Keelie. I've been living in fear and in awe of the scale for a long time. If I weigh and see a gain, might as well eat. If I weigh and see a loss, *yay* let's eat. I pray you find freedom for every day, with or without anything (but especially the scale).


Kyle Gershman said...

I'm having the same kinds of problems lately. I'm still eating vegan, but have been snacking a bit too much at night. I'm wearing what I want to wear and my key med-stats are great...I need another problem to solve...that I WANT to solve too.

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