News: I Cooked Something

These are the fabulous potatoes I made for lunch today. A pretty healthy (and easy!) way to get a fried potato fix. You boil some small potatoes (leave them whole) for about 30 minutes. The smallest ones worked best, between the size of a tennis ball and a ping pong ball. When a fork goes in easily, remove the potatoes and dry them off on a towel. Like this:

Then you put them on a pan lined with foil and parchment paper. I sprayed it with olive oil. Then flatten each potato with  a spatula to about 1/2 in. It's okay if they come apart some. I just formed them back into circles. Drizzle with olive oil and a liberal amount of salt and pepper. You could probably be more adventurous with the spices but I wanted simple. Bake at 450 for about 30 minutes until the tops and edges are golden and crispy. I served with tilapia and a salad. Justin said I outdid myself on lunch today. I said, "Yeah, simply by cooking something, I outdid myself." That's kind of sad. It has been awhile. But I'll take the compliment! It was pretty delicious, if I do say so myself.

I had an enjoyable trip to the market yesterday. The fridge got cleaned out and only healthy stuff is in there now. Whoo-hoo!

I found these pretty ceramic refrigerator/microwaveable storage bowls at Marshall's. I LOVE them! I hate the plastic storage containers because I always have lids that don't match containers and they just clutter everything up. Plus I think they are bad for you. And the earth. Anyway, I usually leave the leftovers in them forever and then when I finally clean out the fridge I end up tossing the containers rather than wash them. LAZY! But I will never throw these beauties away.

I feel like I'm getting the food part under control. Now for the motivation to get outside and exercise! It seems to be there but it is so dang cold! I got all dressed up, had earbuds and everything to go for a walk today and one step outside changed my mind. I am praying for some slightly warmer, less windier days this week so I can get moving while it seems somewhat appealing. (Yes, I could do some things inside but I don't like to.) Want to try jogging a mile 3 days. Maybe walk some other days. It's a start. I am dreaming of another half marathon...but mustn't get ahead of myself. We'll see what progress the week brings.

This photo kind of sums up our day. Loved it.

Weigh-in tomorrow.

Kindred Spirits

Kindred spirits aren't so scarce as I used to think. It's splendid to find out there are so many of them in the world. -Anne of Green Gables

I am touched by all the supportive comments from my blog post last night. I am overwhelmed by the way God places people in our lives to uplift and encourage. How many of us are in the same boat! We have struggled for so, so long. It takes courage to keep going. I pleaded with God for that courage and new answers for us all. For Him to show us a different way and to give us strength to go there. I believe He will answer that prayer.

I won't pretend that I am strong, as if suddenly I'm ready to tackle this again. I'm not. I'm weak. As difficult as it may be to realize, we are unified in our weakness, not our strength. But we know that in our weakness His strength is made perfect. For all that weakness, the collective weakness of us kindred spirits, there is infinitely more strength in Christ.

That's our hope, that's our courage.

I'm excited and thankful for the opportunity to begin again, with you all. Humbled by your love and solidarity.

Real fat, again.

Okay, time's up. I've got to get back to business. I've been trying since September. Well, actually I've been talking since September. A lot of talk, very little action.

I have gained about 30 pounds over the past year. None of my clothes fit. I'm very irritable. I don't feel good, period. The point has been proven that I can't just haphazardly address my diet and activity. There is a certain way that things must be done, certain boundaries that must be in place for me to stay healthy. If it took me gaining 30 lbs to know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, then so be it. I'm ready to return to the way of life that brought me so much joy!

I thought long and hard about whether or not I would go back to writing this blog regularly. It got to the point where I felt like there was nothing new for me to write about. Occasionally it is a really difficult thing to do. I tend to become obsessive with it, get my feelings hurt. I make a fool of myself (Do you know that when you "Google" my name about one million pictures of me standing in front of a mirror appear!? Ugh.) I wonder if I am missing something really big and everything I write about is folly.

But, in the end I decided that the blog is just a part of the deal for me. There are new things for me to be REAL about, I just gotta hang in here long enough to see what they are. And I will have to be okay with the possibility likelihood of futility.

Attempting About-face

I began exercising this week. The Lord graciously and unexpectedly provided me with two workout buddies that are committed to being physically fit and committed to encouraging one another and me! It is so awesome because I have been praying for a buddy whose schedule would be compatible with mine...and I got two! We did a couch to 5K workout this morning and made plans for next week. We will also be setting goals together. I am pumped about this!

It has taken a few weeks months just to stop myself from going full steam ahead in the wrong direction, but now it feels like the ship is finally starting to turn. Over the past 12 months I have gained about 30 lbs. Slowly, surely choice by little choice I did that. As I have known for quite some time, the weight gain is merely an outward evidence of an inward problem. Being FAT is not the problem; WHY I am fat is the problem.  But I digress...When I finally realized how far I had gone off course it seemed like quite a daunting undertaking to get back where I was. But then again, so does heart failure, high blood pressure, cancer...among other things that are more likely to happen to me if I'm overweight. So I really began praying about getting turned back in the right direction. I knew that I could not motivate myself out of thin air to get back on track. It has been slow going since then but I feel like I am beginning to get more and more traction each week. I am slowly beginning to make better eating choices, still with an extra splash of creamer here and there, but I'm good with that.

As I was walk/running this morning I had an awesome thinking session. It hit me that nothing of REAL importance is different today than it was one year ago. Yes, I do weigh 30 pounds more and none of my clothes fit but those are not things that, in the long run, matter. Maybe they matter to people. Maybe others notice the way I look on the outside. Probably not so much, but if even if they do what does that mean to me? What can man do to me?  What can the thoughts of man do to me? I refuse to be trapped by a fear of man.

What is significant is that I am forgiven for the backsliding, laziness and gluttonous behavior that has occurred and I am turning the ship around. I am asking for help to turn the ship around. I can still make the same choices I was making a year ago and not have to worry about anything else. I am capable. (2 Peter 1:3) The good choices--that is what was on target one year ago. Not how I looked. And making good choices can happen right now. There is nothing stopping me from making those choices. If I allow myself to indulge in self-pity, self-disgust, wallowing in the fact that shopping (among other things) isn't as fun right now... then I will not be able to focus on doing the next right thing. I will instead be focused on how long it will take to make shopping fun again and then I will just want to quit. Is my goal in life to have fun shopping? Nope.

Moving forward. Slowly, surely.

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe. Proverbs 29:25

It's Complicated

"People make things complicated because they do not want to do them. Stop complicating things and just do them."

Ugh.

I read that somewhere this week (for the life of me can't remember who or where it came from) and it was a gut punch. Yes! Just do things. If I spent one tenth of the time actually doing the things I think about, analyze, debate, research, etc. I might just be king of the world....

But honestly, that's easier said than done. I could just vow that I am going to start, right now, never again analyzing or hashing out or going back and forth on stuff. But I'm not going to make that vow because that would be silly.

What is more reasonable is to think about all of the things that are hanging in the balance in my life right now and pick one of them to just put to rest. Quietly and without analysis. Almost without thinking about it. I can do that with one thing. One thing is a start and it's more than no things. It will be a little less talk and a little more action.

It could be anything: a relationship that needs mending, a directive that needs to be followed, a decision that needs to be made, a job that needs to be done, a mile that needs to be run...

I can make it complicated, or I can just do it.

I think what it's going to be tomorrow is to go check out a gym I've been considering "checking out" for weeks. I have been thinking about going in there for a look around. But I keep going back and forth, pros and cons, wishy-washy. Why don't I just go in there and make a decision?

Because then I will actually have to do something.

A-ha!

I believe this is what they call procrastination. Can anyone else relate?

Home Again

Tonight I attended a new session of First Place 4 Health. FP4H is a Christ-centered wellness program that basically changed my life. In a nut-shell it is a weekly meeting that incorporates Bible study & memorization, wellness education, encouragement & accountability. Putting Christ in the center of your life and allowing God's word to guide everything else leads to balance: mental, emotional, physical and spiritual wellness. It is an awesome program that I have missed dearly for the past year. It feels good to be "home" again.

Last fall my husband and I began serving in a ministry that conflicted, schedule-wise, with my FP4H meeting. I was also afraid that I would not be able to manage the responsibilities of the new ministry as well as my commitment to FP4H. So last Fall I stopped attending FP4H. The strange thing was, I knew that I would not be able to maintain my health without FP4H or something very similar. But I also knew that God was calling me out of it for the moment. It was very disorienting and scary, almost like walking into fire.

Actually, that analogy is a pretty accurate one. The past year has been frustrating, humbling, confusing, painful, upsetting...a challenge to say the least. But, God is good. He has forgiven me much, comforted me, taught me, surprised me, uplifted me. He's just carried me along, in the dark, through the fire and I'm still here. Though it has been difficult, this season has served as somewhat of a breather from the whole weight/food/health "thing" and I think I needed that so I could, well...breathe. And see, with fresh eyes. And hear, with fresh ears. So much has been revealed to me about the desires of my heart, what I really believe, what drives me and where I am going.  Simply put, He is bigger and I am smaller.

Now it seems that God is making a way for me once again to focus on my health and return to FP4H meetings since there is no longer a schedule conflict for me. This is so exciting! I've got a new perspective, new goals, and a new vision of progress. I'm excited to begin again, as always, by His grace. At the same time, I'm a bit overwhelmed and if I'm honest-disappointed in myself because of how much ground I lost in the physical wellness department. I do want to acknowledge those feelings, but I will not dwell on them.

I debated and prayed about blogging and how it fits into the picture of my over-all wellness. While I think there are times I probably enjoy the approval and commendation of people (specifically through the use of social media) more than I should,  I still believe writing is a tool and a gift that the Lord has given to help me in this struggle of life. I better use what He's given me because this is a nasty and relentless fight! Sometimes I resent that fact that this is my struggle. It's embarrassing to always have to come back to this place.

But this is where He meets me.

So why waste my time or energy in shame? He is waiting, He is here. So on we go.

I think it will be interesting to see how the past year will influence my efforts toward wellness going forward. I feel that I have changed a lot though I'm not exactly sure how. Ready to get the clutter in my head on paper...or on the screen, as it were.

To my weight-loss blogging friends: hopefully we can just pick up where we left off. I'd love it if you would  leave a link to your blog so I can visit and update my blog roll. Thanks!

Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods. Psalm 40:4

Life in Brief

Hi, there. Brief life update:

I'm trying to let my fingernails grow out.
I work at a coffee shop now.
I had my first cavity.
I am a student again.
I am steadily "outgrowing" all of my clothes. :-/
We are preparing for year #1 of home-schooling our kids.
We are planning to build a house sometime in the next 12 months.
I really miss blogging and reading friend's blogs. I hope to figure out a way to get back to it so I can write about all this stuff going on!

They Can't Hear You

Can't talk a plant into growing and producing fruit...have to give it TLC. 

Feed it grace.

Lord, show me how to love today. You do it.

How Mom Loves Me

In Christ, she lost her life and found it. I watched. And when I saw, then I knew that someday, somehow I would lose my life so that I would find it, too. I didn't know how it would happen or when, but I knew that it could because I saw it. It was real.

And I want to be like Mom.

The best thing she gives isn't something she plans or buys. It's not something she says or a way she makes me feel. It's not a hug or a kiss or a pat on the back. She does those things...but, no.

The way she loves me isn't the human way that has to do with emotions. It's God's way that has to do with God. It is a relationship that is transforming her. Always, transforming. It makes me want more of Jesus.

In her obedience, she loves God. And in loving God she loves me. Beautiful. Simple. God is the beginning and the end of my mother's love for me. It is a joy to be her daughter and sister, walking hand in hand toward eternity.


By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments.
(1 John 5:2 ESV)

Get Over Yourself

And Samuel said to the people, “Do not be afraid; you have done all this evil. Yet do not turn aside from following the Lord, but serve the Lord with all your heart. And do not turn aside after empty things that cannot profit or deliver, for they are empty.  For the Lord will not forsake his people, for his great name's sake, because it has pleased the Lord to make you a people for himself. 1 Samuel 12:20-22


His purposes and plans are far greater and stronger than any human agenda or evil. Obsession with anything besides the living God, even my own shortcomings, is empty--an idol that can not profit or deliver. Sin has been dealt with, indeed it is finished. He will never forsake me, whom He has chosen. But the Lord did not choose me because of me. He chose me in spite of me. He loves me not primarily for my own sake, but for the sake of His great name. What Samuel was so graciously saying to these ignorant people and now to an equally ignorant me is this:


GET OVER YOURSELF AND SERVE GOD. 

April Flowers

I've always wanted to have a window box of flowers. Dreams really do come true! This one is right outside my kitchen sink window with a humming bird feeder hanging just above. Such a joy to look out that window! I just have to avoid looking down...into the sink full of dirty dishes. :)

We planted this "Show-off" rosebush last year and it did so well (AKA: it survived the chickens and the summer of  2011) that we planted another. Love them!

I've seen all the creative cutting and painting of tires to make planters. I guess this is the lazy version, but I still think it is pretty!

It's been fun planting things around the house. The extreme heat hasn't come yet, so we're still going outside to water. Maybe I will do better with tending all of this than in years past.

This is a sweet journal entry from Jonah:

Happy Easter!

When God Wants to Change History

There is much beauty to be seen and many things to be enjoyed in God's creation. But the filthy blanket of sin that covers it all can be suffocating at times. Sometimes when sin is rampantly on display in the world, I can feel a fire burning within me. That fire usually makes me want to fight. It makes me want to correct. It makes me want to yell and kick and scream until someone will listen to me. "This is the better way!"

Sometimes a fight is called for. Sometimes a stand must be taken. I do believe that. However, I fear that perhaps this fixation on the sin of "the world" can be a distraction to the calling God has placed on my life. I was stunned this morning by an observation made in Ray Stedman's commentary on the book of Exodus:

"When God wants to change history, he doesn't start with a battle. He starts with a baby."

Wow. The words stopped me dead in my tracks. In this instance, we were learning about Moses. Who was born under a death sentence, rescued by the providence of God and then used mightily to lead God's people. This is a beautiful picture of God's plan for the lives of each of his children, who are all born helpless babes.

These are my babes and today I was reminded that first and foremost, they are my cause.

Right here. My primary objective must be to teach these babies to hold dear the Gospel of Jesus. Who knows the plans in store for my little ones? Not me. All I know is that I have them right now. And time is of the essence.

Lord, may I never be too busy fighting, boycotting, laboring or standing firm, that I forget to walk with You. Because they need to see the walk more than they need to see the fight...They need to see YOU. I know they will see the sin-infested world, but will they see their sin-infested hearts? Will they know that they need you just as much as the nasty world needs you? Will they know how much I need you? Only if I tell them. Only if they see. Lord, open my mouth and open their eyes. Teach me to stay focused and engaged in the battle for their souls. Make me alert to satan's schemes to distract with the allure of doing "good things." You have made my charge crystal clear this morning, thank You. Amen.

For the Sake of Being Real

What does it mean to be real?  actual, true, genuine, veritable, virtual, factual, transparent, honest, authentic...

Being real became very important to me a couple of years ago when I realized that I had been living in denial for a very long time. I allowed myself to believe lies so that I wouldn't have to deal with some major issues in my life. I hid shameful things about myself in hopes that no one would find out who I really was. That way people would like me.

This whole thought process is silly because most people can see right through fake. Even if my cover-up had been successful and people were fooled into liking me, it wouldn't have been the real me that they liked, but rather the person I was trying to be. When that truth was finally revealed to me, I wanted to  change.

So I decided to get real--with myself and others. I began writing on my blog about things I never wanted to even think about and certainly never dreamed I could share with other people. Through that, I learned not to take myself too seriously. I learned that people don't just sit around and think about me (good stuff or bad stuff) all the time. I began to see that admitting weakness or failure is not the end of the world.

The coolest thing was that the more real I was with others, the more real they became with me. I began to understand that no one is perfect. Even the people that seem perfect, aren't. It helped me to be able to relate to others and to be less intimidated by them. In some weird way, by sharing how messed up I really am I gained confidence.

But the confidence I gained was not in myself. The confidence was in the One who makes up for all of my failures. The more darkness I faced in myself, the brighter the Light became to me. Where sin increased, grace increased all the more. (Rom 5:20)

There was such healing (and still is) in being "real." But as with any good thing in life, it can get distorted into a bad thing. We humans are pretty darn good at that. I think what happens from time to time is that I choose to be real just for the sake of  being real. It's like a reputation I need to uphold or something like that. And the problem with that is that the being real then becomes about me and my ability to be real rather than authenticity. Being real simply for the sake of being real is no better than being fake.

There is grave danger in being real as an end in itself. If being real becomes something I strive for, I live for, something I turn to in order to face things...if it becomes something that I am proud of, as if I could even begin to be real apart from the grace of God, then what I have is a very real problem. What I have is an idol.

I find it interesting that in 1 Corinthians 8:4 idols are described as having "no real existence." Further on in verse 6: "for us there is one God, the Father, from whom are all things and for whom we exist, and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are all things and through whom we exist."

Everything I do, including being real, must be from Him and for Him. The purpose of my very existence, my realness, is to make much of Jesus. Lord, help me never forget it.

Adventures in Facebreaking

Time for a Facebreak
A detailed inventory of my time expenditures toward the end of last year led me to take what some refer to as a "Facebreak." My calculations indicated that I was spending hours on any given day involved in some sort of social media encounter. All of that seemed harmless enough, but facing the reality of the time I was devoting to these things made it increasingly difficult to whine about how hard it is to get our clothes washed and put away, get to bed at a decent hour, spend quality time with my husband and kids, and you get the picture.

So I stopped Facebook-ing and stuff. For a while. That while, as far as I was concerned, was supposed to be all about giving me more time to do important things. Mine was a good plan, but as always, His was better. The plans of the heart belong to man, but the answer of the tongue is from the LORD. Proverbs 16:1

Motives Revealed
So like I said, I stopped. Posting and commenting, that is. I was still stalking browsing to see what was up with other people. Right off the bat I became alarmed at my constant compulsion to click the Facebook app on my phone. We're talkin' 24/7. I never realized how much I was doing that until I tried to stop. So I took the app off of my phone, but the urge was ever present. It bothered me.

Another thing that bothered me was that in my own reading of books and the Bible, when I would come accross something of particular edification I immediately thought of it in terms of a Facebook post. It was as if I needed to get rid of it as soon as possible. "Someone" needs to hear this message. Oh boy, do they! Better get it on Facebook. But that was no longer an option. The only options available were to either dismiss it altogether or apply it to my own life. Egads! Slowly, I began to receive these things and ponder them unto myself. I began to experience conviction rather than simply recognizing the potential for conviction. Quite a difference there.

Another thing I recognized was how dependent I had become upon those little Facebook "likes". Affirmation is a huge thing for me. I don't think I ever realized how huge until the ability to receive it was no longer just a Facebook post away. Or so it seemed.

In the absence of this luxury, verses like Galatians 1:10 began to take on much deeper implications for me. For am I now seeking the approval of man or God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man I would not be a servant of Christ. Yeah. It's one thing to give up Facebook for a while, quite another to have to look deep into your heart and answer (not just ask) the question, "Who am I really serving?" I couldn't quickly type that verse and click it on down the stream for the consideration of others. It was for me.

Answered Prayer
Interestingly, it was during the onset of this break that I spent several weeks praying and meditating on Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting! It wasn't like I was expecting that request to to be answered through the Facebook thing, I just picked out some verses to start the New Year off with. But the Holy Spirit was at work.

I don't think it's an exaggeration to say this was one of the most clearly and hugely answered prayers of my life. To see my pathetic heart in ways that I had never seen before, to recognize my deep, deep need to receive approval...It cut deep. And since I wasn't on FB, there was no where for me to go with all of that but to the Gospel. Hallelujah! My pathetic heart? Covered in His blood. Approval? Yes, through faith in Jesus Christ. Not just "liked" but extravagantly, unashamedly loved by the God of all creation. Wow.

Misuse, Disuse, and Correct Use
One day a couple weeks ago there was a Facebook post that I wanted so badly to comment on. But that would have been breaking my rule. The thing is, I wanted to encourage that person. It was the ah-ha moment. I realized that this was really about the motives of my heart. And the motives of our hearts change when the Gospel is applied.

I've heard it said that the proper remedy for misuse is not disuse, but rather correct use. I really agree with that for the most part. (Though there's always Matt 5:30 to consider). It seems to me that in this case it took a season of disuse for me to identify my misuse so that perhaps now I can proceed with correct use. At least most of the time.

In the future, there are some questions that I will ask myself before posting on Facebook, Twitter, writing a blog post and really I should ask before I ever open my mouth period...

What is my motive in sharing this?
Have I applied this to myself; have I removed my own "log" in the eye?
Is it passive aggressive?
Am I now seeking the approval of man or God?
Should I be doing laundry?

:)

I think in some ways it would definitely be easier to just forget Facebook altogether. I mean, I wouldn't be assaulted with these kinds of questions all day long. Geesh. :) But there are also silly photos and funny things my kids say. There are opportunities to encourage and share lol's. There is a Gospel to be proclaimed and it would be absurd to think a medium like Facebook isn't a really good place to proclaim it.

Have you ever taken a Facebreak? How did it go? What did you learn?

Hamburger Helper Helped

I changed the title of this blog from REAL FAT to JUST REAL. There are several reasons. For one thing I'm tired of looking at the word fat every time I come to write. Seriously. There was a time I needed to see that word to face the facts, but I don't think I'm there anymore. I also want to write about other things besides weight loss. I feel like God is working in new and different ways in my life and I really want to write about them. I'm just OCD enough to need the title to be a really good match for the content.

So here's the deal...

I was walking down the road with Norma several months ago and we got into a pretty deep conversation. I told her that I felt my life had become like Hamburger Helper. In the sense that all of the things I hoped to accomplish in my life were the different flavors: Lasagna (raising good children), Beef Stroganoff (keeping my house in order), Cheeseburger Macaroni (being a good friend), Taco Surprise (losing weight), Beef Pasta (being a good youth leader). Those kinds of things were the flavors. And God was my hamburger. Yes, that's right--God was the ground beef. I had somehow come to believe that I could do all the things I wanted in life by just adding God. Sounds like a good plan, right? Sounds a little like Philippians 4:13, as a matter of fact. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...

Well, the only problem with the Hamburger Helper approach to Christianity is that it makes Jesus the add-in. He becomes just an ingredient. Yes, an important ingredient, but still just an ingredient.

Jesus is more than an ingredient. He is the entire meal.

If you look one verse back in Philippians to 4:12, Paul says I have learned the secret to being content in any an every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want...He is talking about the circumstances of life that happen. He's not talking about his plans, hopes and dreams. He is talking about facing life as God had planned it for him and being content in any and every situation. He had been taught how to do that. The secret, he shares in the popular verse 13, is through Jesus Christ. Not "with a little help from Jesus" but through Him.

Let me see if I can make myself really clear. What I have been thinking is that "I can do all things I WANT TO DO with the help (when I think to ask) of Christ because he will give me strength to do the things I want and/or think I need to do." This is much different than what Paul was saying which is more like: I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I've found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am .-The Message.

Keelie's focus: Keelie's agenda; Paul's focus: God's agenda. That's the difference. Small, but huge. I want to learn the secret like Paul did. I hope to one day be able to say Philippians 4:13 and really mean it the way he meant it.

So I'm not exactly sure how, but in a round-about way all of that has to do with why this is no longer going to be primarily a weight-loss blog. As for the new name, during the conversation with Norma that day I mentioned that I didn't really think I should keep writing REAL FAT. And she said, "Well maybe it should be JUST REAL and wah-lah! A new blog was born. It just needed some time to come to fruition. Thank you, Norma.

The change doesn't mean that I don't still long to be free from an oppressive addiction. It doesn't mean that focusing on weight loss for a very long time wasn't an absolutely necessary part of God's plan for my life. I know without a doubt that it was. It doesn't mean that I think there is something wrong with having a weight loss blog. It also doesn't mean that I can stop thinking about my health and being accountable for my eating habits. This change is simply the next step in the journey for me.

Like many things in my life right now, I have no idea where this blog is going. But I'm excited to find out! Hope you'll keep travelling with me.

After While Crocodile

I am going to take a blogging/Facebook hiatus for a few weeks. Please do not be concerned about me. I assure you all that I am just fine. I am going to continue on the path I've been on (not the past week's path but the overall path to health). I have every intention of resuming normal blog activity soon. So don't leave me!

Tracker 51

The shine has definitely worn off of this thing. It's February 20th. Not even two months into it and now is when I am really begining to feel the "burn" of weight loss. The whole process starts out easy enough but right in the middle it becomes intolerable. I'm trying not to obsess, but stay disciplined at the same time. I'm trying not to think think about food 24/7, but also trying to be mindful. Trying not to give into temptation, but also trying not to get down when I do. Trying to stay positive but also be real. It's like swimming up-stream. Running into the wind. Playing that game at Chuck E. Cheese where you knock down things but they just keep popping up. This is hard and I'm tired.

Tracker 50

Tracker 49

Suggestions & Tracker 48

I LOVE this coffee cup and I LOVE the person who gave it to me. I like to think of it like a little note from her that never goes away. So many times I have been on the brink of melt down, naturally fix myself a cup of coffee, and this is the gem that greets me when I open the cabinet door. When I looked at it tonight I sighed in agreement. Yes, it is always okay to keep calm. It always makes sense to keep calm. And to carry on? Well, there is really no other reasonable choice. I'm so thankful that I've been taught to carry on through the funk. I know this will serve me well when the day comes that my funk has nothing to do with cookie dough. So you had a bad week. Might I suggest...Keeping calm and carrying on. This has never let me down.

Now, let's talk food. I usually eat a frozen dinner once or twice a week. I am pretty boring with them. I like the pizzas and Steak Panini from Lean Cuisine, the Fettuccine Alfredo with broccoli from Weight Watchers and that's about it. I rarely try new ones just because I don't want to spend that money and chance not liking it. But today I was at my mom's for dinner and she had Tortilla Crusted Fish from Lean Cuisine. She told me it was really, really good. I was skeptical but went ahead with it. Best decision I've made all week! The fish was very crispy with a wonderful chip crust. It was not overly fishy, which is the problem I've had with other frozen fish dinners. The rice is special. Special, I tell you. Very cheesy and the poblano pepper confetti creates a legit Chile relleno-like experience. I was totally and happily surprised to be able to add this new dinner to my frozen list. Add a salad and you've got yourself a winner, winner tortilla fish dinner! So, if you're in the market, might I suggest this new favorite...

Funnily enough, just about an hour before I ate this I had a run in with some actual tortilla chips. I dropped the kids off and came home to run, but when I walked in to change shoes the chips were mocking me on the kitchen island. Without pause I rushed to them and began eating. One, two, three...small handfuls. Then I stopped. I literally screamed out a prayer something like "What is WRONG with me! Stop me!" Then I turned around, grabbed the bag by the throat and pummeled it against the counter until there were no recognizable triangles left. I went to toss the lifeless bag in the trash but thought better of it and brought them back to the sink. I filled the bag up with water and watched the little pieces floating in the water.  I went to the fruit bowl and grabbed an apple. I devoured it and then went for a two mile walk. Now I have made deposits into my good choice account so I can wake up tomorrow without being overdrawn. Dang this feels good. If you are battling temptation of the baked good or chip variety, might I suggest putting some food to death.

Okay enough weird stuff from me. Here's the tracker:

Tracker 47

I pray tomorrow's tracker will be much different than today's. I'm beginning to feel the physcial effects of not taking care of myself for a few days.

But I am thankful for and do not overlook the fact that this is the 47th day in a row that I have written down everything that I put into my mouth. Out of those days there are only a handful that are off target. The big picture is important!

But so is the little one. Tomorrow...

Slip Up & Tracker 46

Well, this is going to be one of those posts. The kind I write with my tail between my legs. But once I get it all out in the open I will move on.

I weighed. A couple of days ago I woke up feeling amazing. I looked in the mirror and my stomach seemed very flat. I just felt lighter. You know that feeling. All of a sudden I found myself having the inner war that goes on--usually it has to do with should I eat this or not eat this?--but this time it was about stepping on the scale.

I justified the decision to check my weight thinking that seeing a loss would bolster my spirits and help me keep going in the direction I needed to go. At that point I totally took matters into my own hands and took my eyes off of God. I went to my son's closet where I put the scale and brought it into the bathroom. Not a good "put away" spot, obviously.  I stepped on and saw 169. The last time I weighed right before I put the scale up it said 174. Naturally I was really excited to see this loss. I put the scale back up and that was that.

But...

That was not that. Let the mental games begin. After seeing the 169 on Monday and then having a really great day of eating yesterday I figured I could get away with eating some snacks. In bed. Around midnight. Cheese crackers, peanut butter, crackers, tortillas, Valentine candy, etc. Totally dysfunctional. Then today I was feeling bad about that and so it led to more poor choices. I will never be able to explain or understand this cycle.

I mean, really? When will I learn. I just keep wanting to think that I am actually going to figure out the "thing" that is going to be the solution to all of this. (Prov 26:11 Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly.) It's never going to happen! There is not a "thing" that can fix me. This is a matter of the heart. Period.

The few days that I did not weigh were amazing. It was the beginning of freedom that I have been longing for. I just know it. I still think that the right thing for me to do is put the scale away. (Really away, like at a different house). But just doing that is not going to be enough. I need strongholds to be broken and idols to be cast down. My help comes from the Lord. 

"Not Hungry" is a real thing & Tracker 45

Something huge happened today. It was late afternoon and around the time I normally eat dinner. I started getting things out to make a large salad for myself. As I was looking down into the bowl I was thinking This does not sound good at all. Yuck. I don't want salad. At that point I determined to be very conscious of my thinking and impulses. I was trying to separate myself from myself if that makes any sense. At first I became anxious. The thought of eating and not thoroughly enjoying it just seems like something ridiculous. So I was trying to think of something that did sound really good. Of course I had to eat--it was "time." Cue: refrigerator door open. Shut. Pantry door open. Shut. What do I want? Not in there. (Funny because I have a magnet on my fridge that says "It's not in there.") I then think of all the Valentine candy we now have. Pulled out my son's Valentine box from school and rummaged through it. Yes, I seriously did that.  I found one little off-brand chocolate heart in his box that probably had rice crispies in it. I was about to eat it and I don't even like those. I decided against it. Mind you, my poor salad is still sitting patiently on the island through all of this. So I walked back over to the salad and looked down at it. It was a beautiful salad but I was still JUST. not. interested. Right at that moment I remembered a line I read in a book the other day that said, "If you won't eat an apple then you probably aren't hungry." And like a flash of lightening it hit me! You aren't hungry, goober. So I covered the salad with foil and returned to it, very happily, about an hour later. The fact that I did recognize "non hunger" and even more that I did not go ahead and eat anyway--these things are revolutionary. I hope to be able to report more experiences like these soon and frequently.

 

Tracker 44